Thursday, December 29, 2016

Nein, Mother Fucker, Nein!!!


Like, homaiphuckinggott!!!

She was my Woman Crush in Orange Is The New Black, & I would have gone lesbo for her!!! Dayum, son!!!

Poussey Washington, when asked 'What is love?'.

I can't imagine how it would be like to lose someone all of a sudden. I mean, yes, of course one can never know until one personally experiences something, but man, even the thought of it makes me feel like I've half lost my mind.

I guess that's one of the reasons I've never been good at goodbyes. You know, like, even the everyday 'bye, see you later' kind of goodbyes. The ones where you part ways, knowing at the back of your mind that you'll see them in a few hours' time. Or the ones before you hang up the phone.

Fair enough, some people hug when they meet & part, which in my opinion makes things slightly easier. Probably because I'm not always the best talker, & I defo believe that there are times when it is better to let energy do the talking.

But goodbyes over the phone though...wooo...that's one hurdle I have yet to jump over.

Like, what do you say before hanging up the phone..? Most of the things that we say are more often than not the typical echo-ed phrases:

'I miss you/Miss you too'
'I love you/Love you too'
'Take care/You too'

It feels a bit cliched, but at the same time, in a way, I'm afraid to say those words, even though I know it may be the last time I would ever get to say them. Sometimes I don't want to hang up, & the thought that this could be the last time I ever get to talk to that person paralyzes me, even in those few seconds. Maybe I'm too proud to say them. Or maybe...I take for granted that the other person already knows how much I care about them, & how much they matter to me.

Long story short, I don't do goodbyes well. & sometimes it is easier to put on the Funny Mask rather than get all sappy. May sound ridiculous, but I'm working on it.

Okey, I'm back to mourning the death of Poussey now. Oh good sweet Lord, WHY.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Every Good Conversation Begins With A Good Listener.

When I first read the above words, I was mind-fucked. So much truth, in less than ten words!

We always think that a conversation is about talking, but how often do we ponder the listening aspect of a conversation? That's why the phenomena of one person standing in front of a group of people to give a speech, lecture or workshop is called a 'talk', & not a 'conversation', & why when someone in authority is scolding you, they are 'giving you a talking to' - you have to listen, whether you like it or not, & you have little or no say as to how the whole thing pans out!

A good conversation is a heart to heart connection, where both are truly invested & interested in what the other has to bring to the table.

See, I don't know how it is for the other half of humanity, but for us women, more often than not we know what we need to do to remedy a situation, but we just need to 'talk things out' to release tension.

& during those talks, either one of these two things happen:

1. There is a battle going on between the head & the heart, & as said earlier, we already know what the solution is, but gotdang it sometimes it is bloody hard to accept the truth/reality/bottom line until we actually hear ourselves saying it out loud & then we be like, 'What kind of fuckery is this!'

2. In the process of talking, we naturally come to a solution by ourselves as we go along. For some reason, thinking about the subject over & over again in our minds is literally like walking in circles, but once we talk about it, our brain nonchalantly goes like, 'Oh bloody hell, here's the way out'!

I swear on my grave that both these incidents are too true, & I suspect they won't be coming to an end anytime soon!

I consider the art of listening very closely related to the art of holding space.

This year, what I tried (& am still trying!) to cultivate in myself, as well as seek for & appreciate in people is this ability to hold space. Everyone hits a low point every once in a while, & sometimes we need a shoulder to lean on, no matter how silly or inconsequential the issues at hand is.

At times like that, we need people whom we can trust who will accept us for who we are at that moment in time & not judge us. We need people who have the patience to let us go through the motions & gently guide us towards figuring that shit out.

Yes, of course we can't expect others to always drop everything & be there for us, especially if we are not committed to making any effort to step out of our own bullshit. But once in a while it is nice to know that there are people who care, & are willing to give you a helping hand out of that shit hole.

When we talk about holding space, it also means that 'whatever happens in the space, stays in the space'. See, it's one thing to be a good listener, but to have the integrity to not blab to someone else about the conversation; & not use whatever was talked about nor the speaker's weaknesses against him/her in that's priceless.

That's truly priceless, dear readers.

If you ever find someone who is able to hold space for you, please hold on tight to them. ;) ;) ;)

What about how to be a good listener/'space holder'? Well, long story short, I would say be the person you would need if you were having a rough time.

Alas, herein lies the trick! Most of the time it's a-okey to hold space for a person of the same sex, but what about for someone of the opposite sex? (Note the use of the phrase 'most of the time'!)

A lot of problems start when men & women don't understand how the opposite sex is wired. To make things easier for me (yep, still lazy as shiz!), & for your viewing pleasure, click here for this brilliant video by Mark Gungor: A Tale of Two Brains. Fast forward to 8:26 to watch the part which is most relevant to our topic here today, but the whole video is worth watching & may damn well change your life! Mark's execution of the topic is hilarious!

Have a beautiful Xmas weekend, errbodeh! I'm going caroling tomorrow & in my mind I'm already making up carnatic alternative tunes of the traditional Christmas carols. Bahahahahah!

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Love & The Ego of the Self.

Love is one of the simplest things in life.

How many of you will agree with what I just said?

If you say you want to go & fight with someone, everybody gets worked up & most are eager to fight with you.
If you say you are in love with someone of a different race/religion/whatever-the-fuck-it-is, everybody gets upset even to the point of disowning you or even turning you into an outcast in society.

People are not allowed to be violent in public, but at the same time if two people are loving towards each other, then that is also not allowed! Especially if they are of the same gender, or 'different' from what society denotes 'normal' to be.

If you love somebody, & that somebody loves you back; then marriage is a must, regardless of whether the two of you want it or not; otherwise you will both be 'living in sin'.

If you love somebody, you must do ABC for them, & they, in return for your oh-so-endearing & universally-encompassing love, must do XYZ for you. Even if they do not like it.

If you love somebody, & that somebody doesn't love you back, you devise all sorts of tactics to make their life a living hell. 'If I can never have you, nobody else can have you.'

Dafuq, yaar.

Listen, buddy.

Love is God. Not the other way around.

You can never confine it to a religion, a race, a place, an object.

If two people are in love with each other, then what is the problem! The problem is actually you who are watching with wrong eyes & mind, not them!

Whatever people decide to do in their personal lives is completely up to them. Marriage is only a formality, a way of letting people know that, 'hey we love each other, we would like to share our happiness with you, let's eat drink & be merry'; not 'we are bound for life & don't you motherfuckas dare try anything funny with my husband/wife ever again or I'll dig out your eyeballs'!

& since we're on that subject, what kind of godly power would be so crazy as to say, 'Yes, okey if you have this piece of paper/this ring on your finger/this chain around your neck you can be loving to each other, you can fuck each other, you can live together; if not then I'm sorry but you cannot'???

