Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Acceptance Is Key.

Elephant Journal - Own Your Shit.

Doing the work isn’t easy.
It’s easy to pretend that everything is bright & shiny & perfect, that we don’t need anything from anyone because life is grand just as it is…but as for me, I cannot live another day without embracing my “stuff,” without owning my shit, because doing so would be inauthentic & I just can’t breathe another breath living a lie.
Want some more cold hard facts? Until we own every little piece of ourselves, until we fully see ourselves & own who we are, what made us that way & want to fight to rise above & be our best selves, we will never be happy. We will never have a healthy relationship - with ourselves or with anyone else. Period. Harsh truths.
- Kelly Howard -

I always wonder if I'm being a hypocrite & just being a masochist by wallowing or not always taking fully active action to changing/improving who I am or what my perceptions are in life. Sometimes, I just want to enjoy feeling sad, or depressed, or upset. I don't want to tell myself it's not okey to feel all these so-called 'negative' emotions. I am still learning to fully embrace the fact that it is okey to succumb to these feelings every once in a while.

A few years back, I was a very repressed person - although, of course, I did not realize this at that time, & even then I was considered too emotional & dramatic by those who were close to me. I could not say what I wanted to say, because people either did not know how to react, or would try to fix things by giving advice or suggestions on how to improve things.

Now for you all you men out there reading this, you have to understand one very important thing about the female psyche - when we come to you with our problems, sometimes we are not searching for solutions. We are not expecting you to always be Mr. Fix-it & provide the answers to all our misery & sufferings. Sometimes we just want to let it all out. We already have the answers & solutions, we just need to express ourselves to people who we can trust, & who will show empathy towards our situations. It may sound strange, but that's the way we work!

So yes, I do believe in expression over repression. Before Teacher Training, I was such a repressed person. Every unfairness that happened towards me was kept hidden within high walls, every sadness buried deep within. & all this was holding me back from becoming who I truly was. Every day was just like any other day, although at that time it seemed like they were different. I was just like a zombie trudging through the dull monotony of life.

Repressed emotions are basically stagnated energy. We need to allow those emotions to flow freely out of us (in the most positive way) in order to make room for healing to take place. I don't deny that there are people out there who are always positive thinkers. At the same time, dear reader, please don't deny the fact that there are people out there who are not always positive thinkers. I feel that to deny a person's right to express his/her emotions, or to invalidate a person's feelings, is like saying that that person does not have the right to feel that way. That they are wrong to feel that way, & instead should feel a different way.

Now all well & good if a person is a chronic complainer or Negative Nancy. Sometimes I myself do get a bit carried away with my wallowing that I need a good kick up the ass to get my pruny ass out of the wallowing hole.

Society has taught us to maintain a stiff upper lip, a poker face, put on a mask in front of everyone else. To act like everything is fine, in fact more than just fine, everything is awesome, not a thing wrong in the world. But by denying & ignoring the things that are not-so-awesome, we are also giving energy to them. Maybe not so much that they manifest immediately in obvious ways, maybe just enough energy to keep what could be extinguished alive.

Does this make any sense?

Childhood traumas, past emotional baggages, all these are buried deep within the recesses of our minds, whether we like it or not. & it takes a heck lot of work to heal these. To deny ourselves the need to air out these issues is to deny ourselves of healing. It does take a bloody big shitload of bravery & strength to haul out these deep-seated issues & bring them to the surface. At times it even hurts just thinking about it, & we can't even begin to acknowledge the fact that our current response patterns are based on these issues. Instead of talking about it with someone trustworthy, we keep them buried, supposedly 'safely' hidden from everyone else.

Another thing about exposing emotional baggage & traumas is that we fear bring judged. People can be extremely judgemental creatures. & we fear that:
a) by revealing our deepest fears we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable
b) by revealing that we were once so vulnerable, this person would look down on us or take advantage of our past vulnerability in the future.

Indeed, it is another thing to place trust in someone to not use your past against you. It is such a gift to have someone you can talk to without fear of being judged.

So yes, please do not be afraid of entertaining your 'negative' feelings every once in a while. It is healthy. Please do not be fooled by the constant flow of positive posts on social media. Everyone has their issues. Social media not only distorts people's views on body image, but also on mentality & emotional well-being.

