Friday, February 17, 2017

Dear friends,

I have relocated my blog here. See you on the other side! ;) ;) ;)

Thursday, February 9, 2017

When You Get a Taste of a Real Man, The Rest of the World Never Really Tastes the Same...

Dear friends, today's post is a shout out to all men. I guess being surrounded by mostly women for a whole week made me appreciate male presence even more. I mean, in certain ways I loved the sisterhood, but let's get real here; there are some spaces which only men can fill perfectly.

To all you dirty minded mofos getting all excited, I see you! No, this isn't that kind of blog post! Bahahahahahah!

At the Shakti Fest, one of the things which shocked me to the core is how many women have been sexually abused. I think for me it is one of those things which you acknowledge at the back of your mind the direness of the situation, but it only really hits you when you see it in front of your eyes.

The very moment it hit me, I felt a multitude of emotions. Mostly sadness & anger.

Some of these women seemed to be among the strongest women I know of. They had no airs about them, were always smiley, were holding a job they loved; basically their life seemed well put together. It shocked me & made me realize that everyone has their own problems in life.

I felt sad & angry not only out of empathy, but also, in a strange way, I felt angry at myself for not being able to protect them. I know it sounds silly, but I did & still do.

But that's a story for another day.

Later on, I felt immense gratitude not only to the Universe, but also to all the men I've encountered in my life. I realized that there is so much more to 'being a gentleman' than just holding doors open & dressing well. & it made me think of all the times when a man could have easily taken advantage of me, but chose not to. It made me think of all the times a man did something nice for me, not because he wanted something from me, but just because he wanted to. Indeed, women are physically weaker than men, & they are more than capable of overpowering us if they want to; therefore these things really speaks volumes about a man's character.

From that day on, I decided to make it a point to always give credit where credit is due. I think we are sometimes too quick to condemn & to criticize, but are too damn slow in giving praise & showing appreciation. I'm all for women's rights & empowerment, but at the same time I do not believe in male-bashing. I don't believe in phrases like: 'man up', 'boys don't cry', & especially not ' lost to a girl?' I don't believe that either one is superior to or 'owes' the other anything. Right action has to come out of a deep-rooted feeling of love & respect for the other, not only as man/woman, but also as unique individual entities - souls.

Funny story: after I said thank you to one of my male friends, & was explaining to him how at the root of it all, my appreciation goes to his mother for raising a gentleman, he jokingly retorted, 'Oh shit, so that means I don't get any credit?' :P :P :P Laugh die me. Hahahahah!

I digress.

Women & men can never be equals; they can never be superior nor inferior to the other; how can they be, when they are essentially different in nature?

The differences in how men & women interpret things, bahahahahah!

Ironically, it is also this difference which sometimes makes it difficult for both sides to relate to each other! The woman wants to talk all (& I mean, all) about her day, while the man just wants to go into his man cave...then the woman starts accusing him that he doesn't love her anymore, & the man is like, 'What did I do???'

I hear you, men: 'So what in the H do you women need from us???'

I came across a Facebook post where women were asked what is the one thing they would like men to know. Here are a few of my favourite answers which may help clear things up a tad:

Women naturally respond to true male energy, when men are being true to themselves, embracing their maleness.. it allows women to embrace their feminine energy...I don't mean cat calling, sidewalk spitting, steroid driven "Guys" .. I mean, eye contact, hand to the small of the back, intellectual respect and strength. So for me... the one thing I want every man to know, understand.. I need you to be a man so I can be a girl. {The reason I think this could change the world is because if people were confident in their natural selves.. there might just be more love, compassion and peace in the world}

Listen to me. I mean, truly listen to what I say. Ask questions if you don't understand what I'm trying to say. Don't just listen to respond but really listen to contribute. And when I'm venting ask me this question: Do you need me to listen, find a solution or beat the shit out of someone? It's generally just listen, but if I know you have my back and a sense of humor, I can be easily diffused.

That men ARE NOT responsible for the way women feel and that women ARE NOT responsible for the way men feel. That an individuals happiness is an inside job and we bring to all relationships what we got going on inside. ha!

& ladies, you need to play your part too!

