Thursday, December 29, 2016

Nein, Mother Fucker, Nein!!!


Like, homaiphuckinggott!!!

She was my Woman Crush in Orange Is The New Black, & I would have gone lesbo for her!!! Dayum, son!!!

Poussey Washington, when asked 'What is love?'.

I can't imagine how it would be like to lose someone all of a sudden. I mean, yes, of course one can never know until one personally experiences something, but man, even the thought of it makes me feel like I've half lost my mind.

I guess that's one of the reasons I've never been good at goodbyes. You know, like, even the everyday 'bye, see you later' kind of goodbyes. The ones where you part ways, knowing at the back of your mind that you'll see them in a few hours' time. Or the ones before you hang up the phone.

Fair enough, some people hug when they meet & part, which in my opinion makes things slightly easier. Probably because I'm not always the best talker, & I defo believe that there are times when it is better to let energy do the talking.

But goodbyes over the phone though...wooo...that's one hurdle I have yet to jump over.

Like, what do you say before hanging up the phone..? Most of the things that we say are more often than not the typical echo-ed phrases:

'I miss you/Miss you too'
'I love you/Love you too'
'Take care/You too'

It feels a bit cliched, but at the same time, in a way, I'm afraid to say those words, even though I know it may be the last time I would ever get to say them. Sometimes I don't want to hang up, & the thought that this could be the last time I ever get to talk to that person paralyzes me, even in those few seconds. Maybe I'm too proud to say them. Or maybe...I take for granted that the other person already knows how much I care about them, & how much they matter to me.

Long story short, I don't do goodbyes well. & sometimes it is easier to put on the Funny Mask rather than get all sappy. May sound ridiculous, but I'm working on it.

Okey, I'm back to mourning the death of Poussey now. Oh good sweet Lord, WHY.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Every Good Conversation Begins With A Good Listener.

When I first read the above words, I was mind-fucked. So much truth, in less than ten words!

We always think that a conversation is about talking, but how often do we ponder the listening aspect of a conversation? That's why the phenomena of one person standing in front of a group of people to give a speech, lecture or workshop is called a 'talk', & not a 'conversation', & why when someone in authority is scolding you, they are 'giving you a talking to' - you have to listen, whether you like it or not, & you have little or no say as to how the whole thing pans out!

A good conversation is a heart to heart connection, where both are truly invested & interested in what the other has to bring to the table.

See, I don't know how it is for the other half of humanity, but for us women, more often than not we know what we need to do to remedy a situation, but we just need to 'talk things out' to release tension.

& during those talks, either one of these two things happen:

1. There is a battle going on between the head & the heart, & as said earlier, we already know what the solution is, but gotdang it sometimes it is bloody hard to accept the truth/reality/bottom line until we actually hear ourselves saying it out loud & then we be like, 'What kind of fuckery is this!'

2. In the process of talking, we naturally come to a solution by ourselves as we go along. For some reason, thinking about the subject over & over again in our minds is literally like walking in circles, but once we talk about it, our brain nonchalantly goes like, 'Oh bloody hell, here's the way out'!

I swear on my grave that both these incidents are too true, & I suspect they won't be coming to an end anytime soon!

I consider the art of listening very closely related to the art of holding space.

This year, what I tried (& am still trying!) to cultivate in myself, as well as seek for & appreciate in people is this ability to hold space. Everyone hits a low point every once in a while, & sometimes we need a shoulder to lean on, no matter how silly or inconsequential the issues at hand is.

At times like that, we need people whom we can trust who will accept us for who we are at that moment in time & not judge us. We need people who have the patience to let us go through the motions & gently guide us towards figuring that shit out.

Yes, of course we can't expect others to always drop everything & be there for us, especially if we are not committed to making any effort to step out of our own bullshit. But once in a while it is nice to know that there are people who care, & are willing to give you a helping hand out of that shit hole.

When we talk about holding space, it also means that 'whatever happens in the space, stays in the space'. See, it's one thing to be a good listener, but to have the integrity to not blab to someone else about the conversation; & not use whatever was talked about nor the speaker's weaknesses against him/her in that's priceless.

That's truly priceless, dear readers.