Again, I'm not saying that all the positive-thinker social media warriors out there are phonies. Not at all. I'm just saying that there are people who are not that way all the time, & it is okey.

Accept yourself as you are. You are not alone. There are probably a million other people out there feeling just as fucked up as you are. & it will get better. There is no shame in falling down. Always get up. Wallow, enjoy it, & when you've had enough, get your ass out of there.

You have a human body, which comes with human emotions. Allow yourself the experience of the full range of emotions which being human entails.

The most solid advice for a writer is this, I think: Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, & when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, & when you laugh, laugh like hell. & when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.

William Saroyan -

Suddenly reminded about something that I learned during one of our Patanjali discussions:
If two people cannot get truly & utterly angry at each other, they cannot truly & utterly express love to each other either. If you have to suppress certain feelings towards your partner or your parent or your friend, how can you possibly fully express your affection towards them? Something is fake, something is lacking between the two. Then, you are still wearing a mask. & it would be such a shame to be wearing a mask in front of the person closest to you.

Acceptance is always key. Starting today, practice acceptance towards yourself. Talk to yourself like you would your best friend. The only thing that's certain is that only you & you yourself are going to have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. So what better time than now to start accepting & loving the good & bad parts of yourself?

Namaste. Love & gratitude for all. <3 <3 <3

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Lead With Your Heart.

A leader is best when people barely know he exists;
when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say:
We did it ourselves.

- Lao Tzu -

I never wanted to become a leader. Ever.

Full Yoga Immersion. Woohoo!

Full yoga immersion today. Fuh. Do die me. In a good way. Hahahahah! I really should stop using that phrase. Even as a Malaysian, certain Manglish phrases still tickle me silly. Bahahahah!

Well, the day started with an 8am yoga class that I had to teach. Sometimes I enjoy teaching complete beginner classes. It feeds the alignment-addict in me. Heh. One of the core principles I hold close to my heart is that we should practice asana in a way that allows for a life-long practice. We are not doing asana to be in competition with the person on the mat next to us. Neither are we doing it to be able to perform circus-like contortions & tricks. Not that there is anything wrong with people who enjoy vigorous vinyasa & doing multiple inversions etc. I like how Jason Crandell put it:

Different people require different degrees of physicality to feel grounded and content. And, even more, people’s needs change. Be mindful of where you are on this spectrum and find a practice and teacher that works for you.

So it wouldn't really be fair of me to say that every yogi who posts fancy asana photos on Instagram are just doing it for the sake of vanity, competitiveness, etc. Some people just have more energy to burn, period. What I am trying to highlight however, is that because of the lavish praise & attention that these yogis gets, other yogis start to push their bodies past their limit just to get to that level of physicality. Which is totally besides the point of yoga asana.

Back to the topic. After teaching, attended a Dynamic Flow class at Fitness First, The Curve. All these different class names intrigue me. But I was never in the financial position, or rather, it was never a priority for me to pay to try out various classes, especially at gyms; unless I'm really sure I like a particular teacher's style. But yeah, I got in for free because members can bring a friend during the weekends. Woohoo, score! Thanks, Michelle! :P :P :P

It wasn't as dynamic as I thought it would be, in my mind I imagined a really sweaty, hard, Ashtanga-style class. But it was basically just a regular hatha vinyasa class with more than a few challenging poses. It is always interesting to be the student when you have to do a balancing pose for ten counts. Bahahahahahah! One of the reasons I enjoy being a student is that it really gets thrown in your face that there is so much more out there to learn, regardless of how long you have been teaching.

In the evening there was Iyengar Yoga. In the beginning I never really appreciated this particular style of yoga. It seemed too simple, & lacked the intensity of constant movement that I liked. But over time, I realized that Iyengar Yoga is so meticulous about alignment, which is again what I always give utmost importance to. & another thing that I overlooked is that it doesn't always take non-stop movement to cultivate strength & flexibility. Sometimes, just holding the pose for a longer period of time can be just as intense a workout as a vinyasa. Also, holding the poses allows enough time for our muscles to really lengthen out, as opposed to only holding a pose for a few breaths. Thirdly! Because we are required to hold the poses for so long, it gives the teacher enough time to go around the room adjusting everybody, making sure we are all doing it to the best of our capabilities.