One more thing I absolutely love, perfectly said by Louis CK:

'Nuff said!

Lastly. Not an easy one, but one of the most important ones.

If you love somebody, really love somebody; you will wish for their happiness & greater good.

Even if they love somebody else.

That doesn't mean that you have to sit by the sidelines & wallow in your personal mud pit of self-pity your entire life.

Hell no, by all means; go, live your life, be happy yourself! One person is gone, 10 more will come, who gives a shit! Why make your own life a living hell? For what? Out of some sick masochism??? What are you trying to prove to yourself?

If you love somebody, but their character/behaviour/way of showing love is not according to what you think should be........wait for it........who the hell are you to say what is the right & wrong way of showing love? If you love someone, you just love them for who they are. Whether they prioritize you or not, how much they choose to prioritize you, is completely up to them. (Bear in mind also that everyone has different capacities as to how much energy they are able to give to others)

Ponder this: do you love them for who they are, & do you accept that even if they do love you from the bottom of their hearts, their life does not revolve around you?

& the 'if I can't have you, nobody else can' mindset, oh dayummm that's the mother of all WTFs...why fuck up the other person's life? It goes against the whole essence of love, & you dare claim that you love???


One of the joys of being human is being able to experience love.

But one of the biggest lessons of being human is to learn to differentiate between love & ego.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Dear Soulmate...

Dear Soulmate,

I believe in living in the present
But I can't deny that I am also an accumulation of my past.

Although sometimes I wish I could erase it
It has taught me a lot.

Sometimes I wince at the thought of the old-me
I would never wish the her on anyone, much less you.

I hope you understand that although the past may sometimes fuck me up
It has made me the woman I am today.

I have multiple battle wounds & scars
Some put there by others, some self-inflicted.

I know that these have nothing to do with you
Yet more often than not the internal battle is a tough one.

I hope you will forgive me when I sometimes lose these battles
I know it is unfair to you, my beloved.

Believe me when I say
I am constantly working on them.

Some days I am all sunshine & unicorn glitter
Other days I am a dung beetle pushing rhinoceros poop around.

More often than not I'm a tornado
& I will need your quiet wisdom to calm the storm.

I don't want my idea of you
Neither do I want to assume you will remain the same person forever.

I want the you when nobody's watching
The you underneath the layers society has ruthlessly blanketed you with.

I want the real you, at each & every moment
Even if the real you changes over time.

For we are both organic beings
Constantly changing, transforming, evolving.

I will love you so much
If it weren't for your physical size, I'd potentially accidentally squeeze you to death.

I can be extremely forgetful
But you will always be in my heart & on my mind.

I will randomly annoy you, either on purpose or not
& make you wonder how the hell you got yourself into this in the first place.

Despite all this
I will not let you be less of the person you are.

Although I love nothing more than
To stare at you unblinking with eyes of adoration.

I will call your bullshit when I see it.
I will push & shove you if you need it.

I refuse to settle for anything less than the best
Even when it comes to you.

Because if there is only one wish I could make for you
It would be that you never stop growing.

& I hope you will do the same for me too
Even if that means we may one day part ways.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

A Yogi & Tantrika's Perspective on Loyalty & Devotion.

This past week, the theme of my conversations with fellow sisters seemed to revolve around the aspects of loyalty & devotion. It seems like, as women, we are all struggling to deal with these characteristics of ours, in the sense that they are very inbuilt qualities at come naturally to us, yet at the same time, social conditioning & past experiences stipulate that we should suppress them.

This quote speaks very strongly to me:

Loyalty isn't grey. It's black & white.
You're either loyal completely, or not loyal at all.
& people have to understand this.
You can't be loyal only when it serves you.

Having had my fair share of less-than-ideal relationships, I can safely say that loyalty was always an important aspect for me. & geez did those boys shatter my idea of loyalty.

Or, in layman's terms, 'These hos ain't loyal'...bahahahah!

I mean, of course it would be nice to have someone who isn't running around behind your back, someone you could trust has your best interest at heart, right? But doesn't that have more to do with honesty instead of loyalty?

The yogi in got me thinking, 'In actuality, what is loyalty? Who is there to be loyal to? For what? Who do you owe your loyalty to, & who owes you theirs?'

We come alone into this world, & we will go alone. As much as we have been conditioned to think otherwise, we are completely free & independent beings. Each moment is a choice, whether conscious or unconscious, but still, very much our own choice.

Now the catch: & if I am a completely free & independent being, isn't the other, too?
If so, what right do I have to demand loyalty & allegiance from another?
Would I prefer blind loyalty, minus sincerity? Something that is forced out of formality's sake?

Oh hell naw! Nowadays I'd much prefer it if you give me the real you, any time, any day. Even if it may potentially hurt my feelings, I'd rather have the truth than live in an illusion. What madness I used to live in!

If someone is not happy with me, then why to force him to be with me, knowing full well that he will be happy alone or with someone else? If I love him, would I not be happy to see him happy? Am I loyal to him just because I subconsciously expect loyalty in return?


Now on to the second trait: devotion.

I have never really paid much attention to this word until few days ago when it was sprung upon me during conversation with one of my soul mates. Feck, that woman really gets me, even when I don't get myself!

Definition of devotion

  1. 1a :  religious fervor :  pietyb :  an act of prayer or private worship —usually used in pluralc :  a religious exercise or practice other than the regular corporate worship of a congregation
  2. 2a :  the act of devoting <devotion of time and energy>b :  the fact or state of being ardently dedicated and loyal <her devotion to the cause> <filial devotion>
  3. 3obsolete :  the object of one's devotion


In some ways, devotion seems to be similar to loyalty, but in a softer, more intense, yet fiercer way. Therefore, to me, devotion can never come from the mind. It comes purely from the heart. It doesn't require anything in return; devotion springs from an overflowing of love. Then, the mere act of devotion becomes a joy in itself, even if it is not received by the other.

I feel that we either suppress feelings of devotion in fear of looking a bit too vulnerable, or because we fear rejection or losing out on something. Our idea of a 'strong woman' has changed much throughout the years, so much so that sometimes we even take on very masculine characteristics. Not saying that that is necessarily a bad thing, but why are we forgoing our femininity?

Another thing: we mostly link devotion to God, have you ever wondered why?

Well, frankly speaking, God can never reject you. God is always there, even if you don't pray for one day, he will still be there the next day. He won't blame you for it (at least not in most religions), he won't take revenge on you, he won't slander your name, he won't hurt your ego. & it is easy to devote yourself to a sure thing. But to devote yourself to a human, on the other hand...aha!

