Friday, June 24, 2016

The Forgotten Asana - IDGAFasana.

Today's topic has become very close to my heart as of the past few months. Feck, a whole lot of shit has gotten close to my heart these past few months. Well, that's just what happens when you emerge from the fire.

I absolutely love this video by Matthew Hussey - 2 Ways To Instantly Feel More Confident In Your Body.

Especially the concept of 'finding yourself in your category type'.

I think it's just human nature to always want the things we don't/can't have. A person with small eyes will want big doe-like eyes. Girls with small boobs (ahem) want bigger ones. Those with bigger ones want smaller ones (well, not most of the time, but still happens!).

Have you noticed that society has conditioned us to worship certain physical aspects, & condemn others? Or do you think it's an inbuilt trait that we are just born with?

I found this social experiment interesting: Doll Test.
But some of the kid's responses made me very sad.

Somewhere along the line, these kids picked up ideas on what is beautiful & what is ugly. All well & good, because without dualities, life will cease to exist. But when they identify themselves with 'ugly', now that I have a problem with.

Why can't we celebrate our own unique individualities? Why do we have to conform to some grand, ultimate idea of what beauty is?

Growing up, I've always been underweight. However, the first thing I remember disliking about my body was my thighs. I always thought they were large & flabby. Then I started wanting bigger boobs. Smaller ears. Bigger eyes. Fuller lips. Perfect toes. Even a different voice (still do, sometimes)!


Yes, I've had my fair share of BS too, dear friends. Maybe it's just a rite of passage that we all have to go through.

Yoga really helped me reconnect & love my body. It was like, 'my body can do all these things, wow'!

& when I started teaching yoga, it was like, 'all these bodies can do all these things, wow'!

& when I started teaching yoga, I also realized that regardless of what my voice sounds like, people will still like me.

& those who don't, well; meh. Their loss.


Everybody has their own strengths & weaknesses. One can do the splits within 2.1 seconds of entering class, the other can hold a handstand forever, yet another one can flip over backwards & grab hold of their ankles...who gives a shit whose butt is big, whose legs are chubby, whose arms are flabby???

We are all better/weaker than each other, in one way or another.

Imagine how bloody boring it would be, if we all had the same strengths & weaknesses!

The contestants for Miss Korea 2013.

I hope we all revel in our own beauty. Like, 'yes, that person is beautiful, but fuck that shit, I'm beautiful too!'

We have to own who we are, regardless of what others think of us. Truly, what is essential is how we see ourselves. & like I was saying in my last post, Anything Less Than Juicy Just Will Not Do!: when you are happy, when you are celebrating life, everything else falls into place. Regardless of if you are what society thinks is sexy, beautiful, attractive, & whatnot. (...) A person is juicy when they are totally in their own unique individual element.

Life will always find ways to bog you down. You have to love yourself enough to know where & when to draw the line. Yes, selfishness is not a bad thing, people. In fact, it is a very good thing.

I always allowed others to determine my beauty. I always relinquished my self-worth to the hands of others. Worse still, to others who didn't have their own shit together in the first place. From the beginning of the year up to last month, my weight dropped to 46kgs. I've never been that light since I can remember; maybe during my horse-riding years, but that has been more than 10 years ago! Needless to say, I was able to fit into many old clothes. There was a mixture of responses from people - some were amazed & wanted to know my secret; a few didn't like it.

During that time, I recorded a few yoga videos with Deep for Yoga Samiti, & I only saw them for the first time earlier this week. I looked like a stick. Good for advertising, but what is the use if one is not happy on the inside?

You see, dear friends; I allowed others to determine my feelings. I allowed myself to be manipulated. I gave someone else the responsibility of taking care of me, my emotions, my well-being.

& a heckuva lot of good that did me!

Not to worry though, I've been enjoying life for around one months now & have returned to my usual weight of 50kgs, to the dismay of my old clothes. All the more reason to buy new ones??? Bahahahahahah!

Never place your life in the hands of others. Not even the ones who claim to love you the most. In fact, it is those who think they know what is best for you who have more potential of causing harm! Because in the first place how do they know what is good & what is bad for you?

You always have to decide for yourself. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you, regardless of how your decision will affect others.

Yes, I wear spectacles; so what? If your idea of spirituality is a person who has perfect eyesight, then you have a problem, mate.

Yes, I have a big sweet tooth, so what?

Yes, I have a strange accent, so what?