Another thing I really love about Iyengar Yoga is the usage of props, especially the wall ropes. Today we did a few variations of Shirsasana & Adho Mukha Svanasana with them. It is certainly scary the first few times to place your trust in these ropes. It definitely worried me the first time the teacher said to 'go inside the rope, align it on your hips, bring your legs up straight on the wall, then soles of the feet touch each other in butterfly & slowly lower your torso down'! Again, I was like, 'Nooooooo! Dafuq!!! Do die me???'...bahahahahah! But it really is easier than it sounds. Those ropes will hold you in place, they will not fail you! I've discovered that inversions are definitely a challenge for me, especially when it comes to placing trust on external non-animated assistance! This was quite a surprising discovery, because I never had trouble being assisted by humans in inversions during teacher training.

But yeah, looking forward to more yoga immersions. Different styles have their own strengths to be added on to my internal yoga database.

Iyengar Yoga provides me with the knowledge of safety & proper alignment in the poses, at the same time I have someone to correct me in my poses. It is vital to sometimes have another pair of eyes watching you, no matter how far along in your practice you are.

Ashtanga Yoga gets the pitta side of me running a bit more, getting me out of my usual sloth-ish-ness. Bahahahahahah

& Yin Yoga balances out the Yang in me. So important as a woman to balance out the Yin & Yang. Physical exercise does influence our energetic bodies, so if one is constantly practising Yang-style yoga practices like the ones I've been doing, I think it is very important to incorporate a bit of Yin Yoga as well.

That's all for today. I must say though, I am really enjoying being a student once again. Being a teacher is an honour, but at the same time sometimes it is a burden. As a student, I get to totally relax & just totally go within myself, I never realized this but I am so much more playful & relaxed when in class as a student as opposed to when I am in class as a teacher. Even in the tough poses, I break into spontaneous giggles; somehow yoga asana, unlike everything else in my life, was never always a serious matter. Even the challenging parts brought up laughter, when the other students would be clenching their jaws concentrating on doing the pose. As a teacher, I have to put on a mask to ensure my students do their best. Meh. Maybe I just have to get used to it. Heheh.

I bought a button badge the other day which says, 'In teaching others, we teach ourselves'. I agree. In class, not only the student is learning, the teacher is also learning from the student. It is indeed an honour to be the vessel in which to spread the joy of yoga.

Namaste. Love & gratitude for all, always. <3

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Going To The River To Pray.

So filled with gratitude.

I had been holding back on paying the Rishikesh Teacher Training fee because I did not have enough funds. Having to quit my day job did not benefit me in financial terms either.

It's now barely three weeks till departure date, so I had to force myself to bring out all my monies & make the necessary calculations. I had been making a separate fund with my yoga earnings since my very first paid class, with the knowledge that it would be put to use in my future yoga studies, whatever they may be.

With the Ringgit at an all-time low, it worried me even more that I would not be able to reach the required course fee of USD1200. Thank goodness though, it was announced a few weeks back that the fee had gone down from USD1400 to USD1200. It may not seem like a lot to some, but it is to me.

Honestly, some people don't know how it is to live in a country where the minimum wage is low & the cost of living is high. A lot of small sacrifices had to be made, including rotting at home for most of the time & having to postpone doing other things that I wanted to learn or do. It is true, money is not everything, but everything is money. I even had to stop sending money back home. Luckily, those back home are self-sufficient & are able to cope with or without my help.

So, back to the topic. Collecting all the monies I had in my room a few minutes earlier. With my very limited Mathematical skills I slowly count & add up all I have. Miraculously, it all adds up to just a few USD more than what I require. I clutch the stack of paper tight & close to my chest, & tears of gratitude just start pouring out.

It is a completely different feeling when you earn money doing your life's purpose, as opposed to earning through doing something just for the sake of money. I can't even begin to explain this strange phenomenon. I had counted my yoga earnings a few months ago & the same feeling swelled up in me. I wonder if it will always be this way. I wouldn't mind if it was.

Earlier this evening, a student of mine randomly commented that I have good karma, because I have the opportunity to attend Yoga Teacher Training in India. I'd like to believe so. My whole yoga journey so far has been a series of fortunate events.

