Friday, May 27, 2016

Life Is A Solo Trip With A One Way Ticket.

Why is love so painful?

Love is painful because it creates the way for bliss. Love is painful because it transforms, love is mutation. Each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. The old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown. You will be moving in an uncharted ocean. You cannot use your mind with the new; with the old, the mind is skillful. The mind can function only with the old; with the new, the mind is utterly useless.

Hence, fear arises. & leaving the old, comfortable, safe world, the world of convenience, pain arises. It is the same pain that the child feels when he comes out of the womb of the mother. It is the same pain that the bird feels when he comes out of the egg. It is the same pain that the bird feels when he will try for the first time to be on the wing. The fear of the unknown, & the security of the known, the insecurity of the unknown, makes one very much frightened.

& because the transformation is going to be from the self toward a state of no-self, agony is very deep. But you cannot have ecstasy without going through agony. If the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.

Love is fire.

- Osho -

The main reason I love Osho is because he perfectly puts into words what I have either been thinking all along, or have experienced, but could not express. Ya lah, what to do, yours truly here has writer's block more often than you would think!

Yes, we all have certain expectations of how life 'should' be. & when things start moving in a different direction, more often than not we start panicking, anxiety kicks in, & whatnot.

Me myself, yes, I have a shitload of attachment issues (among many other things!). Up until a few weeks ago the pain & fear would be so much that I would actually curl up on the floor sobbing. No joke! I had no appetite most of the time, & lost 3kgs. It was the lightest I've ever been since leaving school; I wasn't even that light when I was riding horses.

This was by far the greatest breakdown I've ever had. I am grateful for being exposed to various philosophies these past two years though. Collecting knowledge is not a bad thing, as it may come in handy in the future. Just be aware what kind of knowledge you are accumulating.

This time, I could distance myself from my emotions. I understood why I felt the way I did. At the same time the emotions were very real. I felt like I needed to reach out to someone, & I did sometimes, but most of the time I knew that it was something I needed to go through alone.

It was one of the toughest yet best decisions I've ever made.

I've never really talked about this to anyone, because I don't think many would understand. On hindsight, I myself have always understood, but because I never experienced, my understanding was shallow. How to perfectly explain 'watch your emotions, but don't get identified'? How to make someone see that I 'enjoyed my sadness & fear'??? I tried last week, but they looked at me baffled. Bahahahahah!

The simplest way I can put it is it's like that scene from the movie 127 Hours, where Aron Ralston has to amputate his own arm to survive (not sharing a link because I myself never dared to watch that gory scene!). Or that scene from The Matrix when Neo learnt the truth.

I saw freedom. I saw it, & I felt it. & fuck did it scare me.

The feeling of complete aloneness. The vastness of this existence. The feeling that 'Oh shit, nothing matters; everything I thought meant the world to me, does not matter. Nothing that is happening now matters. Nothing that is going to happen matters. Everything'

The feeling of utter abandonment. For the majority of my life, I've thought that I wasn't alone. There are people there for me. That we're all in this together. Well, true to a certain extent. But at the end of the day, life is a solo trip with a one way ticket.

Feelings of abandonment also came with the burning away of false conceptions of love. That possession, control & permanence are marks of 'true love'. The idea that someone must be a certain way, has to do certain things & not other things, in order for their love to be true.

The feelings of freedom. Oh yes. This freedom is scary. Again because I've always had something or another that I've always felt responsible for, or something or another that did not allow me to find my freedom. Something or another which I had to 'sacrifice' my search for my happiness, my freedom, my Self for. & once I saw the truth of this freedom from responsibility - the truth that I am not responsible for anyone/thing else other than myself; what a liberation! But fear comes because I wondered, 'What now?'

You see, we always say, 'I will do XYZ, once I am done doing ABC.' This is legit, sometimes; but at other times it is just an excuse, a form of avoidance. Truthfully, we humans are afraid of freedom. We are afraid of taking full responsibility for ourselves, even to the extent of pointing the finger at God, destiny, fate, etc. Bahahahahah! But look deeper into it: why do we do this?

Well, the simple answer is again, to avoid responsibility. If things don't go well, we can always blame something/body else. Come on, man; responsibility is a heavy burden, no doubt about that, but we are going on being responsible about the wrong things!

Dare you be responsible for yourself, your life, your happiness, your sadness? Dare you go against social convention, the teachings you have been taught throughout your life, the general consensus of what is 'right' & what is 'wrong', to listen to your own heart, to accept yourself in your totality? Dare you let go?

Enlightenment, spirituality, yoga, tantra, it all looks easy. But, as with everything else in life, they require commitment & a heckuva lot of courage. & once one has a glimpse into that space, it doesn't mean they stay there permanently without any effort. No, effort is a constant. & I am not perfect either, I am still working on myself, so please forgive me if I commit any blunders. But I really understand the quote 'I love the person I am, because I fought hard to become her'.