One of the best ways to end any conflict is with 'so what?' Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, I respect that person's opinion, & I accept myself as I am, what? Why to argue? I fought to be the person I am today, & I'll be damned if

Dear friends. Dear beloveds who are reading this. Please know that the people who truly love & appreciate you will be able to see beneath the surface, to the soul which resides within you. They will never be sidelined by superficialities. & the ones try to bring you down for being different, for being you, don't belong in your life.

Be you, always.

The good thing about being your authentic self is the wrong people will exit your life, & the right people will enter.

That, & you'll live one bloody happy life.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Anything Less Than 'Juicy' Just Will Not Do!

Today's music: Karunesh - Call of the Mystic (Beautiful Relaxation Music).

Last weekend, I attended my very first (or what I thought was my very first) Tantra workshop.

Well, correction. To be fair, it wasn't marketed as a Tantra workshop, in the whole event description there was only one mention of the word Tantra (& even then that was just the teacher's bio, bahahahah!), & yours truly here got over-excited, LMAO...

What really caught my attention was the opportunity to get in touch with my inner feminine. It was a ladies-only event, & I'd never participated in a ladies-only event like this before.

So...what is my take on the whole experience?

To put it bluntly, I was sorely disappointed. Literally potong stim to the max.

What I really liked was the circle of trust that was built amongst us ladies, even if it was just for that short time. I feel that we women have been taught to compete against each other, to compete in physical appearances, work, to compete for the other sex even! Which to me is just plain BS.

A few weeks back, I joined an online retreat by Sofia Sundari & Samiel Carolina entitled From Ice Queen To Priestess. In it, Samiel told a story of how in the olden days, women used to 'sit around the fire'. Around this fire, they shared their joys & sorrows, trials & tribulations. They supported & nurtured each other. But today, the fire has been lost.

I can attest to this, as I was never one to revel in female company. I've always felt more at home in the company of males. To me, females were just bitchy, self-centered, gossipy beings with some ulterior motive or another.

But of course that isn't always true, as I have come to learn in the recent years.

Back to the workshop.

I really appreciated the opportunity to be in the presence of divine female company, all gathered with the same intention, each holding space for the other.

What was lacking was in no way the fault of the teacher or anything else, but my my own. 'Expectation, the root of all heartache'. Got that right, Shakespeare!

After the workshop, I realized that this isn't the kind of Tantra I am interested in. I don't want to learn how to be sexy, sensual, etc. just to get a man's attention! Homaigot, this struck me like a hammer to the head later that day! I mean, male attention is definitely a plus point, but to me, what I want to learn & experience is the love affair with life (read more in my previous post I Am Tantrika, Hear Me Roar).

You see my self-inflicted predicament, dear friends?

The practice was the same, but the intention was different.

Yes, I want to dance with reckless abandon.
Yes, I want to experience the divine sisterhood.
Yes, I want to celebrate myself.

But I do not want to do all these just to get the attention of the opposite sex.

I am doing it for me.

& what I also realized is that I've been actually attending Tantra sessions for quite some time now! Like during Yoga Teacher Training in Rishikesh, when my fellow coursemates & I would join the Baul mystics almost every night to sing & play music. Make no mistake, there was no sex involved, but the intimacy that we shared during those moments of time; few words spoken, but our souls mingled in the music, in the sounds...homaigot..!

It was a real pity that I could not understand their language, else it would have been more beautiful to understand the lyrics as they were singing. But then again, sometimes words devalue the moment.

& there was no intention there other than to be happy, completely immerse yourself into the music & song, & enjoy!

Truly, a mystic is a mystic. According to him, there is no need for yoga, no need for anything. Just sing & be happy. Just. Live.

Hari Bol!

It's true. When you are happy, when you are celebrating life; everything else falls in place. Regardless if you are what society thinks is sexy, beautiful, attractive, & whatnot. To create your own bliss, with or without someone with you.

Because, well, fuck that shit, man!

Do you have the guts to be you, in your totality? Regardless of what you have been told, regardless of the consequences, regardless of what is at stake?

So yeah, I was potong stim-ed, but tickled as well.

Because every time something like this happens, one of the first things that immediately comes to mind is the phrase, 'Damn you, bastard!' LMAO!

Because it is this one person who brought all this into my life. That person is probably reading this right now, bahahahahah!

& when I say, 'Damn you, bastard,' I say it with complete love. Yes, a bit of annoyance too, but with a while lotta love.

Because this really is a big problem!!!

Once you have tasted that joy, the 'juiciness', the flavour of life; you will never settle for anything less than that. Not within yourself, not within others.