Let's remove the idea that men are emotion-less bastard pigs who think about sex every 3 seconds. Men are not numb to subtle body language & voice intonations. They are capable of knowing when you are upset, or if something is wrong. & I really believe that they want nothing more than to help make things better, but sometimes may not know how to, or what we as women need. Allow the men in your life to care for you. Being a strong woman does not mean having to adopt masculine qualities as well. You can't not allow men to be men, & then complain that there are no real men left in the world!

If they ask you what's wrong, don't tarik harga lah, aiyohhh! Tarik harga is a Malay phrase which in this case means if he asks you what is wrong, don't say nothing then continue sulking, hoping that he will ask you 108 more times what the hell is wrong before you spill the beans. Basically if he (or anyone, for that matter) asks you what's up, don't play games. Be honest & upfront, & honour the fact that the reason he has asked is because he is genuinely concerned. If every time play tarik harga, eh boring weh! Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

& if the poor man has not realized that something's up, please, for the love of God, don't take it personally; just tell him. Yes, I believe men are capable of noticing when a woman is upset, but at the end of the day, they are just human too.

We can't say we want real men in our lives, yet at the same time not allow them to step up into their roles as men.

Another thing: let's re-learn the art of accepting genuine compliments gracefully. Since when has it become so wrong for someone to express appreciation & awe for another? This post by Scoop Whoop says it all: Even When I Genuinely Compliment A Woman, Why Does Everybody Think I’m Trying To Flirt?

Not saying that you should go forth & accept any damn compliment that comes your way though! Everything is energy, be aware of it. & you will come to know the difference between who is real & sincere, & who is not. ;)

I will end with this beautiful piece by Sofia Sundari, which I deeply resonate with:

I want to say something to all men in my life.
I appreciate your presence in my life so deeply.
I appreciate immensely your ability to show up and say: I am here.
I love your natural instict to protect me, to provide for me.
I love when you look deep into my eyes and I know you really see me.
I accept your care with so much gratitude
I meet your darkness and your pain with never ending softness of my heart.
I receive your shadow, I receive your sadness. I receive you when you close off and hide...
I have no anger, no resentment, no expectation and no demand towards you.
Please forgive me for all the times when I unconsciously made you feel less of a man, when I domesticated you or hurt you...
I pray to never do this again.

I invite you to melt with me, and let yourself be touched by the innocence of the little girl, be held my the mother, be expanded by the glory of the wild woman that I am.

I fall back into your arms and trust that you will catch me even though I was dropped a thousand times. And if I am to be dropped another thousand times... I will still trust.
I want to say something to all men in my life:
I love you.

Friday, February 3, 2017

The End of A Friendship Is Tougher Than The End of Any Relationship.

Recently, I learned an extremely hard lesson on the importance of friendship. & coincidentally it was Friends Day yesterday so I shuffled my blog schedule around to accommodate this post.

Truly, friendship is the highest relationship. & friendliness is the only way to relate to others.

Just observe your connections with the people around you. The relationships you have with your father, your mother, your partner, your colleagues, your neighbours...& lastly, your enemies. Which are the most beautiful connections? Aren't they the ones in which both parties can be completely, absofuckinglutely, 120% themselves? & how do those beautiful connections compare with the connections you have with your enemies?

I have come to realize the importance of friendship because I really fucked up a beautiful one through my own idiocy.

Beautiful connections don't happen every day. In fact, I believe they are very rare occurrences. But when one starts placing expectations & restrictions on the other, when possessiveness starts rearing its ugly head...oh man, that's when shit hits the fan!

One of the biggest challenges of being human is overcoming possessiveness. & this is just a play of the ego, which says, 'This person is a priority in my life, so I should damn well be a priority in theirs too!'; as well as the sense of attachment, 'I'm feeling so good with this person, I want this connection to remain this way forever!'

Fuck that shit.

An uncle asked me over the Chinese New Year festivities, 'Why are you not interested in looking for a partner to settle down with? I don't agree with that. I think you need someone to be with, besides, who will take care of you when you are older?'

I was smiling on the outside but on the inside...hmmmmmmmmm!

Forget emotions. Put aside sentimentality. Come to the truth of the matter. What guarantee do you have that the other person will remain with you throughout your life? Not only are they a constantly evolving being, the same applies to you as well! Besides, the person you are now, may not be the person you are next year, or maybe not even tomorrow; are you sure that ten years from now you will love this person the same way you do now?

