Friday, June 3, 2016

Who The Fuck Do You Think I Is?

Do you know what happens when you decide to stop worrying about what other people might think of you?

You get to dance. You get to sing. You get to laugh loudly, paint, write & create.

You get to be yourself.

& you know what? Some people won't like you. Some will laugh or mock or point out flaws.

But it just won't bother you all that much.

- Doe Zantamanta -


This word has been resounding in my brain for the past few weeks.



I kicked, screamed, & fought to be kept in my prison cell.

I held the door shut, although it was never closed.

If left alone, it would slowly open wide. Yep, it was one of those doors.

Yet here I am today.

I know what it is like to go through that period of denial & blind stubbornness. It was the most unpleasant thing I've had to go through (more about this in my last post).

But it was also the most necessary, & the best.

Freedom is not a forgoing of responsibilities. On the contrary, it is the biggest responsibility you will ever carry throughout your life.

To be fully accountable to yourself for your actions and inactions. To say, 'yes, this is for me', or 'no, this is not for me'. To not place the blame on others when things don't turn out right.

Freedom is doing what is best for you, regardless of whatever the hell others may think. Goddamn it I'm so damn tired of blind compassion. It isn't my goddamn job to analyze others' past traumas. I wasn't put here to help others through their shit, at the expense of my well-being. My life isn't to help others live theirs.

I'm here to live my life.

They said I was crazy. One said I was 'domesticated'.

The thing is, they didn't know the meaning of 'tame'.

You see, wild woman aren't always easily recognizable. They are not always the all-up-in-your-face, crazy-bitch-break-your-windows kind. They are the ones who you will never be able to fully understand. They are the ones who will seem to give you the most problems. They will tell you when you are full of shit. & sometimes when you are too full of shit to see that you are full of shit, they won't even bother telling you you're full of shit.

You will try to undermine her talents & strengths. You will try to trample on her opportunities, critique her passions & hobbies; and confine her to a box.

You will withhold praise during her times of success, & kick sand in her face when she hits rock bottom.

She will take all of these in her stride. She may even give you the joy of having the upper hand for some time.


We want what we want. We cannot be restricted by the boundaries of what you think is right & wrong. We do not play by your rules. We refuse cannot be predicted. We dance to the rhythm of our own heartbeats. We are the ones for whom the drums are played for.

We dive deep. We cannot comply to your conventional idea of 'beauty', as we see the unique, raging beauty in each & every one of us. We are not your superficial, shallow-minded girls who fight one another. We wear whatever makes us feel good. We do whatever makes us happy. We do not succumb to mindless trends, gossip & fads.

If you want to run with us, by all means, come.

But make sure you can keep up. Make sure you step your game up.

We cannot afford to be dragged down to anything less than half a life.

I've had it with people who cannot be happy for me, even on my best days. I've had it with listening to what others think about me, & what they assume about me. I've fucking had it with people who don't have jack shit in life, yet try to put my work down (work that I've been getting positive recognition for, at that!).

& every time I think about all of these things, there's a voice in my head yelling at me, 'Stupid, Ee Lee, stupid!' I was a dumbass girl who was too naive, too trusting. I was an empath who felt & understood too much.

I was stupid for allowing myself to be mistreated. I was stupid for allowing others to determine the course of my life, for letting myself be swayed by the opinions of those who I thought were on my side. I'm tired of being taken advantage of for my kindness.

My stupidity, my unknowingly allowing myself to be vulnerable; has made me strong.

I'm living my life now; according to my rules. I'm doing the things I've always been good at, & more & more opportunities are opening up to me. I make a living doing what I'm passionate about, & from the money that I earn, I find more experiences. I surround myself with people who support & empower me.

& during the times when I'm done being angry, I actually thank my haters. When I dance, I dance for them. When I sing, I sing for them. Thank you for being the toughest lesson I've ever had to learn, & subsequently the ultimate truth: self-love.

Ladies, I'm ready to be responsible for my freedom. Are you?

Osho - No Society Wants You To Become Wise.

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