Once you have experienced that raw energy & happiness in others, nothing else will do. Not even a hot body, not money, not status. Hell, I was just a few minutes ago watching this video of this year's Mr. World contestents; they were supposed to dance & come up front when their country was called........meh. No flavour. Six pack, good bod, nice features; but no enjoyment in their energy. They all came across as fake to me. They were all doing it for fame, for recognition. (Well, what do you expect, Ee Lee, it's the Mr. World competition, like, hel-lo?)

I digress.

A person is juicy when they are totally in their own unique individual element. A quiet person can be juicy. Someone who loves to attend raves can be juicy. A computer geek can be juicy. What is it you love to do? Go do that & you'll be a helluva juicy person in my books!

However, as with any spiritual practice, there is a catch!

The challenge of a Tantrika is the total opposite of a masochist - to not get attached to this bliss. :P

But at the same time, to place yourself in anything less than a juicy, blissful situation is not worthwhile!

There is a Tantrika in all of us; are you ready to let yours come out & play? ;)

Friday, June 10, 2016

Been There, Done That, Got The T-Shirt, Got A New Life!

Okey, so how in the H did I not ever know of this beautiful piece of music???

Life, oh life.

Thank you. Thank you for everything, good & bad. One of my favourite Rumi quotes which I really resonate with is:

I asked, 'Why have I received only this?' A voice replied, 'Only This will lead you to That.'
- Rumi - 

This week, I had the good fortune of having a beautiful heart to heart talk with one of the strongest women I've ever personally known.

The Universe really works in mysterious ways. We knew of each other's existence for almost a year now, but yet we were never really inclined to talk to each other. Yet somehow this time, things just fell into place.

In many ways, our experiences were similar. & yet in many other ways, they were dissimilar. My trials seemed trivial compared to hers. I really admire her strength. I learned many things through that conversation, yet the thing that matters most is that I learned I am not alone.

Through this knowing that I am not alone, I found courage & a sense of comradery. Through our shared experiences, we formed an almost immediate bond, kind of like, 'I see you, woman!'

The face I was making on the inside at that time. Bahahahahah..! 

In the past, when bad times came, I used to ask, 'Why me?', & over the years, as I slowly came to understand that everything happens for a reason, another voice replied, 'Why not you?' Bahahahahahah!

Everything that has happened has made me who I am today. & because of who I am today, I can share & connect better with others. Because I have firsthand experience, I can confidently relate to others or share with them if they are going through something similar.

I enjoy people much more nowadays.

I never realized exactly when this transition took place. In fact, someone asked me a few weeks ago, 'How did you overcome your introverted-ness?' I guess I did not. I still need a shitload of Alone Time, & people still overwhelm me sometimes. I just outgrew some of my shyness and insecurities. I used to think that I needed to be this perfect person in order to fit in. I used to be afraid of what others might say or think of me. I came to terms with the fact that at any given point of time, I will irk at least one or two people. What to do? I can't fuck myself up worrying what other people may think about me!

I've never been socially active in my life; never been one to actively seek others. But that has all changed now. Now I understand why in the past I used to feel so drained when hanging out with people. We just weren't a vibrational match, that's all.

Be very aware of the people who suck the life out of you, & the people who empower you. 

I really, really value my connections with people who 'get' me, and are willing to 'dive deep', regardless of what their passions or interests are. It's true, friendship is the highest love. Just a pure connection, a sharing of space & time; regardless of what each other does for a living, what we have done in the past, what we will do in the future. What is here & now? Who is this soul in front of me? What is he/she about? Acceptance is key.

What I also love a lot about connecting with others is that the things we talk about sometimes create 'aha' moments in me. Good example would be with the introvert question earlier. Fuck me, I never really thought about that before; & it was really an OMFG moment for me. I live for OMFG moments, bahahahahah!

Thank you, my dear friends. Thank you for making space for me in your lives. Thank you for sharing a part of your journey with me. I've always gotten a lot of shit for not being a run-of-the-mill Malaysian Chinese girl, so I really appreciate those who love me for who I am. I may also not conform to your idea of a yoga teacher; but yet you accept me just the same. It means a heckuva lot to me.

Speaking the same language is not as powerful as speaking the language of the heart.
- Rumi -

I've been thinking about Karas quite a bit too this past week. Tomorrow will mark 3 months since he crossed over. At times like these, I wish I could share my happiness with him, although I know he knows what is happening, & we have never really been separated. I understand why he chose me, way back on that day at the food stall. I understand why everything happened.