I digress.

But yeah, I'm not immune to occasional bouts of BS as well.

Friendship is beautiful because it allows love to flow naturally. There is no possessiveness, there is no hoarding. Have you noticed it? If you ask your best friend out for dinner & they say they have other plans, you don't take it personally. But if your partner does the same, oh sweet bejesus...let's not even go there. Hahahahahah! It's a mad world, really.

Ironically, we love people when they are individuals in their own right, but then we try to control & change them to fit into our ideals. Why do we do this?

I saw myself going into this shit hole. But somehow, I could not stop myself. It was like I was driving along the highway & there's a big truck in front of me...& my brakes had malfunctioned. So I kept frantically stepping on the brakes but the car was still cruising along...& then the inevitable KABABOOM! Feck. maybe's this is the answer I've been looking for?

Well. One of the good things that has come out of this is that I have a deeper understanding of what I need to work on, what I don't want in life, & what I am here to do.

A huge part of me still remains deeply saddened that out of a moment's foolishness, I destroyed something that meant so much to me.

This is one of the reasons I always tell people, 'I am not God'. Yes, I teach yoga. Yes, I love philosophy. Yes, I seem happy all the time. But I have my own stuff to work through too. & sometimes I mess things up too. Because I am also still learning.

So don't put me on that pedestal. Don't have any ideas of me. Don't over not under estimate me. Just love me as a friend.

Or maybe it wasn't even real to begin with?

Relationship is a structure, and love is unstructured. So love relates, certainly, but never becomes a relationship. Love is a moment-to-moment process. Remember it. Love is a state of your being, not a relationship. There are loving people and there are unloving people. Unloving people pretend to be loving through the relationship. Loving people need not have any relationship – love is enough.
Be a loving person rather than in a love relationship – because relationships happen one day and disappear another day. They are flowers; in the morning they bloom, by the evening they are gone.
You be a loving person, Mantra.
But people find it very difficult to be a loving person, so they create a relationship – and befool that way that “Now I am a loving person because I am in a relationship.” And the relationship may be just one of monopoly, possessiveness, exclusiveness.
Relationship may be just out of fear, may not have anything to do with love. Relationship may be just a kind of security – financial or something else. The relationship is needed only because love is not there. Relationship is a substitute.
Become alert! Relationship destroys love, destroys the very possibility of its birth.

- Osho -

Sunday, January 22, 2017

If Someone Says The 'M' Word Again, Imma Lose My Shit.

What is maturity? Is it the ability to handle situations without getting emotional? Having the understanding of how the world functions? Is it the capacity to accept things 'as is', even though you know it's bullshit?

Well, I've never ever considered myself a mature person, even if people sometimes exclaim, 'Waaah, you so matured one???'...erm...then why do I feel like a stumbling five year old who overdosed on cough syrup?

For most of my life, I've felt like I am just acting out a role, that I'm just pretending to be an adult instead of being an actual adult (whatever the hell 'being an adult' means, bahahahahah!). I don't have a college degree, have never held a 9-5 job, don't know shit about world economics, don't have three & a half babies...the list goes on. & it freaks me out that someday I'd be walking in, say, a shopping complex & someone would just point at me & call me out on my charade. You get what I mean.

When I was younger, I used to look at my elders & think, 'Wow they know everything,' & 'When I get to that age I bet I'd be so damn grown up'. Fast forward yonks later & here I am, not feeling any smarter, & in fact sometimes feeling even more foolish than I was during my younger years. Feck. :P :P :P

But then there are times when I notice how my perspective on things have changed, & how I respond differently towards situations & people. The things which truly matter in life have changed dramatically. Hopeless romantic that I am, even love songs sound different nowadays, & typical romantic movies/books/series rarely catch my fancy. Sometimes it makes me think, damn, this drama of life is getting boring. Does that count as maturity? Hmmm...a bit sien woh, like this...huhuhu...

In my experience, most of the people I consider matured have been through a heckuva lot of bullshit. Some have experienced childhood trauma of some sort, others have at an early age witnessed the death of loved ones, the list goes on. It seems as if life was forcing itself on them so that they would understand it sooner than their peers. But in the end, all these experiences helped mould them into better people. & truly, these people are some of the best people I know of.