You can never know what to expect from another. It is purely their prerogative whether to reciprocate your devotion or not. They can even make a fool out of you if they wish to. It is hard because we are giving a piece of ourselves to another, & we feel like by giving, we are losing. But in actuality, you can never lose when you give. If you are sure of yourself & your love, there comes a point where the actions of the other become irrelevant. You are overflowing with love, & it needs to be expressed. What to do?

The women I've talked to all agree that our past fucks us up. I myself can personally vouch for this. It takes a heckuva lot of inner work to not dump my past experiences on the person in front of me, to see him as a person in his own light. It's a constant battle between 'what I know' & 'what I don't know', & it takes a motherload of awareness & patience with myself to get through the motions. Something that I not necessarily always have at hand. Yes, I have my un-pretty moments too, dear friends!

What I've noticed is that my crazy moments happen when my ego comes into play. 'I am doing ABC, so he must do XYZ, if not then it is not love & I shall make his life a living hell until he does XYZ'. Watafak. Seriously, watafak. Bahahahahah..! It sounds illogical, yet the ego doesn't subscribe to logic, it only wants to build itself up.

So where does one draw the line between devotion &...blind devotion? How do you know which is which?

The answer is: I don't know either!

I always say, there is no one ultimate philosophy. Philosophies can change, depending on the moment. There is no right & wrong. The decisions you make depend on the individuals involved, the current situation, & a myriad of other things which you need to process for yourself. Nobody can tell you exactly what to do.

What I do know is that the only way to find out is to completely submerge yourself into it. Go into it. Explore it. Go bat-shit crazy with sincere & utter devotion. Sooner or later, you will find your answer. But never, never ever leave things unsaid, never leave things undone, never ignore what you feel in your heart. Life is too short to do otherwise, & the what-ifs will fuck you up later on.

The way of Tantra is to be free-flowing & natural. Whatever comes naturally, regardless of rhyme & reason, that is the way to go, the way to be.

By the way, I hear you - 'Aren't Tantra practitioners free-loving people?' (if you get what I mean). Not necessarily. Whether you choose to have multiple relationships or choose to be with just one person, it all depends on you.

So what, if because of your devotion, others think ill of you? So what if you lose material aspects? So what? If you look at the bigger picture, you never really lose anything, in fact when you follow your heart, you gain a whole lot more.

But remember: it is purely your choice to be devoted to another. It has nothing to do with the other person. If the other accepts your madness, then well & good. & if he doesn't, then even better! At least you can now move on with your life instead of wondering what-if, or, worse still, being stuck in a dead-end relationship! & who even knows, maybe you yourself will feel loving towards him today, but not so tomorrow!

There is one rule though: do everything with awareness.
This is what will help you grow.
Awareness will show you what needs work.
It is the starting point of everything.

So yes, lose yourself in your devotion, but do so with awareness.

Reclaim your femininity.
Let it go wild.
Jai Mata Di! <3 <3 <3

P.S. Please note that there is a difference between 'devotion' & 'obsessive stalkerism'...bahahahah!

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Are You Ready For The Love You Deserve?

A few weeks ago, I did a short interview for My Fairy Park on my yoga journey & was asked if I could share one philosophical concept with the viewers. I was like, mouth agape for a few seconds, like, one??? Seriously bro, just one??? How lah, macha!

In the end, I decided to go with the concept of self-love, because it was one of the philosophies which drastically transformed my life. I never thought of myself as a masochist, but in hindsight, I realized I was a multiple offender, especially when it came to my significant other(s).

This post is for both men & women, but I can only speak from a woman's point of view, & I acknowledge that some men would resonate with what I am about to write about, either personally or with the women in their lives.

I feel that sometimes we can give too much. Yes, we women are nurturers & caregivers, sometimes to a fault. Sometimes we think too much about the other, & forget ourselves in the process. We care too much, we sacrifice too much, and somewhere along the way, we lose ourselves. & for me, that was always where everything started going wrong.

(Image from

I've come to learn that loving somebody doesn't mean putting up with their BS all the time.

Yes, dear friends, there will definitely be times where there needs to be some tolerance, acceptance, understanding, as well as give & take. But how much is too much? When the other person doesn't own up to their shit, doesn't take responsibility, creates more drama just to avoid having to make a positive change (either for themselves as an individual or for both parties), then it is definitely up to you to make the call: Am I happy with this person? Is this situation helping me grow? How would my life be with/without this person in it?

When you love yourself, it sets the tone to all your other relationships, because then you know what you want & what you don't want; what makes you feel good, what doesn't; what makes you happy, what doesn't. This then gives you the power to decide on things. & when shit starts stirring up, you can then either decide 'Yes I can deal with this,' or 'No I don't deserve this, kthxbai'.

Please take note, dear friends...I don't mean for you to completely disregard the feelings & well-being of the other. But when shit hits the fan, I'm sorry but it's every man for himself. You can try working things out. But at the end of the day, you can't force someone to change, especially if the other doesn't see an issue with their behaviour. & this applies in any relationship, whether it be romantic, platonic, or familial. It doesn't mean you or the other is a bad person, it just means that you don't vibe, period. (Further explained here: Relationship & Shampoo Revelations)

Beloveds, the beauty of self-love is that when you love yourself, you also start accepting yourself in your totality. It doesn't really matter what others think of you. & to know without a doubt that you & only you alone are responsible for your life, my's terrifying yet liberating at the same time. The first few times I came face to face with this freedom, I would literally curl up in a ball on my bedroom floor, whole body shivering. (My personal account on the subject here: Life Is A Solo Trip With A One Way Ticket)


When you love yourself, you start relaxing into life. & that's where the flowering starts. Life becomes an enjoyment, a beautiful song. You may not notice it, but your whole energetic body changes. The way you stand, the way you move, the way you interact with those around you...everything changes. ;) ;) ;)

& guess what this all equates to?

+ Self-acceptance
- People you don't vibe with
- Situations which are detrimental for you
+ Responsibility for your life
= Space for the things and people which are good for you.


Are you ready for the love your deserve?
The longest relationship you will be in is the one you have with yourself - let it be a relationship full of love!

Are you ready for the life you deserve?
You only have this one precious life - why not now, why not today, why wait for tomorrow? For whom, for what?

Ek zindagi - tum kaise jioge?
(One life - how you going to live it?)

Happy Thursday, errbodeh!

Monday, October 10, 2016

Consuming Food, the Tantric Way.

Many have asked how the heck I managed to put on 10 kgs in the span of four months. Some find it horrendous, others just love it.

I say: So what? Just be happy & enjoy life, that is all.

Me, I really believe in just being happy. Physicality is just a by-product of yoga asana, it should never be the main goal.