What relationship would be complete without those indescribable moments of random madness?

'What the hell does all this have to do with yoga???'

I hear you, you yoga prudes! Bahahahah! I was a yoga prude too, so I get you!

True yoga is not about the shape of your body,
It is about the shape of your life.
- Aadil Pakhivala -

It's true. I came to yoga through asana (yoga poses). But from that physical aspect of yoga, I discovered something much, much larger. I found life. & life is enriched with the presence of others.

Cheers to the weekend. Cheers to life. 

Friday, June 3, 2016

Who The Fuck Do You Think I Is?

Do you know what happens when you decide to stop worrying about what other people might think of you?

You get to dance. You get to sing. You get to laugh loudly, paint, write & create.

You get to be yourself.

& you know what? Some people won't like you. Some will laugh or mock or point out flaws.

But it just won't bother you all that much.

- Doe Zantamanta -


This word has been resounding in my brain for the past few weeks.



I kicked, screamed, & fought to be kept in my prison cell.

I held the door shut, although it was never closed.

If left alone, it would slowly open wide. Yep, it was one of those doors.

Yet here I am today.

I know what it is like to go through that period of denial & blind stubbornness. It was the most unpleasant thing I've had to go through (more about this in my last post).

But it was also the most necessary, & the best.

Freedom is not a forgoing of responsibilities. On the contrary, it is the biggest responsibility you will ever carry throughout your life.

To be fully accountable to yourself for your actions and inactions. To say, 'yes, this is for me', or 'no, this is not for me'. To not place the blame on others when things don't turn out right.

Freedom is doing what is best for you, regardless of whatever the hell others may think. Goddamn it I'm so damn tired of blind compassion. It isn't my goddamn job to analyze others' past traumas. I wasn't put here to help others through their shit, at the expense of my well-being. My life isn't to help others live theirs.

I'm here to live my life.

They said I was crazy. One said I was 'domesticated'.

The thing is, they didn't know the meaning of 'tame'.

You see, wild woman aren't always easily recognizable. They are not always the all-up-in-your-face, crazy-bitch-break-your-windows kind. They are the ones who you will never be able to fully understand. They are the ones who will seem to give you the most problems. They will tell you when you are full of shit. & sometimes when you are too full of shit to see that you are full of shit, they won't even bother telling you you're full of shit.

You will try to undermine her talents & strengths. You will try to trample on her opportunities, critique her passions & hobbies; and confine her to a box.

You will withhold praise during her times of success, & kick sand in her face when she hits rock bottom.

She will take all of these in her stride. She may even give you the joy of having the upper hand for some time.


We want what we want. We cannot be restricted by the boundaries of what you think is right & wrong. We do not play by your rules. We refuse cannot be predicted. We dance to the rhythm of our own heartbeats. We are the ones for whom the drums are played for.

We dive deep. We cannot comply to your conventional idea of 'beauty', as we see the unique, raging beauty in each & every one of us. We are not your superficial, shallow-minded girls who fight one another. We wear whatever makes us feel good. We do whatever makes us happy. We do not succumb to mindless trends, gossip & fads.

If you want to run with us, by all means, come.

But make sure you can keep up. Make sure you step your game up.

We cannot afford to be dragged down to anything less than half a life.

I've had it with people who cannot be happy for me, even on my best days. I've had it with listening to what others think about me, & what they assume about me. I've fucking had it with people who don't have jack shit in life, yet try to put my work down (work that I've been getting positive recognition for, at that!).

& every time I think about all of these things, there's a voice in my head yelling at me, 'Stupid, Ee Lee, stupid!' I was a dumbass girl who was too naive, too trusting. I was an empath who felt & understood too much.

I was stupid for allowing myself to be mistreated. I was stupid for allowing others to determine the course of my life, for letting myself be swayed by the opinions of those who I thought were on my side. I'm tired of being taken advantage of for my kindness.

My stupidity, my unknowingly allowing myself to be vulnerable; has made me strong.

I'm living my life now; according to my rules. I'm doing the things I've always been good at, & more & more opportunities are opening up to me. I make a living doing what I'm passionate about, & from the money that I earn, I find more experiences. I surround myself with people who support & empower me.

& during the times when I'm done being angry, I actually thank my haters. When I dance, I dance for them. When I sing, I sing for them. Thank you for being the toughest lesson I've ever had to learn, & subsequently the ultimate truth: self-love.

Ladies, I'm ready to be responsible for my freedom. Are you?

Osho - No Society Wants You To Become Wise.