I am reminded of this verse from the Bible:
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put aside childish things.
- I Corinthians 13:11 -

I guess just like anything else in life, everyone has their own interpretation of what 'childish' & 'matured' look like. To me, I think being an adult doesn't only mean being able to pay the bills, buying your own shiz & having your own car, own house, etc. You don't have to give up Saturday morning cartoons in order to be a grown up.

I think being matured means knowing yourself well enough to treat others with respect & compassion.
It means being able to set your needs aside for a while when a friend is in need.
It means understanding that things don't always go your way, but that doesn't mean that the Universe isn't working in your favour.
'Adulting' means not taking yourself too seriously.
It means being able to see the wonder in life, while maintaining a clear mind on how potentially brutal the world can be.
To be matured means knowing that life happens, & although you have your life to live, it is necessary to tread lightly & cause the least harm to others.

Sometimes, adulting can get tiring. But I'm sure goats have their fair share of problems too!

Grateful for everything that has transpired in this lifetime.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Yoga: My Saviour.

With everything that has happened the past week or so, I am truly grateful for the blessing of yoga. Of course, things are never always easy, but applying the principles of yoga philosophy have helped tremendously. Situations which would have required hours or even days, weeks, months to resolve, can be settled within minutes, sometimes even few seconds. Amazing.

According to yoga, you are responsible for yourself. Therefore nobody can help you but yourself. As much as we would love someone to always be there for us, at the end of the day, it's every man for himself. & the sooner we come to terms with this, the better.

It's funny how it will soon be a year since I was curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor, crying & shivering with sadness & fear. It was not one of the easiest things to do in life, yet it was one of the most beautiful.

When the realization of utter freedom hits, it hits hard. For me, it was so overwhelming that I literally lost it. The absolute understanding that my worth does not depend on any external factor, that I am absolutely free to do anything I wish was terrifying. Especially when I had lived my whole life up to that point thinking that something else determined who I was, something else bound me to live the life that I am living, etc.

Fast forward to last week, when I participated in the Shakti Festival in New Delhi. Many women commented on how carefree I am, & how they wished they could be like me & dance & laugh all the time.

& each time I told them the same story.

My loves, freedom is easy, but it will not be easy to come to terms with it, simply because we have all been subconsciously told that we are not free beings. & when I say 'free beings', I also mean free from your past, however ugly it may be, free from whatever others think of you, free from whatever restrictions you have put on yourself.

To come to terms with the fact that you are a free being, you will need to put in the necessary work. It requires a lot of self-study, a lot of contemplation, a lot of soul-seeking. Whoever said spiritual work was easy? It will be uncomfortable, there will be a lot of sweat & tears. But it will be worth it, I guarantee you.

Prior to my ball-curling shenanigans, I actually had another meltdown a few years back. However, the one thing which made all the difference this time was my yoga training. Because of this, an event which most would have considered a bad thing, became one of the biggest blessings of my life.

How so?

In yoga we are honing our awareness. We are strengthening the watcher in us. So when emotions arise, we are able to be with them, yet not identify with them. & from this space of awareness, we are able to process everything from a neutral standpoint.

So, when you get sad & cry, cry to your heart's content. But once the urge to cry is gone, pick yourself up & get on with life. Cry, so what? How long can you cry? How long can you stay in that mindset? Everything that goes up must come down, & it is the same with life; there will be good times & bad times - be with each moment in totality, with complete awareness, but don't prolong it unnecessarily. & another important thing: don't beat yourself up over anything.

So. When I felt like crying, I bawled my eyes out, hugged my knees & shivered as much as I needed to. But when the feeling passed, I just lay there in awe of what just transpired, in shock of the freedom that was in front of me. & when even that quiet time passed, I picked myself up & got on with life.

The same goes with happiness too. I'm also asked, 'How can I stay happy all the time?' My dear, good times come & go as well. The thing is how you manage your 'down times'. When you are angry or sad, do you simply throw your anger & sadness at others? Or do you have enough awareness to manage your emotions in a healthy way? So I really am not happy all the time. I just am very selective how & with whom I share my down times & other emotions with. I'm sure those of you who know me well enough, or who have been following my writings, know that I do not play coy when it comes to expressing any emotion, experience or opinion, even though it may not suit everyone all the time.