When my weight was plummeting, I was miserable. I had no appetite, at most I only had dinner after teaching classes in the evenings. Yet I received a lot of compliments from my female students on my reed-thin figure. Other than that, my joints constantly creaked & my left knee was very susceptible to injury.

When I finally got my head out of my ass, I was constantly hungry, & my meal portions were epic. For the past three months I've been literally gorging on food. & now, the creaking & weakness in my knee - they are no more.

I know it is unfair & irresponsible to say that gorging on food brought my body back to health, that I could have easily taken supplements for my creaking joints & whatnot, but I admit I am no nutritional expert. What I do know is that the body knows best.

So this is what I have been telling my students: Listen to your body.

Yoga asana was designed not only to bring health to the physical body, but also to bring awareness & reestablish the body-mind connection. Why only listen to your body during your asana practice, then ignore it for the rest of the day?

Your body will tell you when it is hungry. It will tell you when to stop eating. It will tell you what kind of nourishment it needs. & I'm going to say it once & for all here: to hell with society's idea of what the perfect body is. Your healthy body weight, your healthy body size, your healthy body proportions...YOU...are unique to you. The girl on the magazine? Probably doesn't look like that in real life. & the people on Instagram? Probably took 148 shots before getting that post-worthy one.

See what I'm getting at?

'But, my body says it wants ice cream & junk food!'

Well, dear friend, listen again. Is it your taste buds speaking, or your body?

But don't take my word for it. Experiment for yourself. Carry on eating whatever your feel like. But take your time when you eat. Observe. Observe how your body feels after you eat. How do certain foods make you feel?

One of my favourite meditations during the Monsoon Festival was an introductory session to the Reminding Yourself of the Forgotten Language of Talking to Your BodyMind. During that time, we took time to specifically & actively thank our physical bodies for working for us. I think this may sound strange to a lot of you, but think about it: have you ever realized how much you take your physical body for granted? Or worse still, not only taking it for granted, but pushing it beyond its limits, to do things that it doesn't want to do, or doesn't enjoy doing?

Although Tantra practices go beyond physicality, it is an essential aspect of the practice.

Well, if you can't feel good in your own body, then what the hell makes you think that you will be comfortable with somebody else? If you can't appreciate your own body, how can you appreciate another's? If you are disconnected from your physical body, how can you connect with another? You have to know your self first before you can even begin to know another.

Even if you are not looking for a partner, then do it for yourself. Contrary to popular belief, Tantra is very much an individual practice. It calls for you to love yourself, in your totality. Love yourself, regardless of what others may think. & you are always responsible for yourself & your happiness - you came into this world by yourself & you will go by yourself; Lord knows who will stay by your side until your dying breath!

So again I will say: take your time when you eat. Don't rush. Observe. Really taste your food. Feel its texture. Observe. Observe. Observe. If you rush, you will not be able to listen to your body, & when it says it has had enough.

On that same note, dear friends, your body will not only tell you what you should & should not eat, but also what activities you should or should not do; but also who is good for you. Again, observe. Does your body tense up around someone? Or do your shoulders start rounding? Do they make your spirit feel lighter or heavier?

These are the ways in which your body will talk to you. It has a heckuva lot to say to you. Are you listening? If not, are you ready to start listening?

Don't you think it's time to stop listening to other people, & start listening to yourself?

Let's end with this Osho excerpt on food intake:

A monk asks a Zen master about his routine after enlightenment. The master replies that I eat when I am hungry and I go to sleep when I am sleepy. The monk says that’s what we also do. The Zen master says “Wait! Think again. Do you eat only when you are hungry?”
We eat every day at one o’clock. We look at the watch; it is one – so then we feel hungry. And the clock may not be right. If somebody says, “That clock has stopped at midnight – it is not functioning. It is only eleven o’clock,” the hunger disappears. This hunger is false; this hunger is just habitual, because the mind creates it, not the body. Mind says, “One o’clock – you are hungry.” You have to be hungry at one o’clock so you are hungry. While hungry, why not meditate a little? – There is no hurry. While hungry just close the eyes and meditate on the hunger, on how the body is feeling. We have lost contact, because our hunger is less bodily, more mental.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Osho Monsoon Festival 2016: Part II, Community.

This week's eargasm is Chikni Chameli.

Do you believe in miracles?

This year, the miracles I have encountered are in the people I have crossed paths with.

The one thing about me that hasn’t changed is that I am still interested in learning about life. Unfortunately I am not interested in how the political situation is in the country, about the scientific explanation of things, about even how the cost of living has changed over the years. I know these matter a lot, but I could never for the life of me even feign interest in these subjects.

I want to know life. Not only through firsthand experience, but also through the eyes of others.

I want to know not only what makes you happy, but also what makes you sad.

I want to know what your inner demons are, & how you overcame them…or are still fighting them.

I want to know you. Not your job, not your responsibilities, not your status in society. You.

& I’m pleased to say that I have met a good number of these people. People who are willing to have heart to heart conversations, who are not afraid of vulnerability, people who have a zest for life.

True, yoga is all about the self, but it is also about how we relate to others. & I admit that there were times when all I needed was a shoulder to lean on while I got back on my feet.

I have found that at times it isn’t all that easy to figure things out by yourself. Sometimes you need to talk things out with others, & either:
a. Just by verbalizing everything & talking it out, you will come to realize the solution by yourself.
b. The exchange of experiences, ideas & thoughts enable you to look at things from a different perspective & come up with the answers to your situation.

Point to note for all men though: Sometimes we women just want to talk things out to express ourselves, although we know damn well what the solution is. Heheh.

I absolutely love those light bulb moments when you are deep in conversation & you hear a completely new idea & you’re like, ‘That so makes sense, why the hell didn’t I think of that???’!

By now you must be wondering, 'Dafuq, this isn't what I came here for!'

Well, dear friends, what can I say. Very lari topic lah (out of topic), but it is hard to compress my experience at the centre into a generic 'been there done that here is my experience' post.

During those five days at the centre, I was the most extroverted & social I have ever been in my life. There were so many amazing people there, people from all walks of life, each with their own special story to tell, experiences to share. & I really believe in the power & mystery of the Universe - the right people will come at the right time.

Admittedly, I almost never participated in any afternoon/evening meditations, because I was more interested in spending time with others. Besides, I've already experienced the meditations during Deep's Teacher Training courses. But the people - aha!

In a sea of people, it's amazing how by sheer serendipity you meet your soul mates. Mindfuck moment.

People in the centre are generally very friendly (sometimes for the wrong reasons, but that happens almost everywhere in the world so your own discretion is needed), you just need to keep an open mind & heart to make a sincere connection with them.

Which is basically the same principle one would use even outside of the centre, right?

