Sunday, January 22, 2017

If Someone Says The 'M' Word Again, Imma Lose My Shit.

What is maturity? Is it the ability to handle situations without getting emotional? Having the understanding of how the world functions? Is it the capacity to accept things 'as is', even though you know it's bullshit?

Well, I've never ever considered myself a mature person, even if people sometimes exclaim, 'Waaah, you so matured one???'...erm...then why do I feel like a stumbling five year old who overdosed on cough syrup?

For most of my life, I've felt like I am just acting out a role, that I'm just pretending to be an adult instead of being an actual adult (whatever the hell 'being an adult' means, bahahahahah!). I don't have a college degree, have never held a 9-5 job, don't know shit about world economics, don't have three & a half babies...the list goes on. & it freaks me out that someday I'd be walking in, say, a shopping complex & someone would just point at me & call me out on my charade. You get what I mean.

When I was younger, I used to look at my elders & think, 'Wow they know everything,' & 'When I get to that age I bet I'd be so damn grown up'. Fast forward yonks later & here I am, not feeling any smarter, & in fact sometimes feeling even more foolish than I was during my younger years. Feck. :P :P :P

But then there are times when I notice how my perspective on things have changed, & how I respond differently towards situations & people. The things which truly matter in life have changed dramatically. Hopeless romantic that I am, even love songs sound different nowadays, & typical romantic movies/books/series rarely catch my fancy. Sometimes it makes me think, damn, this drama of life is getting boring. Does that count as maturity? Hmmm...a bit sien woh, like this...huhuhu...

In my experience, most of the people I consider matured have been through a heckuva lot of bullshit. Some have experienced childhood trauma of some sort, others have at an early age witnessed the death of loved ones, the list goes on. It seems as if life was forcing itself on them so that they would understand it sooner than their peers. But in the end, all these experiences helped mould them into better people. & truly, these people are some of the best people I know of.

I am reminded of this verse from the Bible:
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put aside childish things.
- I Corinthians 13:11 -

I guess just like anything else in life, everyone has their own interpretation of what 'childish' & 'matured' look like. To me, I think being an adult doesn't only mean being able to pay the bills, buying your own shiz & having your own car, own house, etc. You don't have to give up Saturday morning cartoons in order to be a grown up.

I think being matured means knowing yourself well enough to treat others with respect & compassion.
It means being able to set your needs aside for a while when a friend is in need.
It means understanding that things don't always go your way, but that doesn't mean that the Universe isn't working in your favour.
'Adulting' means not taking yourself too seriously.
It means being able to see the wonder in life, while maintaining a clear mind on how potentially brutal the world can be.
To be matured means knowing that life happens, & although you have your life to live, it is necessary to tread lightly & cause the least harm to others.

Sometimes, adulting can get tiring. But I'm sure goats have their fair share of problems too!

Grateful for everything that has transpired in this lifetime.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Yoga: My Saviour.

With everything that has happened the past week or so, I am truly grateful for the blessing of yoga. Of course, things are never always easy, but applying the principles of yoga philosophy have helped tremendously. Situations which would have required hours or even days, weeks, months to resolve, can be settled within minutes, sometimes even few seconds. Amazing.

According to yoga, you are responsible for yourself. Therefore nobody can help you but yourself. As much as we would love someone to always be there for us, at the end of the day, it's every man for himself. & the sooner we come to terms with this, the better.

It's funny how it will soon be a year since I was curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor, crying & shivering with sadness & fear. It was not one of the easiest things to do in life, yet it was one of the most beautiful.

When the realization of utter freedom hits, it hits hard. For me, it was so overwhelming that I literally lost it. The absolute understanding that my worth does not depend on any external factor, that I am absolutely free to do anything I wish was terrifying. Especially when I had lived my whole life up to that point thinking that something else determined who I was, something else bound me to live the life that I am living, etc.

Fast forward to last week, when I participated in the Shakti Festival in New Delhi. Many women commented on how carefree I am, & how they wished they could be like me & dance & laugh all the time.

& each time I told them the same story.

My loves, freedom is easy, but it will not be easy to come to terms with it, simply because we have all been subconsciously told that we are not free beings. & when I say 'free beings', I also mean free from your past, however ugly it may be, free from whatever others think of you, free from whatever restrictions you have put on yourself.

To come to terms with the fact that you are a free being, you will need to put in the necessary work. It requires a lot of self-study, a lot of contemplation, a lot of soul-seeking. Whoever said spiritual work was easy? It will be uncomfortable, there will be a lot of sweat & tears. But it will be worth it, I guarantee you.

Prior to my ball-curling shenanigans, I actually had another meltdown a few years back. However, the one thing which made all the difference this time was my yoga training. Because of this, an event which most would have considered a bad thing, became one of the biggest blessings of my life.