By the way, big shout out to those who have been strong enough to hold space for me. Love you all to the moon & back.

Even madness comes & goes. Bahahahahah!

Coincidentally, Madhu Sudan Baba-ji gave a similar parable about happiness. He said life is like a passing day, morning & night come & go, similarly feelings come & go too. If one understands this, one understands life. & one does not cling to happiness nor any other emotion.

Kya bhat, Baba-ji. Jai ho.

Even the desire to be happy all the time is a desire, a clinging, an attachment! Which, to me is the challenge of being a Tantrika. Yes, Tantra seems to be an easy way, full of over-indulgence & enjoyment. But the same work towards detachment is still there. Indeed, any situation which we enter into with awareness is spiritual & self-growth work.

Have a great weekend, dear friends. <3 <3 <3

Friday, January 6, 2017

Dick Is Everywhere. Connection Isn't.


The past week was a heckuva ride! A whole lot of revelations cropped up, some which turned my world upside down, others which only reinforced my beliefs towards certain issues.

One of which is the topic of sexual intimacy.

'Down boy, down!' I know what you're thinking, you nasty mofos! Hahahahah!

Sexual intimacy. Actually, I don't really like using these words together. I feel that it is possible to share a sexual experience with another, minus the intimacy. & it is very much possible to be intimate with someone, without any sexual acts being involved.

As always, it all boils down to intention.

& please ah, I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with either one of these situations. If two people have a mutual agreement that they are in a relationship based purely on physical sex, minus the intimacy & all the other trimmings that come with it, then go ahead, enjoy! The essential thing is that both parties are honest to each other as to what their intentions & expectations are.

Non-sexual intimacy, on the other hand, is a meeting of two souls. Yes, you can be intimate just by holding hands, by sitting close to each other, yadda yadda yadda. But the form of intimacy I am talking about here is when both are emotionally, mentally & spiritually open to each other.

If you are at total ease with another, with neither of you judging the other; if you can speak openly without fear of being ridiculed or brushed aside; if you can tell them your deepest darkest fears & dreams; if you can crack lame ass jokes yang tak jadi (failed jokes) & still have a good laugh about me, this is intimacy. Heck, even just sitting silently together can be one of the highest forms of intimacy!

Yep. Especially in this day & age where most of us are living in densely populated areas, you just have to go to your local shopping mall & will probably see a few people you would consider attractive enough to bonk! :P

On the other hand, when two beings are on the same mental, emotional & spiritual level, & are both loving to each that's where the magic begins, my darlings. ;)

& if you find someone with whom you can be both physically & non-physically intimate with...homaigot, jackpot, Baba!

Now here comes the tricky part, & what most people fail to understand about Tantra.

The sexual aspect of Tantra is there because sexual energy is the very basis of all creation. It is from your father & mother's sexual energy which you came into being (oh good Lord, a bit too harsh there!). Therefore, we are all ultimately sexual beings.

What makes all the difference is when one goes into sexuality with awareness. In that meeting of two souls where even the physical bodies start to fade away, & there comes a point where even the act of sex itself is forgotten, & your own soul becomes so alive, when you are looking at the other with utter love & devotion...

It is then that sexual energy has become transformed.

It is then that sex becomes a divine prayer.

P.S: Just came across this good read: Ordinary Sex VS Tantric Sex. Pretty much explains everything. :)

Go forth & be sexual, my lovelies! :D :D :D

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Nein, Mother Fucker, Nein!!!


Like, homaiphuckinggott!!!

She was my Woman Crush in Orange Is The New Black, & I would have gone lesbo for her!!! Dayum, son!!!

Poussey Washington, when asked 'What is love?'.

I can't imagine how it would be like to lose someone all of a sudden. I mean, yes, of course one can never know until one personally experiences something, but man, even the thought of it makes me feel like I've half lost my mind.

I guess that's one of the reasons I've never been good at goodbyes. You know, like, even the everyday 'bye, see you later' kind of goodbyes. The ones where you part ways, knowing at the back of your mind that you'll see them in a few hours' time. Or the ones before you hang up the phone.

Fair enough, some people hug when they meet & part, which in my opinion makes things slightly easier. Probably because I'm not always the best talker, & I defo believe that there are times when it is better to let energy do the talking.