To my dear readers who are going through difficult times right now - have courage, dear friend. Much better things are close ahead, no matter how distant they may seem.

One of my theme songs of the week is Needtobreathe - Happiness.

One life - how you going to live it?

This life ain't going to come again. Heck, this moment is never going to come again, no matter how well we try to recreate it. & the moments are passing even as I am typing this, & you are reading. Live the life you love!

Friday, May 20, 2016

I Am Tantrika, Hear Me Roar.

This is definitely one of my favourite Osho talks: Osho - Tantra Attitude.

Love, love love. It has been my driving force throughout my life. & yet I never really understood why until now.

There are many ways up the mountain, & there are many ways towards that ultimate aim - enlightenment, or heaven, or whatever the fuck you call it. Mine is love. In all its forms, in all its beauty & despair; I am slowly beginning to understand love.

Anyway, what is heaven? Is it some place that we go to in the future? Is it some gift we have to suffer for in this present moment? Why can't it be here & now? Why wait?

Sorry, potong stim moment: Tantra is not only about sex. I guess by now you would have realized that the post title was just to catch your attention; you nasty dirty minded human, you!

To me, Tantra is a love affair with life. The little things in life, even those considered 'plain' - can you see the beauty in them??? Are you open to the gentle nuances of life, the little things which add up to make this life so beautiful? I understand now why I could stare at a flower for yonks, or stop dead in my tracks to photograph a random door or rock...

A random door in Rishikesh. Somehow, looking at this particular door, I wonder what stories it would tell. I wonder what lies behind it. The mouldy, peeling pink & cream colours only add to its rustic charm.

The moment I started appreciating Tantra was when I learnt about the concept of saying 'yes' to everything. No 'good', no 'bad' - everything just is. Because how can something exist without its opposite existing at the same time? Just imagine: how could you right hand exist if your left hand did not? Life is a shit storm of dualities! What the hell do I get if I promote one & reject the other? What the hell does it all matter, at the end of the day??? Everything which I thought was 'bad' led me to something good, & some things which I thought were 'good' led me to something bad; so why the hell should I judge & work myself up over things???

Tantra not only teaches us to say 'yes' to everything, but also 'yes' to ourselves. YES, in our totality! Why to fuck yourself up with foolish notions of how you should look, how you should behave, what you should achieve in this life; if you take a closer look at the reality of things, nobody is 100% happy with their lot in life. You ask the world's top supermodel, she will say she is not happy with something other than her looks. You ask a world leader, he will say it is something unrelated to power. You ask a schoolboy, he will say something about growing up & being independent. Ask an adult man, he will probably say something about being grown up & independent! What a joke!

You can't love anything else if you don't first love yourself. You cannot accept anyone/thing else if you cannot first accept yourself. Truly, loving oneself is the basis of everything else. Even in your perceived 'weaknesses', your 'failures', your 'flaws'; why the hell to beat yourself up over it? It is exactly your 'weaknesses' & your 'strengths' which make you a totally unique individual, an individual which can never ever exist in the complete same manner ever!

But no! The world goes on creating divisions; the commercial companies keep creating ideas of 'right' & 'wrong', the politicians promote what is 'good' & 'bad', the religious people tell you what is 'dosa' & 'pahala' (for lack of better words in English); & when somebody comes along & tells you very simply: Everything is A-ok as it is; you say he is mad???

I could say a lot more, & in fact I am practically bubbling over with passion on this topic. But enough words for now. They can never fully explain.

I really love Coldplay's new music video of their song Up & Up. I could not sleep last night & randomly watched the video. It had me laughing from that 'I see what you did there' feeling, to crying halfway through because that feeling got too real. In my opinion, you can't live fully without at least a hint of madness. Life is maddeningly wondrous. You have to be mad enough to see the absurdity that is life.

& you need to be completely mad to learn about love & life. I've definitely gone bonkers. It was necessary to enable me to learn about loving others. Oh man, if you could only feel what I feel! To love without expectations, without clinging, or without even so much as a single want from another, except for that person's happiness & joy, as well as my own; it is one of the defining moments of my life. What we know as love is all about possessing, about giving & taking, about what I can get from this person; oh shit can you just leave all that BS behind?

All these experiences have been simmering within me for the past few weeks. & it is absofuckinglutely beautiful. Most of the time I just want to dance & laugh (not to mention eat, bahahahah!). So don't be surprised if we drive past each other & you see me either dancing or laughing alone!

Namaste; love & gratitude to you all, my lovelies. Writing this, my heart is bursting with love & joy. I am grateful for everything that was, everything that is, & everything that will be. I understand now what it means to be absolutely drunk on life. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Friday, May 13, 2016

Thank You.

Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

Thank you for the good times.

Thank you for the bad times.

Thank you for helping me realize how deeply I can love.