You see my predicament, dear reader? To me, life in the centre is the same as outside, so how to write about life in the commune? & how to write about all the small moments which would probably seem insignificant to others, like sharing a piece of chocolate, a cup of chai, walking together? Of course, all these seem insignificant because they happen all the time, but what makes them unique & special are the conversations that happen during these moments!

A lot can happen over a cup of chai!

What I realized is: why should I contain my love for life & connection with others to just those few short days? Life is short & unpredictable, why to have ego or put on airs, or even hold grudges? Why take life so seriously, condemning others, or even being afraid of trying something because of the possibility of rejection? Yes...why to take life so seriously? Even if someone does you 'wrong', just 'Namaste, thank you, goodbye'...what's the big deal?

You can never lose at life - either you get what you want, or you get a lesson how not to get what you want, heheheh...

Maybe I really manifested these people - Friend With Benefits?

Yes, the place is a meditation centre, where people come to look inside themselves through personal practices. But I found myself in others. Through them, I got to know where I am in life, who I really am, & what I am about. Meditation was going on the whole day, just that this type of meditation can never be facilitated by others, it is a completely internal practice. I don't believe in meditating for hours yet going out into the world & being a dickhead. I believe that the real test of one's meditation is in how it affects one's relationships with his/her surroundings.

Just a month has passed, but I have grown heckuva lot because of these people. Whether they know it or not, even just their mere presence in my life has guided (& still is guiding) me back to my path.

I'm sure you know who you are.  & if you don't, just wait for the soppy melancholic messages to flood your inbox soon! :P

Signing off with this mantra:

Om Saha Nau-Avatu
Saha Nau Bhunaktu
Saha Viiryam Karavaavahai
Tejasvi Nau-Adhiitam-Astu Maa Vidvissaavahai
Om Shaantih Shaantih Shaantih

Om, May God Protect us Both (the Teacher & the Student),
May God Nourish us Both,
May we Work Together with Energy & Vigour,
May our Study be Enlightening & not give rise to Hostility,
Om, Peace, Peace, Peace.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Osho Monsoon Festival 2016: Part 1, Meditation.

It's been three weeks since I've been back from Incredible India. Our trip to Rishikesh wasn't much to shout about - it was overcrowded due to the Shravan Shiva festivities, & the monsoon season was in full swing, so I couldn't spend much time by the river.

Pune, however, was a different story!

Our aim was to attend the Osho Monsoon Festival, an annual event which runs for 5 days. During those 5 days, daily meditation sessions run as usual, but what draws the crowd is the live music events that happen throughout the day. You could say it's sort of like a music festival, only difference is that the main theme of the event is meditation.

Photography is not allowed within the centre, so this is the only decent photo I have to share here!

Meditation sessions start as early as 6am, with the first one always being Dynamic Meditation, one of my favourites. The thing I love about this meditation is the part where you get to do whatever the fuck you like. Basically, you get to release your emotions by tapping into your inner child, & that inner child may either throw the biggest tantrum ever, or cry its heart out, or laugh like crazy. Whatever you feel like doing, without thinking, just do it! Oh, I absolutely loved it!

To some this may seem utterly psychotic, even to the extent of citing demonic possession! & I don't see why not; to the untrained eye, a large auditorium full of people screaming, kicking, wailing, shouting & whatnot can be frightening to say the least.

But before you kick Dynamic Meditation as hogwash, hear me out for a second!

What I love & appreciate about Osho's approach is that he really goes deep down to the real root of the problem. He doesn't beat around the bushes nor trim the branches, he knows the ins & outs of the human psyche & develops formulas to work with it.

According to him, our modern lifestyles have caused so much repression within us, and before we can even begin to meditate, all this inner BS has to be gotten rid of first. In a healthy way & without harming others, of course. Unexpressed emotions not only fuck us up energetically, but if they go on unaddressed, will eventually surface as physical ailments, but because of the limitations society has placed on us, often we are unable to express ourselves the way we want to.

So yeah, damn right this woman got down & dirty with all that kicking & screaming! Years & years of being told to sit still & look pretty, oh to hell with that! :P :P :P

Another favourite of mine is the 10.30am Dance Celebration session. Oh me oh my, if there's anything you could be sure of, it's me, right at the Buddha Grove, 10.30am, on the dot, errday!

I could go on & on about why I love Dance Celebration so much! First of all, the Buddha Grove is a beautiful outdoor location, with marble flooring and giant bamboo & rainforest trees surrounding it. At that time of the morning, the sun is just right (well, to me, at least), not too hot, yet bright enough for you to feel it shining on your skin & high enough for its rays to sneak past the leaves & make you squint.

& nobody is dancing with anybody in particular, in fact everyone is dancing on their own; enjoying their own presence, really being in the moment with themselves!

Bring on the Indian music & voila! I can go on for days!

'But...there are so many people here, what if they start judging the way I dance?'

Meh. Balderdash. Ain't nobody got time for that!

& even if they are looking at you, they are happy for you that you are enjoying yourself, regardless of how you are dancing! I can vouch for that, because I merely balter around aimlessly, yet everyone was so nice to me, bahahahahah!

You're probably thinking the same as what both my parents were: 'Dance as meditation???'

Yep. Consider this: if your mind is working, you cannot dance. You have to really feel the rhythm & be in the moment in order to really dance!

Besides that, Osho's teachings is centred around celebrating life. He doesn't want serious, humdrum sanyasins! Sure, there are people who are enlightened & who sit for days on end without moving. But then there are those who are full on bursting with excitement & gist for life! Life holds a myriad of emotions & experiences, why choose to not live them fully?

Next week, I will write about my non-meditative experiences during the festival! ;)

Until then, enjoy, be happy & keep celebrating life!

Friday, September 2, 2016

If You Are Not Sure What You Want, Ask Yourself What You DON'T Want.

My dear readers.

I don't really know what to write about this week. I started writing a few pieces, but gave up half way because I was not completely feeling them.

It has been a week of ups & downs. I know it has been two weeks since I've been back from India, yet...

Forgive me, my attachment towards that place is too much, I know.

I ain't no saint or guru. I have my own inner work to do.

People always assume that the Tantra path is the easy path. In actuality, the work of any spiritual seeker is the same: to remove attachment. It's just the object of attachment which may differ.

There were so many happy times in India. & I am probably seeing her through rose-coloured glasses because I've only seen a small side of her, but still.

I digress.

Some things can never be explained.

I may not know exactly what I want in life, but I do know a few things which I want, & what I don't want.

Someone asked me just yesterday, 'did you find yourself?' to which I replied, 'there is no one to be found.' But in fact, I did find myself. & I refuse to hide the real me anymore.

Thank you for your patience. I will be back in full writer mode soon, I promise.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Not Knowing Is The Most Beautiful & Frightening Thing.