But goodbyes over the phone though...wooo...that's one hurdle I have yet to jump over.

Like, what do you say before hanging up the phone..? Most of the things that we say are more often than not the typical echo-ed phrases:

'I miss you/Miss you too'
'I love you/Love you too'
'Take care/You too'

It feels a bit cliched, but at the same time, in a way, I'm afraid to say those words, even though I know it may be the last time I would ever get to say them. Sometimes I don't want to hang up, & the thought that this could be the last time I ever get to talk to that person paralyzes me, even in those few seconds. Maybe I'm too proud to say them. Or maybe...I take for granted that the other person already knows how much I care about them, & how much they matter to me.

Long story short, I don't do goodbyes well. & sometimes it is easier to put on the Funny Mask rather than get all sappy. May sound ridiculous, but I'm working on it.

Okey, I'm back to mourning the death of Poussey now. Oh good sweet Lord, WHY.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Every Good Conversation Begins With A Good Listener.

When I first read the above words, I was mind-fucked. So much truth, in less than ten words!

We always think that a conversation is about talking, but how often do we ponder the listening aspect of a conversation? That's why the phenomena of one person standing in front of a group of people to give a speech, lecture or workshop is called a 'talk', & not a 'conversation', & why when someone in authority is scolding you, they are 'giving you a talking to' - you have to listen, whether you like it or not, & you have little or no say as to how the whole thing pans out!

A good conversation is a heart to heart connection, where both are truly invested & interested in what the other has to bring to the table.

See, I don't know how it is for the other half of humanity, but for us women, more often than not we know what we need to do to remedy a situation, but we just need to 'talk things out' to release tension.

& during those talks, either one of these two things happen:

1. There is a battle going on between the head & the heart, & as said earlier, we already know what the solution is, but gotdang it sometimes it is bloody hard to accept the truth/reality/bottom line until we actually hear ourselves saying it out loud & then we be like, 'What kind of fuckery is this!'

2. In the process of talking, we naturally come to a solution by ourselves as we go along. For some reason, thinking about the subject over & over again in our minds is literally like walking in circles, but once we talk about it, our brain nonchalantly goes like, 'Oh bloody hell, here's the way out'!

I swear on my grave that both these incidents are too true, & I suspect they won't be coming to an end anytime soon!

I consider the art of listening very closely related to the art of holding space.

This year, what I tried (& am still trying!) to cultivate in myself, as well as seek for & appreciate in people is this ability to hold space. Everyone hits a low point every once in a while, & sometimes we need a shoulder to lean on, no matter how silly or inconsequential the issues at hand is.

At times like that, we need people whom we can trust who will accept us for who we are at that moment in time & not judge us. We need people who have the patience to let us go through the motions & gently guide us towards figuring that shit out.

Yes, of course we can't expect others to always drop everything & be there for us, especially if we are not committed to making any effort to step out of our own bullshit. But once in a while it is nice to know that there are people who care, & are willing to give you a helping hand out of that shit hole.

When we talk about holding space, it also means that 'whatever happens in the space, stays in the space'. See, it's one thing to be a good listener, but to have the integrity to not blab to someone else about the conversation; & not use whatever was talked about nor the speaker's weaknesses against him/her in that's priceless.

That's truly priceless, dear readers.

If you ever find someone who is able to hold space for you, please hold on tight to them. ;) ;) ;)

What about how to be a good listener/'space holder'? Well, long story short, I would say be the person you would need if you were having a rough time.

Alas, herein lies the trick! Most of the time it's a-okey to hold space for a person of the same sex, but what about for someone of the opposite sex? (Note the use of the phrase 'most of the time'!)

A lot of problems start when men & women don't understand how the opposite sex is wired. To make things easier for me (yep, still lazy as shiz!), & for your viewing pleasure, click here for this brilliant video by Mark Gungor: A Tale of Two Brains. Fast forward to 8:26 to watch the part which is most relevant to our topic here today, but the whole video is worth watching & may damn well change your life! Mark's execution of the topic is hilarious!

Have a beautiful Xmas weekend, errbodeh! I'm going caroling tomorrow & in my mind I'm already making up carnatic alternative tunes of the traditional Christmas carols. Bahahahahah!