If you ever find someone who is able to hold space for you, please hold on tight to them. ;) ;) ;)

What about how to be a good listener/'space holder'? Well, long story short, I would say be the person you would need if you were having a rough time.

Alas, herein lies the trick! Most of the time it's a-okey to hold space for a person of the same sex, but what about for someone of the opposite sex? (Note the use of the phrase 'most of the time'!)

A lot of problems start when men & women don't understand how the opposite sex is wired. To make things easier for me (yep, still lazy as shiz!), & for your viewing pleasure, click here for this brilliant video by Mark Gungor: A Tale of Two Brains. Fast forward to 8:26 to watch the part which is most relevant to our topic here today, but the whole video is worth watching & may damn well change your life! Mark's execution of the topic is hilarious!

Have a beautiful Xmas weekend, errbodeh! I'm going caroling tomorrow & in my mind I'm already making up carnatic alternative tunes of the traditional Christmas carols. Bahahahahah!

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Love & The Ego of the Self.

Love is one of the simplest things in life.

How many of you will agree with what I just said?

If you say you want to go & fight with someone, everybody gets worked up & most are eager to fight with you.
If you say you are in love with someone of a different race/religion/whatever-the-fuck-it-is, everybody gets upset even to the point of disowning you or even turning you into an outcast in society.

People are not allowed to be violent in public, but at the same time if two people are loving towards each other, then that is also not allowed! Especially if they are of the same gender, or 'different' from what society denotes 'normal' to be.

If you love somebody, & that somebody loves you back; then marriage is a must, regardless of whether the two of you want it or not; otherwise you will both be 'living in sin'.

If you love somebody, you must do ABC for them, & they, in return for your oh-so-endearing & universally-encompassing love, must do XYZ for you. Even if they do not like it.

If you love somebody, & that somebody doesn't love you back, you devise all sorts of tactics to make their life a living hell. 'If I can never have you, nobody else can have you.'

Dafuq, yaar.

Listen, buddy.

Love is God. Not the other way around.

You can never confine it to a religion, a race, a place, an object.

If two people are in love with each other, then what is the problem! The problem is actually you who are watching with wrong eyes & mind, not them!

Whatever people decide to do in their personal lives is completely up to them. Marriage is only a formality, a way of letting people know that, 'hey we love each other, we would like to share our happiness with you, let's eat drink & be merry'; not 'we are bound for life & don't you motherfuckas dare try anything funny with my husband/wife ever again or I'll dig out your eyeballs'!

& since we're on that subject, what kind of godly power would be so crazy as to say, 'Yes, okey if you have this piece of paper/this ring on your finger/this chain around your neck you can be loving to each other, you can fuck each other, you can live together; if not then I'm sorry but you cannot'???

One more thing I absolutely love, perfectly said by Louis CK:

'Nuff said!

Lastly. Not an easy one, but one of the most important ones.

If you love somebody, really love somebody; you will wish for their happiness & greater good.

Even if they love somebody else.

That doesn't mean that you have to sit by the sidelines & wallow in your personal mud pit of self-pity your entire life.

Hell no, by all means; go, live your life, be happy yourself! One person is gone, 10 more will come, who gives a shit! Why make your own life a living hell? For what? Out of some sick masochism??? What are you trying to prove to yourself?

If you love somebody, but their character/behaviour/way of showing love is not according to what you think should be........wait for it........who the hell are you to say what is the right & wrong way of showing love? If you love someone, you just love them for who they are. Whether they prioritize you or not, how much they choose to prioritize you, is completely up to them. (Bear in mind also that everyone has different capacities as to how much energy they are able to give to others)

Ponder this: do you love them for who they are, & do you accept that even if they do love you from the bottom of their hearts, their life does not revolve around you?

& the 'if I can't have you, nobody else can' mindset, oh dayummm that's the mother of all WTFs...why fuck up the other person's life? It goes against the whole essence of love, & you dare claim that you love???


One of the joys of being human is being able to experience love.

But one of the biggest lessons of being human is to learn to differentiate between love & ego.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Dear Soulmate...

Dear Soulmate,

I believe in living in the present
But I can't deny that I am also an accumulation of my past.