Yasss, I know, dear friends; I went AWOL for the past two weeks!

Well, a girl's got to take some time off for herself once in a while, right? ;)

This week's theme song is: Badlapur - Jeena Jeena. For the past week since I've been back, I've actually been listening to four much more upbeat songs, but only today been obsessed with this one since being introduced to it by a friend.

Some of you may already know that while I was AWOL, I was back in my 'hometown' of India. Actually, a few minutes ago I had already started writing about my experience there, but I decided fuck that shit, Imma write about what I feel right here right now, & save the travel stories for later.

I can't really put a finger on what I've been going through lately. Wait, actually, I can.

It's the ups & downs of 'not knowing'.

Just after leaving Rishikesh for Pune, I posted this in my social media:

After ten months, here I am again!

Although my beloved Rishikesh is not the same, & the Ganga is much more ferocious than when I first met her, I am learning a lot about myself this trip.

Sometimes you need to remove yourself from your usual environment to check in with yourself as to where you are in life. What is important to you? Who are the people who matter? Are you living the life you want? Are you living *at all*?

One question I always thought I knew the answer to is, 'What do you want to be?' I'm very glad to report that nowadays I'm very sure that I don't know what I want to be. It was a soft voice, but has grown loud & strong. 'I don't know.' It is one of the most beautiful statements in life.

I never would have imagined I would have this life. So how should I know what I want to be, what I should be? All I know is that the Universe has my back, & I'm excited to see what the future holds!

Hair drier, skin two tones darker, feet dirtier, sweaty & sticky in the monsoon weather; yet these are among the happiest days of my life. Words cannot even begin to express how I feel.

Ganga Maaya Ki Jai!

Most of the time, I'm gobsmacked at how my life has turned out. & it continues to stun me what the Universe has planned for me.

However, this 'not knowing' isn't always easy! The ego always wants that false sense of security, of being in control, of knowing not only the final destination but also the route, the possible detours, the weather forecast, ETA, yadda yadda yadda.

Then, 'not knowing' starts becoming a frightening thing.

'What am I going to do?'

'What about my plans?'





What do I want in life? This question has been making its rounds in my mind more & more since I've been back. Again, sometimes it is easy to say, 'I don't know'. But lately, it's been tough surrendering to the Universe.

This fear is all too familiar. Yet it is a unique & new experience in its own right. Throughout the day it goes from one end of the spectrum to the other. One minute my tears are tears of happiness & gratitude, the next they are of fear & sadness.

I don't know.

I am just observing these things, coming & going. Observing the emotions, observing my clinging to them, observing my letting go of them...

I don't always know what I want in life.

But I do know what I want from life.

I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to be around people who are roaring mad & have a zest for life. I want to experience life in its entirety. I want to be me, & not have to be apologetic nor ashamed about it.

It would be nice to have someone special to share the journey with. But it is equally wonderful to have the freedom of not being answerable to anyone.

Feck, I don't know. I don't know a shit about anything. Yet I know a few things. That must count for something, right?

Friday, July 29, 2016

Show Me How Badly You Want It.

Today's theme is a blast from the past: 3 Doors Down - If I Could Be Like That.

Do you ever feel like you're running out of time?

That sense of urgency that there is so much more from life you want to experience, & you may not be able to do it all in this life?

Well, I posed this question to my Facebook friends a few weeks ago. & these are their replies:
Yes, all the time.
Every day.
Don't think about it, it will scare the daylights out of you.
I don't understand the concept of time. (Bloody good one, if you ask me! Hahahahah!)
Ya...always every day every hour every minute every second.
Yes...but in difficult times it ticks real slow.
Only when I fish at a pay pond. (LMAO best one!)

So it seems that the general consensus is that yes, most of us are experiencing this sense of urgency. But how many of us are really living the life we want to? How many of us are actually doing something about that bucket list?

How often I hear people say they hate their day jobs, yet they've been at it for yonks, not taking any initiative to make a career change. Some people hate their jobs but at least they are actively pursuing the things they love in their free time, that is very commendable, because it is easy to fall into the whole 9 - 5 routine & create all sorts of excuses as to why they don't have the time/energy.

I guess it's sometimes a matter of priorities as well. For example, maybe you really need that day job to pay the bills (fucking hell, real talk right there). One can bitch & moan about how money is the root of all evil, today's society is materialistic, the monetary system is a biatch, yadda yadda yadda; yet the truth is: we need money. So if your day job pays helluva good, & you're willing to put up with it to fund your dreams, then by all means, go for it!

The burning question is: how badly do you want it?

Yes, I think this is the question.

The more deeply we feel about something, the more passionate we are, the more likely we will be to take action. It's this feeling that cannot be explained, a big fire raging within that you just have to go get it, no matter what.

Whatever it is, go get it.

No more excuses.

No more waiting for the right time. There is no such thing as the 'right' time. The right time is now.

No more waiting for the right person. (*rolls eyeballs) You are the right person for yourself & you are your own life partner.

No more procrastinating. No more excuses. Take the first step towards what you want in life. The first step is always the hardest, they say. But it is well worth it.

You never know when will be your last day. Live more. Love fully. Take risks & be silly one too many times (just don't jump in front of a train or play in traffic). Laugh. Forgive. Love.

Now is the time to stop giving a rat's ass about what others think. All that matters is what you think about you. This life is for the living. Your life is for your living, not anyone else's.

Do you. Live the life you love; love the life you live.

Every moment, cut the past & the future. Your past does not define you, don't allow it to hold you back from enjoying the present moment. The future is yet to come, take steps towards it but again don't let worry distract you from the now.

Now. Now is all that matters. What are you going to do today? & by the way, when was the last time you did something new?

You got this. Go live your life!

Friday, July 22, 2016

Shampoo & Relationship Revelations.

Today's eargasm: Armaan Malik - Bol Do Na Zara. I came across this song by chance when SoundCloud automatically started playing it after an Osho talk I was listening to (listen to this chap's beautiful version here). Although I don't understand the language, the music & vibe itself was so beautiful. Love it!

This morning I was having a shower, again mentally condemning the latest shampoo I am using. Since switching to this shampoo, my scalp gets oily very fast. & I've been counting the days to when I can get a new bottle of shampoo.

But today, something clicked within me. There was a voice inside which asked, 'Why you condemn the shampoo woh? Just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean it is not working for someone else!'

Bloody hell! Can you say, revelation???

Why are we always quick to condemn something when it doesn't benefit us or doesn't live up to our expectations? Instead of saying, 'This brand of shampoo is fucking useless', I could have said, 'This brand of shampoo doesn't suit me.' Right?

