I always wonder if I'm being a hypocrite & just being a masochist by wallowing or not always taking fully active action to changing/improving who I am or what my perceptions are in life. Sometimes, I just want to enjoy feeling sad, or depressed, or upset. I don't want to tell myself it's not okey to feel all these so-called 'negative' emotions. I am still learning to fully embrace the fact that it is okey to succumb to these feelings every once in a while.
A few years back, I was a very repressed person - although, of course, I did not realize this at that time, & even then I was considered too emotional & dramatic by those who were close to me. I could not say what I wanted to say, because people either did not know how to react, or would try to fix things by giving advice or suggestions on how to improve things.
Now for you all you men out there reading this, you have to understand one very important thing about the female psyche - when we come to you with our problems, sometimes we are not searching for solutions. We are not expecting you to always be Mr. Fix-it & provide the answers to all our misery & sufferings. Sometimes we just want to let it all out. We already have the answers & solutions, we just need to express ourselves to people who we can trust, & who will show empathy towards our situations. It may sound strange, but that's the way we work!
So yes, I do believe in expression over repression. Before Teacher Training, I was such a repressed person. Every unfairness that happened towards me was kept hidden within high walls, every sadness buried deep within. & all this was holding me back from becoming who I truly was. Every day was just like any other day, although at that time it seemed like they were different. I was just like a zombie trudging through the dull monotony of life.
Repressed emotions are basically stagnated energy. We need to allow those emotions to flow freely out of us (in the most positive way) in order to make room for healing to take place. I don't deny that there are people out there who are always positive thinkers. At the same time, dear reader, please don't deny the fact that there are people out there who are not always positive thinkers. I feel that to deny a person's right to express his/her emotions, or to invalidate a person's feelings, is like saying that that person does not have the right to feel that way. That they are wrong to feel that way, & instead should feel a different way.
Now all well & good if a person is a chronic complainer or Negative Nancy. Sometimes I myself do get a bit carried away with my wallowing that I need a good kick up the ass to get my pruny ass out of the wallowing hole.
Society has taught us to maintain a stiff upper lip, a poker face, put on a mask in front of everyone else. To act like everything is fine, in fact more than just fine, everything is awesome, not a thing wrong in the world. But by denying & ignoring the things that are not-so-awesome, we are also giving energy to them. Maybe not so much that they manifest immediately in obvious ways, maybe just enough energy to keep what could be extinguished alive.
Does this make any sense?
Childhood traumas, past emotional baggages, all these are buried deep within the recesses of our minds, whether we like it or not. & it takes a heck lot of work to heal these. To deny ourselves the need to air out these issues is to deny ourselves of healing. It does take a bloody big shitload of bravery & strength to haul out these deep-seated issues & bring them to the surface. At times it even hurts just thinking about it, & we can't even begin to acknowledge the fact that our current response patterns are based on these issues. Instead of talking about it with someone trustworthy, we keep them buried, supposedly 'safely' hidden from everyone else.
Another thing about exposing emotional baggage & traumas is that we fear bring judged. People can be extremely judgemental creatures. & we fear that:
a) by revealing our deepest fears we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable
b) by revealing that we were once so vulnerable, this person would look down on us or take advantage of our past vulnerability in the future.
Indeed, it is another thing to place trust in someone to not use your past against you. It is such a gift to have someone you can talk to without fear of being judged.
So yes, please do not be afraid of entertaining your 'negative' feelings every once in a while. It is healthy. Please do not be fooled by the constant flow of positive posts on social media. Everyone has their issues. Social media not only distorts people's views on body image, but also on mentality & emotional well-being.
Again, I'm not saying that all the positive-thinker social media warriors out there are phonies. Not at all. I'm just saying that there are people who are not that way all the time, & it is okey.
Accept yourself as you are. You are not alone. There are probably a million other people out there feeling just as fucked up as you are. & it will get better. There is no shame in falling down. Always get up. Wallow, enjoy it, & when you've had enough, get your ass out of there.
You have a human body, which comes with human emotions. Allow yourself the experience of the full range of emotions which being human entails.
The most solid advice for a writer is this, I think: Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, & when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, & when you laugh, laugh like hell. & when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.
- William Saroyan -
Suddenly reminded about something that I learned during one of our Patanjali discussions:
If two people cannot get truly & utterly angry at each other, they cannot truly & utterly express love to each other either. If you have to suppress certain feelings towards your partner or your parent or your friend, how can you possibly fully express your affection towards them? Something is fake, something is lacking between the two. Then, you are still wearing a mask. & it would be such a shame to be wearing a mask in front of the person closest to you.
Acceptance is always key. Starting today, practice acceptance towards yourself. Talk to yourself like you would your best friend. The only thing that's certain is that only you & you yourself are going to have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. So what better time than now to start accepting & loving the good & bad parts of yourself?
Namaste. Love & gratitude for all. <3 <3 <3