Although sometimes I wish I could erase it
It has taught me a lot.

Sometimes I wince at the thought of the old-me
I would never wish the her on anyone, much less you.

I hope you understand that although the past may sometimes fuck me up
It has made me the woman I am today.

I have multiple battle wounds & scars
Some put there by others, some self-inflicted.

I know that these have nothing to do with you
Yet more often than not the internal battle is a tough one.

I hope you will forgive me when I sometimes lose these battles
I know it is unfair to you, my beloved.

Believe me when I say
I am constantly working on them.

Some days I am all sunshine & unicorn glitter
Other days I am a dung beetle pushing rhinoceros poop around.

More often than not I'm a tornado
& I will need your quiet wisdom to calm the storm.

I don't want my idea of you
Neither do I want to assume you will remain the same person forever.

I want the you when nobody's watching
The you underneath the layers society has ruthlessly blanketed you with.

I want the real you, at each & every moment
Even if the real you changes over time.

For we are both organic beings
Constantly changing, transforming, evolving.

I will love you so much
If it weren't for your physical size, I'd potentially accidentally squeeze you to death.

I can be extremely forgetful
But you will always be in my heart & on my mind.

I will randomly annoy you, either on purpose or not
& make you wonder how the hell you got yourself into this in the first place.

Despite all this
I will not let you be less of the person you are.

Although I love nothing more than
To stare at you unblinking with eyes of adoration.

I will call your bullshit when I see it.
I will push & shove you if you need it.

I refuse to settle for anything less than the best
Even when it comes to you.

Because if there is only one wish I could make for you
It would be that you never stop growing.

& I hope you will do the same for me too
Even if that means we may one day part ways.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

A Yogi & Tantrika's Perspective on Loyalty & Devotion.

This past week, the theme of my conversations with fellow sisters seemed to revolve around the aspects of loyalty & devotion. It seems like, as women, we are all struggling to deal with these characteristics of ours, in the sense that they are very inbuilt qualities at come naturally to us, yet at the same time, social conditioning & past experiences stipulate that we should suppress them.

This quote speaks very strongly to me:

Loyalty isn't grey. It's black & white.
You're either loyal completely, or not loyal at all.
& people have to understand this.
You can't be loyal only when it serves you.

Having had my fair share of less-than-ideal relationships, I can safely say that loyalty was always an important aspect for me. & geez did those boys shatter my idea of loyalty.

Or, in layman's terms, 'These hos ain't loyal'...bahahahah!

I mean, of course it would be nice to have someone who isn't running around behind your back, someone you could trust has your best interest at heart, right? But doesn't that have more to do with honesty instead of loyalty?

The yogi in got me thinking, 'In actuality, what is loyalty? Who is there to be loyal to? For what? Who do you owe your loyalty to, & who owes you theirs?'

We come alone into this world, & we will go alone. As much as we have been conditioned to think otherwise, we are completely free & independent beings. Each moment is a choice, whether conscious or unconscious, but still, very much our own choice.

Now the catch: & if I am a completely free & independent being, isn't the other, too?
If so, what right do I have to demand loyalty & allegiance from another?
Would I prefer blind loyalty, minus sincerity? Something that is forced out of formality's sake?

Oh hell naw! Nowadays I'd much prefer it if you give me the real you, any time, any day. Even if it may potentially hurt my feelings, I'd rather have the truth than live in an illusion. What madness I used to live in!

If someone is not happy with me, then why to force him to be with me, knowing full well that he will be happy alone or with someone else? If I love him, would I not be happy to see him happy? Am I loyal to him just because I subconsciously expect loyalty in return?


Now on to the second trait: devotion.

I have never really paid much attention to this word until few days ago when it was sprung upon me during conversation with one of my soul mates. Feck, that woman really gets me, even when I don't get myself!