When I was first diagnosed with hyperthyroidism in 2012, I couldn't believe my ears. The way the doctors put it, was as though hyperthyroidism is a death sentence, & I would have to suffer for the rest of my life (this also shifted my perception on modern doctors & medicine). I turned to yoga in hopes of healing my physical body. Although my condition did not immediately improve, slowly but surely I came off medication.

The few months before & after I was off medication though, I was also off my yoga practice. I had just shifted to KL & had 'rusa masuk kampung' (deer entering the village) syndrome. It was mostly just home - work - home - work for me. So I did not attend any classes for about a year, & what little self practice I had, dwindled down to nothing.

The following year though, a feeling started rising within me. The feeling that the life I was leading up to that point was not enough. That something was lacking. & one day it just struck me that when I was in Ipoh, I always used to wonder what I can do to advance in my yoga practice. Even though it was so early in my yoga journey, I was already internally questioning how I can take it further; what is the next step. & by that time I had already known about Deep & his teacher training in Kajang. But it seemed impossible for me because there were no teacher trainings in Ipoh, & no way I could travel to & fro Kajang every weekend; so I put the idea at the back of my mind.

So when that feeling of inadequacy came up again, I was reminded of teacher training. But yet, the thought scared me. Me, a yoga teacher??? I had always been an extreme introvert. How to be teacher woh??? But I took the leap anyway. I could always decide whether to teach or not after the course. I did not have enough funds to pay for the fees. But my then-employer was generous enough to loan me some cash. I am eternally grateful for that. It was the first & hopefully last time ever I had to approach someone for such a big loan.

& the universe really does bring the right people together, for the right reasons. Deep is very traditional in his teacher training approach, so he allows students to come back for the teacher training course however often they feel they need to. I have attended this year's teacher training too, & glad I did because I learned a whole load of new things. As we all know, yoga workshops & training are not cheap, so I am very grateful for this opportunity to keep coming back to learn & grow.

So yes, I am again grateful for this opportunity to be going to the 'headquarters' of yoga. Although to some it may seem foolish to be paying to go for the same 200 hour teacher training course again, I see it more as a blessing because I have always wanted to go to India since I was little, but had my fears on going alone & somehow going there just on holiday never fully appealed to me. So when this opportunity arose, where a group of us would be travelling together to India & back, & to fully immerse in yoga; I jumped at the chance. I was so desperate to go that I even asked to loan money from someone I should not have. I had other personal reasons for that too, but it was wrong & unnecessary for me to do so.

So yeah. It came as quite a shock to me, to have somehow acquired enough to go. Time & time again, the signs are being shown to me that this is my path. I cannot deny it, even if I want to. Sometimes it really saddens me that not everyone will be able to share this happiness of mine.

Although I will be back to zero again when I return in October, I'm sure that everything will work out somehow or another.

You see, life is never a series of coincidences & good luck all the time. Sure enough, I didn't expect to make the required course fee, but at the same time, like I said earlier, there were other sacrifices I had to make to accumulate this amount. The universe don't owe you a rat's ass. It will give you only so much, so don't take anything for granted. If you want it, you still have to put in some degree of effort. Everything is a matter of prioritizing. Is your dream worth not eating out for a few weeks? Is your dream more important than a new dress? The little things do add up. Prioritize your finances, energy & time; & the universe will play its part when the time comes. Appreciation for the gifts the universe gives you can never only come in the form of emotions & verbalizations - these are never enough. Your actions need to be in line with your gratitude.

So just because I seem to be cashing in on karma points, doesn't mean life is all hunky dory for me. If success were easy, everyone would be doing it. There are always things that go on backstage that aren't always visible to the audience. Prioritize. Prioritize & find balance between putting in effort & allowing the universe to guide you. This year I've learned that balance is so important.

For now I'm grateful. Just truly grateful.

It feels like this is going to be a rebirth of sorts. I had the honour of 'being there' when Gobuyan went to Hawaii, & witnessing his transformation as he learned & grew with each new experience that every day brought. & I know that things will be the same for me too. We are both similar in the sense that, in our stubbornness, by hook or by crook, we *have* to go to that one place that we have always wanted to. The only thing is, Hawaii is different from Rishikesh like how an extrovert is from an introvert. I will be going deeper into myself through direct introspection, instead of learning through sharing & mingling with others.