Similarly, in our relationships with others, if the other behaves in a way that we don't like, we are quick to pass negative judgement. Especially in our intimate relationships. & yes dear readers, when I talk about relationships, it doesn't only apply to romantic relationships but also family & friends.

Think about it - when was the last time someone close to you behaved in a way which was against your belief system? Or to hit harder - how did you feel when your romantic interest rejected you?

Just because a relationship doesn't work anymore, doesn't mean that it was shit in the first place. On the contrary, I've come to learn that yes, people outgrow each other. & that isn't a bad thing. In fact, one of my favourite phrases is 'life begins after divorce'. Yep, I'm not exactly the best person to seek common relationship advice from! Bahahahah!

But it is the truth though; why to stay in a situation where both are unhappy - I look at you & I feel shitty inside, so I give you shit; you look at me & you are not happy & you give me shit...try to imagine that in its literal sense, with shit all around the room. Who needs a fan when you can throw your own shit around! :P :P :P

The only constant in life is change. This includes people & relationships too. To be able to let go of people & things with love - aha, now that's the challenge! Especially in romantic relationships; heck, even it's a very big challenge for me, sometimes I get very worked up about past grievances, but what to do? It is just another aspect of myself which needs work.

But do you see the irony though? We don't vibe with that person anymore, then we start condemning & finding fault with that person, the one who we previously held so dear to our hearts. Is love such a wavering thing? Is it so dependent on the other?

Well, I have dug deep & found that condemnation first takes root because my ego has been hurt. Ego always thinks 'me me me'. When the other doesn't prioritize us, the ego becomes indignant & fights to maintain its false sense of security, either by creating arguments with the other in an attempt to get them to behave the way we want them to, or by condemning. Make sense?

When people don't fit into our idea we have of them, in our minds we automatically label these people as 'wrongdoers'. But how you know you're not the wrongdoer in someone else's eyes? Anyho, what is wrong & what is right? & who are we all to judge each other?

Just love each other. Love is friendship set on fire. But don't allow that fire to burn the whole bloody house down. Because when 'love' comes into the picture, usually possession starts to take place too. & we try to tame the free, wild being that we fell in love with. Dafuq? Bahahahahah!

To love someone is to allow them the freedom to be completely themselves, whether it suits you or not, whether it hurts your goddamn ego or not. Your ego is your own problem, don't give shit to someone else just because you can't control your own ego! ;)

Close your eyes - remove your preconceptions, your ideas & expectations of each other; & see with your heart.
(Does anyone know who the artist of this beautiful piece is? Please let me know if you do, so I can credit it to him/her.)

Have a great weekend, errbodeh! :*

Another eargasmic song which has been in my playlist these past few weeks: Mumford & Sons, Baaba Maal - There Will Be A Time. Enjoy! <3

Friday, July 15, 2016

An Introvert's Perfect Idea of Galavanting.

Hold up! So it turns out the introvert in me is still strong!

Well, last Saturday I sibuk babi (busy body) went & invited myself to accompany a friend during his marathon training session (because that's what all the cool people do on Saturday nights, impose their presence onto others' personal space, bahahahah!). So my job was basically to sit around most of the time. Naise! :D

I'd forgotten how nice it is to be outdoors, especially at night. & when I say 'outdoors', I don't mean outdoors as in when you go al fresco dining! The last time I'd enjoyed being outdoors without a care in the world was...2 years ago in King's Park, Perth. Man, I have much love for the Aussies; they know how to enjoy the outdoors! I spent the whole of my day off lying on the grass in the sun, listening to music; bahahahahah!

Well this place I recently went to was basically a small running track around a football field. & there were not many people too. Save for the noise from a distant cheerleading session, & a group of guys playing football, the whole scene was relatively quiet. & left to my own devices for the next few hours, with nowhere to go, no commitments, no nothing; homaigot, can you say Introvert Heaven???

One of the greatest joys in life is one we sometimes take for granted - the freedom to move around freely. Well, for those of you who do not relate with this statement, there are women in some parts of the world who have to adhere to strict rules of conduct - from what they wear up to who they socialize with & where they go. Basically they do not really have much say in their life choices.

& here I was, wearing & doing what I want, without a care in the world except randomly wondering if I had missed something by not going to university (answer: nope!). Safety is definitely a concern for me most of the time, so I really loved that for once I did not have to worry about taking care of my stuff, whether there's anyone stalking me, & all that kind of shit.

Although it's been bloody stinking hot in KL the past week, it was quite cool once I had settled down in our spot. Every once in a while there would be a very gentle breeze, the kind which youare  only really aware of when you're on holiday by the beach or something, else the busyness of life gets in the way & drags your attention somewhere else.

The breeze brought life to the things around - namely the plant vines & the huge flags above me. Reminded me of the movie Hector & The Search For Happiness, particularly the scene around 1:00:23. Dear reader, you will have to watch it to understand what I am talking about!

I guess you could say it's like getting high without drugs. Every movement, every sound, every sensation gets multiplied. I was literally just watching; the people & how they move, the sky & how pitch black it was, the brightness of the stars drowned out by the floodlights.

Earlier in the day I had compiled a new playlist, so add eargasm on top of everything else & *boom* - Samadhi (bliss).

*Thank you, Baul guruji, for teaching me how to really enjoy the music*

(Image source: Pinterest)

This comic toootally describes me, bahahahahah...I think sometimes introverts make people worried because we look pissed off, unhappy, sad, etc when the truth is, we're perfectly happy just being quiet. Heck, if I get comfortable enough with you, it can sometimes be tough to even talk. Trust me, it's not a bad thing, in fact it's a very good thing.

You see, sometimes words fuck everything up. The value of a moment, the depth of emotion, the profoundness of a situation - at times there can be no words to truly describe them. & in fact, words do a disservice to them.

One of my Facebook pages is named Svadhyaya Yoga, Svadhyaya meaning Self-Study. I've loved this word & concept since I first came to know about it. It is definitely important to know yourself & understand yourself first before you can even attempt to extend the same to others. & some quiet alone time definitely helps with this. Although of late, I've noticed that I've stopped questioning myself a lot. Well, I've always been an over-thinker from childhood, everything I feel very strongly about & the mind keeps going on & on. But now it's like, okey oh, whatever loh...everything is a-okey loh...bahahahahah...perhaps you could say that I'm more easygoing nowadays. So, just sit down, music comes, music goes; just enjoy; that is one of the greatest gifts in life. Heck, everything is the greatest gift if you only knew how to appreciate! It doesn't only have to be materialistic, or something which you can hold in your hand, or even keep forever. In fact, something which is fleeting can be more valuable!