How so?

In yoga we are honing our awareness. We are strengthening the watcher in us. So when emotions arise, we are able to be with them, yet not identify with them. & from this space of awareness, we are able to process everything from a neutral standpoint.

So, when you get sad & cry, cry to your heart's content. But once the urge to cry is gone, pick yourself up & get on with life. Cry, so what? How long can you cry? How long can you stay in that mindset? Everything that goes up must come down, & it is the same with life; there will be good times & bad times - be with each moment in totality, with complete awareness, but don't prolong it unnecessarily. & another important thing: don't beat yourself up over anything.

So. When I felt like crying, I bawled my eyes out, hugged my knees & shivered as much as I needed to. But when the feeling passed, I just lay there in awe of what just transpired, in shock of the freedom that was in front of me. & when even that quiet time passed, I picked myself up & got on with life.

The same goes with happiness too. I'm also asked, 'How can I stay happy all the time?' My dear, good times come & go as well. The thing is how you manage your 'down times'. When you are angry or sad, do you simply throw your anger & sadness at others? Or do you have enough awareness to manage your emotions in a healthy way? So I really am not happy all the time. I just am very selective how & with whom I share my down times & other emotions with. I'm sure those of you who know me well enough, or who have been following my writings, know that I do not play coy when it comes to expressing any emotion, experience or opinion, even though it may not suit everyone all the time.

By the way, big shout out to those who have been strong enough to hold space for me. Love you all to the moon & back.

Even madness comes & goes. Bahahahahah!

Coincidentally, Madhu Sudan Baba-ji gave a similar parable about happiness. He said life is like a passing day, morning & night come & go, similarly feelings come & go too. If one understands this, one understands life. & one does not cling to happiness nor any other emotion.

Kya bhat, Baba-ji. Jai ho.

Even the desire to be happy all the time is a desire, a clinging, an attachment! Which, to me is the challenge of being a Tantrika. Yes, Tantra seems to be an easy way, full of over-indulgence & enjoyment. But the same work towards detachment is still there. Indeed, any situation which we enter into with awareness is spiritual & self-growth work.

Have a great weekend, dear friends. <3 <3 <3

Friday, January 6, 2017

Dick Is Everywhere. Connection Isn't.


The past week was a heckuva ride! A whole lot of revelations cropped up, some which turned my world upside down, others which only reinforced my beliefs towards certain issues.

One of which is the topic of sexual intimacy.

'Down boy, down!' I know what you're thinking, you nasty mofos! Hahahahah!

Sexual intimacy. Actually, I don't really like using these words together. I feel that it is possible to share a sexual experience with another, minus the intimacy. & it is very much possible to be intimate with someone, without any sexual acts being involved.

As always, it all boils down to intention.

& please ah, I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with either one of these situations. If two people have a mutual agreement that they are in a relationship based purely on physical sex, minus the intimacy & all the other trimmings that come with it, then go ahead, enjoy! The essential thing is that both parties are honest to each other as to what their intentions & expectations are.

Non-sexual intimacy, on the other hand, is a meeting of two souls. Yes, you can be intimate just by holding hands, by sitting close to each other, yadda yadda yadda. But the form of intimacy I am talking about here is when both are emotionally, mentally & spiritually open to each other.

If you are at total ease with another, with neither of you judging the other; if you can speak openly without fear of being ridiculed or brushed aside; if you can tell them your deepest darkest fears & dreams; if you can crack lame ass jokes yang tak jadi (failed jokes) & still have a good laugh about me, this is intimacy. Heck, even just sitting silently together can be one of the highest forms of intimacy!

Yep. Especially in this day & age where most of us are living in densely populated areas, you just have to go to your local shopping mall & will probably see a few people you would consider attractive enough to bonk! :P

On the other hand, when two beings are on the same mental, emotional & spiritual level, & are both loving to each that's where the magic begins, my darlings. ;)

& if you find someone with whom you can be both physically & non-physically intimate with...homaigot, jackpot, Baba!

Now here comes the tricky part, & what most people fail to understand about Tantra.

The sexual aspect of Tantra is there because sexual energy is the very basis of all creation. It is from your father & mother's sexual energy which you came into being (oh good Lord, a bit too harsh there!). Therefore, we are all ultimately sexual beings.

What makes all the difference is when one goes into sexuality with awareness. In that meeting of two souls where even the physical bodies start to fade away, & there comes a point where even the act of sex itself is forgotten, & your own soul becomes so alive, when you are looking at the other with utter love & devotion...

It is then that sexual energy has become transformed.

It is then that sex becomes a divine prayer.

P.S: Just came across this good read: Ordinary Sex VS Tantric Sex. Pretty much explains everything. :)

Go forth & be sexual, my lovelies! :D :D :D