I know I can do this. But it is equal amounts scary & exciting. I wish there would be someone to share in this important phase of my growth. But maybe I'm meant to go it alone. The thought really saddens me.

I'm going to the river to pray. :''')


At the end of the day, words are just that - words. There is a reason why the phrase 'talk is cheap' exists. Anyone can talk. But to walk the talk, now that's something.

The great Tao of life. Love is easy, but at the same time difficult. Just like everything else - balance. Balance between letting things flow naturally, & putting in the necessary effort.

It's always through action that we can come to know of a person's intentions. Excuses are basically just pretty white lies.

Now is the time to practice being yogi. Nobody ever said it was easy. It is tough to allow others to live their life according to how they want & need to. But it's even tougher when I'm the one being sacrificed in order for them to live. The ego starts to arise, indignantly questioning, 'am I not good enough?' & many other similar questions.

It's unfair to say that effort is required in career, yet not required in relationships. Although I have respect for every individual's choices in life, I find it hard to respect people who can't be forward with what they want & don't want in life, & who hide behind philosophies, twisting & turning ideologies to their advantage.

Living your life purpose should never mean hurting others. Ahimsa.

Feelings & intentions should always be made clear. It is never good enough to not be upfront with the fact that a relationship is not a priority anymore, but instead go on behaving like nothing is wrong yet acting up so that the other party will initiate the break up. Whatever makes you feel better about yourself, I guess. If I have to be the evil one who once upon a time gave up on this awesome person who thought he was putting in his best effort for me, so be it.

& I'm sorry my recent posts have been all about this. It is hard to be yogi all the time, & I'm obviously still practising. At the back of my mind, I know all of this doesn't matter. But my superficial layer is still fighting a tough battle.

In the words of The Fray, '& all at once the crowd begins to sing...sometimes the hardest thing & the right thing are the same'.

Well, depends on what the 'right' thing is. Again, all boils down to priorities.

I have no control over the actions of others, only my own. & I'd rather back out in order for them to live a full life, than to cling on & give shit to the both of us.

Soft is strong. Just like how it isn't my responsibility to understand others, it isn't anybody's responsibility to understand me either. I've always been alone. & I can do it again. I will do it again.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Self. Self. Self.

Life doesn't always go as we want it to. Things come & go. People come & go. The things we hold dear to our hearts. The things we invest our time & efforts into.

The thing I really appreciate about yoga, & the thing that has changed my life for the better, is the idea that it is really all about our Self. It's all about doing what you think/feel is best for you, not anybody else. Because if you're not happy, how are you supposed to make anybody else happy?

& nobody is going to make you happy, all of the time. The only person you can really depend on is yourself. You are directly responsible for your own actions & their consequences, not anybody else.

Dreams, hopes, promises; everything is just an illusion which can be so easily shattered. Words are always only that - words. What lies in the future, nobody knows; hell, nobody should even be giving a fuck because we yogis should be living only in the present, shouldn't we???

& another thing is, you can never control the behaviour & reality of others. Today they feel this way, so they tell you this. & you believe them. Tomorrow they feel another way, & they tell you another thing. & you believe them. & it goes on & on & on. When will the madness end? When does one draw the line between not expecting people to live up to their words, & not trusting them? Is it not foolishness to remain still while they go on changing their minds? Especially when it comes to a joint venture you both invest in?

It's like at first the both of you promised to put in 50 - 50 every day. But somehow, somewhere along the line, some days the other puts in 20, other days they put in 10, some days none, but then again some days that 50 is back in there again. It's all good to say that you should remove expectations. But at the same time, realize your worth. Realize what you deserve. If you are in a joint venture, you have to accept the fact that it is called a joint venture for a reason.

Back to the topic. Inner work is so important. Selfishness is so important. & I've been in this classroom so many times, yet I'm still being called back to repeat it. It is hard to hold back on giving to others. On hindsight, I realize it has always been one of my misgivings.

Be selfish to be selfless. Hah. Challenge accepted.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Asana Is Only The Third Limb of Yoga.

It just fucks me when people are too obsessed about asana.