Tantra is not a philosophy, Tantra is absolutely existential. And remember, when I say that Tantra is existential, I don't mean the existentialism of Sartre, Camus, Marcel, and others. That existentialism is again a philosophy, a philosophy of existence, but not the Tantra way. And the difference is vast. 
"The existential philosophers in the West have only stumbled upon the negative: anguish, angst, depression, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, meaninglessness, purposelessness – all the negatives. Tantra has stumbled upon all that is beautiful, joyful, blissful. Tantra says: Existence is an orgasm, an eternal orgasm going on and on and on. It is forever and forever an orgasm, an ecstasy.
"They must be moving in different directions. Sartre goes on thinking about existence. Tantra says: Thinking is not the door. It leads nowhere, it is a blind alley; it brings you only to a cul-de-sac. Philosophy is great – if you are just fooling around, then philosophy is great; you can make mountains out of molehills and you can enjoy the trip... 
"Philosophy has proved to be the most futile of efforts…but still man continues, knowing perfectly well that it never delivers anything. Why? It goes on promising, but never delivers anything. Then why does man continue with this effort? It is cheap. It does not require any involvement, it is not a commitment. You can sit in your chair and go on thinking. It is a dream. It does not require that you should change in order to see reality.
"That's where courage is needed, adventurous courage is needed. To know the truth, you are moving into the greatest adventure there is. You may be lost, who knows? You may never come back, who knows? Or you may come back utterly changed, and who knows whether it will be for the good or not?"

- Osho, Tantric Transformation -

Since that night, something has clicked within me. I've been creating art for the past few week, mostly abstract acrylics. To check out my work, & other shenanigans, go to my Instagram account @eeleeong.

Funny how something which seems uneventful, a seemingly small matter, can trigger such a huge change. Life never ceases to surprise me. Heck, I keep surprising myself. WTF man.

Grateful for every twist & turn in this plot. What's next? Who the hell knows.

P.S: New word introduced by ma betches - 'galavanting'. Like, dafuq! Hahahahahah! Love dem psycho betches..!

Friday, July 8, 2016

Want To Be Friends With Benefits?

Today's obsession: Rachel Platten - Better Place.

It's long holidays for us Malaysians now, & much to my introverted horror, I found myself actively seeking human companionship to fill up the days.

Holy cow! I know, right!!!

Usually, I would have no qualms about staying home alone without any plans. But somehow, this time the thought bored me & even made me slightly anxious too. Am I turning into a bloody extrovert??? *horror face*

Not that I have anything against extroverts. Either I'm becoming one of them, or I am seriously avoiding myself & my inner shit.

Meh. Anyways. It got me thinking, 'why?'

What was it that changed?

Well, for one, I've come to love connecting with people who are passionate about life, & what they are interested in. In other words, the 'juicy' people. Read more about what makes a person 'juicy' in my previous post: Anything Less Than 'Juicy' Just Will Not Do!

But that's besides today's point.

I've recently met many people who are passionate about different things. & I absofuckinglutely love watching & listening to them talk about their passions in life. Hooo, boy; I could live for those moments! The way their eyes light up, their smiles become brighter, their gestures more animated or expressive - to me, that is one of the most beautiful things in life.

Friends with benefits - it ain't always limited to benefits in the sexual sense. You nasty peoples, you! Hahahahah! Get out of your caveman/woman thinking & share your passions for life once in a while, for God's sake!

In the past year, I made it a point to compliment people. As a noob yoga teacher, I was always worried what others would think about me. & of course, I got my fair share of critics too. It was a very difficult thing to learn to do, accept criticism, which could be pretty damn harsh at times. & more often than not, people will not hesitate to voice out their disapproval or dissatisfaction.

& although I acknowledge that it is these critics who helped me improve myself, those who made an effort to actually approach me with good feedback were the ones who positively encouraged me along my way.

Think about it. Just say for example in a restaurant, how often do customers complain about the food, & how often do they send their compliments to the chef? Usually, if the food is good, they'd probably just comment on it amongst themselves, nod in agreement, & that's that.

Somehow, we don't find it necessary to give praise, but seldom hesitate to condemn others.

I have found that people find it hard to give & receive compliments. Heck, I myself got a surprise just yesterday when my dinner victim partner of the day suddenly said that my dress looked nice on me, plus a bunch of other sweet things. On hindsight, I noticed that I couldn't just say, 'thank you'. Instead I went on autopilot & went on & on about how it's a new dress & sales & blah blah blah. Like, dafuq, why would I even do that!

Similarly, most of the time, the same goes for the other party when I tell them the things I find positive about them. They either try to downplay these qualities or outright reject them.

I kind of understand now, why men dislike women whining about how they look, when to the men, they look perfectly great!

It can be annoying when someone refuses to or can't acknowledge their own beauty, be it physical or internal. I guess, in a way it makes me feel like the other person is doubting my sense of judgement. Like, if I say, 'you're awesome', & they give a whole bunch of reasons why they aren't, somewhere deep within me says, 'why don't you trust my judgement on what is awesome & what is not awesome?'

One of my favourite quotes by Hafiz:

This quote toootally encompasses how I feel sometimes. It's like, dude, you're so awesome, how do I make you see yourself through my eyes, so you can see & appreciate your own awesomeness?

The one thing that hasn't changed about me is that I still enjoy listening more than talking. I don't mind mostly nodding frantically, laughing to the other's jokes or just chipping into the conversation every once in a while. However, after talking for some time, the other sometimes apologizes for being overly enthusiastic about their interests. Homaigot, WHYYY.

These are the rules for us being friends with benefits:

1. Please don't apologize for talking at length about your passions. Although I may not share the same interests as you, I thoroughly enjoy learning a little about them & why they make you happy. If it matters to you, it matters to me too.

2. Please don't play small when I point out a positive quality in you. It is this quality that inspires & motivates me to better myself in that same aspect. Again, just being completely immersed in whatever makes you happy is more than enough to make me feel excited too. Maybe not necessarily in exactly the same way though; for example if you love tennis & are training hard to improve your game, you are inspiring me to step up my yoga game. Main theme: fitness. Get it? The energy behind your passion is thoroughly contagious; & this is one virus I wouldn't mind catching, bahahahahah!

3. After you've gotten yours, return the favour! ;) (Sorry, just couldn't resist, bahahahahah!)

Also, remember to spread the love! We all need a little bit of encouragement every once in a while. It could even be a random compliment to a stranger. But what I mean is, see the beauty in another, but also make an effort to tell them about it. I know, it sounds bloody scary! What if the other thinks you're a freak or some shiz...hahahah...but trust me, the risk of being vulnerable is worth it. A tiny gesture can sometimes make a person's day.

The world has enough haters. She needs more lovers of all sorts. Spread the happy loving vibes, & let's be friends with benefits! ;)