Definition of devotion

  1. 1a :  religious fervor :  pietyb :  an act of prayer or private worship —usually used in pluralc :  a religious exercise or practice other than the regular corporate worship of a congregation
  2. 2a :  the act of devoting <devotion of time and energy>b :  the fact or state of being ardently dedicated and loyal <her devotion to the cause> <filial devotion>
  3. 3obsolete :  the object of one's devotion


In some ways, devotion seems to be similar to loyalty, but in a softer, more intense, yet fiercer way. Therefore, to me, devotion can never come from the mind. It comes purely from the heart. It doesn't require anything in return; devotion springs from an overflowing of love. Then, the mere act of devotion becomes a joy in itself, even if it is not received by the other.

I feel that we either suppress feelings of devotion in fear of looking a bit too vulnerable, or because we fear rejection or losing out on something. Our idea of a 'strong woman' has changed much throughout the years, so much so that sometimes we even take on very masculine characteristics. Not saying that that is necessarily a bad thing, but why are we forgoing our femininity?

Another thing: we mostly link devotion to God, have you ever wondered why?

Well, frankly speaking, God can never reject you. God is always there, even if you don't pray for one day, he will still be there the next day. He won't blame you for it (at least not in most religions), he won't take revenge on you, he won't slander your name, he won't hurt your ego. & it is easy to devote yourself to a sure thing. But to devote yourself to a human, on the other hand...aha!

You can never know what to expect from another. It is purely their prerogative whether to reciprocate your devotion or not. They can even make a fool out of you if they wish to. It is hard because we are giving a piece of ourselves to another, & we feel like by giving, we are losing. But in actuality, you can never lose when you give. If you are sure of yourself & your love, there comes a point where the actions of the other become irrelevant. You are overflowing with love, & it needs to be expressed. What to do?

The women I've talked to all agree that our past fucks us up. I myself can personally vouch for this. It takes a heckuva lot of inner work to not dump my past experiences on the person in front of me, to see him as a person in his own light. It's a constant battle between 'what I know' & 'what I don't know', & it takes a motherload of awareness & patience with myself to get through the motions. Something that I not necessarily always have at hand. Yes, I have my un-pretty moments too, dear friends!

What I've noticed is that my crazy moments happen when my ego comes into play. 'I am doing ABC, so he must do XYZ, if not then it is not love & I shall make his life a living hell until he does XYZ'. Watafak. Seriously, watafak. Bahahahahah..! It sounds illogical, yet the ego doesn't subscribe to logic, it only wants to build itself up.

So where does one draw the line between devotion &...blind devotion? How do you know which is which?

The answer is: I don't know either!

I always say, there is no one ultimate philosophy. Philosophies can change, depending on the moment. There is no right & wrong. The decisions you make depend on the individuals involved, the current situation, & a myriad of other things which you need to process for yourself. Nobody can tell you exactly what to do.

What I do know is that the only way to find out is to completely submerge yourself into it. Go into it. Explore it. Go bat-shit crazy with sincere & utter devotion. Sooner or later, you will find your answer. But never, never ever leave things unsaid, never leave things undone, never ignore what you feel in your heart. Life is too short to do otherwise, & the what-ifs will fuck you up later on.

The way of Tantra is to be free-flowing & natural. Whatever comes naturally, regardless of rhyme & reason, that is the way to go, the way to be.

By the way, I hear you - 'Aren't Tantra practitioners free-loving people?' (if you get what I mean). Not necessarily. Whether you choose to have multiple relationships or choose to be with just one person, it all depends on you.

So what, if because of your devotion, others think ill of you? So what if you lose material aspects? So what? If you look at the bigger picture, you never really lose anything, in fact when you follow your heart, you gain a whole lot more.

But remember: it is purely your choice to be devoted to another. It has nothing to do with the other person. If the other accepts your madness, then well & good. & if he doesn't, then even better! At least you can now move on with your life instead of wondering what-if, or, worse still, being stuck in a dead-end relationship! & who even knows, maybe you yourself will feel loving towards him today, but not so tomorrow!

There is one rule though: do everything with awareness.
This is what will help you grow.
Awareness will show you what needs work.
It is the starting point of everything.

So yes, lose yourself in your devotion, but do so with awareness.

Reclaim your femininity.
Let it go wild.
Jai Mata Di! <3 <3 <3

P.S. Please note that there is a difference between 'devotion' & 'obsessive stalkerism'...bahahahah!