Please, dear brothers & sisters, the advancement of your practice is not as superficial as 'I can do this pose', 'I can do that pose', nor does it matter how many 'advanced' asana you can perform (Notice the use of word 'perform').

First of all, if your alignment in the basic/fundamental poses is out, you don't have any bloody business attempting the other more challenging poses. Because:

1. Basic poses; although they will get easier with time, are the core to your practice. If your core practice has been out of alignment, you have been (& will be) injuring your body each time you practice.

2. If your body is not doing the basic poses properly/correctly, this also means your body is still not opened up/strengthened enough to go for more advanced poses.

3. Your physical exercise determines your energetic/mental/emotional states. If you over-exert yourself, not only are you doing harm to your physical body, but also to the other layers of your being.

3. Combine these three factors, & add advanced asana to the equation, & basically you're just going to fuck yourself up.

Asana is only one limb of yoga. The function of asana is to remove excess energy, remove energetic blockages, & bring the physical body to a good state of health, in preparation for meditation.

Advancement in asana does not depend solely on performing circus-like acts. Sthiram sukham asanam. Can you hold a basic pose for at least thirty breaths, without the rhythm of the breath changing, without body trembling?

I'm sorry, I'm not always the kind of person who will teach yoga according to what the people want.

If you want to perform circus-like & acrobatic, contortionist acts in a short period of time, I'm not the teacher for you.

If you just want to practice hard & fast, sweat it all out & go home, I'm not the teacher for you.

I'm not going to teach in a way that causes more harm than good to your body. I don't really give a shit whether you like me or not; by not honouring your body, it shows that you are not even friends with yourself.

A safe practice is so important & cannot be emphasized enough. If you want a sustainable practice that will last your a lifetime, please, place importance on your alignment. It is never worth harming your body in order to be 'more advanced'.

In yoga, there is no competition between individuals. There is only competition with ourselves. Are we doing better than yesterday? How is my asana practice serving me in other areas of my life? How can the principles on the mat apply to my life off the mat?

Namaste, terima kasih.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Time Is Of The Essence.

Sometimes things happen in life, which may or may not seem to work out in our favour. In fact, nothing can be considered bad, because even the bad stuff has brought us to where we are today, & moulded us into who we are today.

We are all essentially souls/beings of light/spirits having a human experience. & we all have our own unique, individual purpose in this human lifetime here on earth.

Be grateful for what you have - it can be taken away at any time.

Be grateful for where you are - you are breathing & alive, that is everything you need in the moment.

Be grateful for who you are - who you are is a collection of all your past mistakes, 'failures', traumas, successes, achievements; your joy, sadness, anger, disappointments, bliss...the culmination of all these events is who you are today, at this very moment in time.

Who you are today may not be the same as who you were yesterday. Or maybe not even tomorrow. The gifts you possess in this moment are needed in the world. How do you choose to use these gifts? In fact, the word 'gift' itself denotes that these 'things' are meant to be given to others. It is not called a 'gift' if it is not supposed to be given away.

On the same note, the gifts you had in the past may not be applicable in the current stage of your journey. Hence, who you are in the future may well bring about change in your current surroundings, or even uproot you from everything you've ever known.

True that this happens in your best interest. Yet as mortals, we wonder & worry about the future. 'If so-&-so happens, it will cause so-&-so.' For every action, there is a consequence. Of course. Of course. All in due time.

& from time to time it does pull at the heartstrings. As mere mortals, we are prone to attaching ourselves to things. It is human nature. We cry when we graduate from high school because we have to leave our friends & familiar surroundings behind. The bride cries when she gets married because she is leaving her family to live with another. We cry when our friend migrates to another country. Heck, we cry a lot, don't we?

Yet deep down inside we understand the need for this sadness, because we are ready for different experiences. The universe is providing another experience which is needed for our growth. Letting go can be tough at times. But it is essential to trust that everything is unfolding as it is supposed to.

Sometimes, we forget to appreciate the people & things that are in our life at the current moment. They are all here to help us along in our journey, & we, them. Appreciate. Appreciate & practice kindness always. & what is kindness but the shadow of love? Give love. Uplift others & help them on their journey. & in helping others, we are helping ourselves.

Time is of the essence. Every moment is the moment.

Namaste. The light in me recognizes the light in you.