Thank you for showing me how it is like to be on the receiving end of unconditional love.

Thank you for being vulnerable.

Thank you for showing me my inner demons.

Thank you for being there for me.

Thank you for not being there for me.

Thank you for trying.

Thank you for being true to yourself.

Thank you for giving up on me.

Thank you for helping me realize the universal truth of life.

Thank you for helping me realize my true Self.

Friday, May 6, 2016

Boo-Bloody-Hoo, Toughen Up, Princess!

I posted this in Instagram a few days ago:

Thought of the day: are you able to pull through when your goals are far ahead of you & seemingly out of reach? Or do you discard them & reach for closer ones? The easy way out, the immediate gratification; these are the things that our generation has been conditioned to think are what we ‘deserve’. But are they?

Think about it – every day, we are bombarded with millions of advertisements which are competing for business, each trying to out-sell the other by touting themselves as the ‘better’ choice. Not only are they the better choice, we also ‘deserve’ to buy the best brand, which is theirs, obviously.

Add on to that the option of shopping in the comfort of your own home and quick delivery right to your doorstep, & voila!

Sure, all this is well & good, especially for those who are unable to leave their homes due to unavoidable circumstances. Yet, as with everything, there will always be undesirable side effects which can arise.

Immediate gratification. With everything within a click of a mouse or a tap on a screen, we are slowly being conditioned to get what we want/need immediately. I have noticed it with myself too, & probably you too, dear reader…remember the time your Internet connection went bust? Bahahahahah! Yes, even slow Internet connections piss us off, because we are so used to fast-loading websites, non-buffering videos in HD, etc.

& while all this may seem funny, gone unchecked in the long run, it can affect our lives in deeper ways.

For example. You want to go on holiday, but you don’t have the means to. You take up an extra job, work your ass off, scrooge on expenses...

One week passes.

Two weeks.

The little things about your job start to piss you off. You feel you have worked hard enough & deserve that t-shirt you saw on the way home from work. You start to think, ‘Why the fuck am I doing this? I am not living in the moment, I am attached to the future, I have everything I need, & everything will come to me at the right time, so why am I holding back?’

Quit your job, laze around all day, do the things you love doing (which has not been serving you in financial terms, else it would already be your day job). Keep the holiday dream at the back of your head, convincing yourself that things will fall into place when the time comes.

‘The Universe will provide.’

But it doesn’t.

Oh, boo-bloody-hoo.

Must suck to be you, huh?

I’m sorry but not sorry if I sound mean. I am tired of people who think that the easy life is just that: easy. Yes, it is; but probably not how you imagine it to be.

Ordinarily, a person accepts a situation when he feels helpless. That is impotent acceptance. That will not lead you anywhere. Impotence cannot lead you anywhere. A person accepts a situation when he feels hopeless – nothing can be done, so what to do? At least accept, to save face.
-Osho -

Just having positive thoughts isn’t always enough. Just manifesting, manifesting, manifesting, ain’t going to do jack shit. & playing the ‘acceptance’ card when things don’t go as you planned isn’t going to help either, as Osho beautifully explained.

Yes, I’m fairly new in the yoga teacher industry. & yes, I seem to be living it easy, going around enjoying life, travelling, etc. But that’s because you don’t see the BTS (Behind The Scenes) action that goes on.

I seldom hang out in commercial establishments, & also don’t hang out with friends that much, although I admit, I really should make more of an effort. I have things which interest me, like dancing, art, music, etc. But these things cost money too. & so I have to constantly question my priorities; to continue on the example given earlier: Are dance lessons or my holiday more important? How badly do I want to learn to play the drums? Can I afford to watch a movie in the cinema?

Of course, sometimes I do give in to the shorter goals in life. I'm not saying that long-term goals are the be-all-end-all of life. What I am trying to say here is that balance always needs to be struck between your long & short term goals. You can’t go gung-ho on one dream, then burn out & forgo the other.

Each time you feed into a short term goal - & I’m talking purely materialistically but this idea can also be applied to relationships, work, etc as we will see later; you are *that much* further away from your dream. You spend RM30 on a dress – you are RM30 further away from going on holiday. You don’t upgrade yourself in your work industry – you are that much further from that promotion.

& NO, start-ups, earning money online, etc will not give you immediate financial freedom or freedom to earn money from wherever the hell you are in the world. Everything takes time. Those people you see, they have already put in the necessary work a long time ago, & bear in mind they still have to maintain the upkeep of their business, even now. You need time to establish yourself as a brand, reach out to your desired audience, & gain enough following to quit that day job you claim you hate so much & live the life you want.

Back to the original question: Are you willing to pull through? Do you have what it takes to be patient, to work at that day job while at the same time slowly building up the things you love doing?

If you do, then good on you. If you don’t, then don’t come crying on my doorstep. Especially if you’ve been repeating the same thing again & again.

& don’t bitch me about how easy my life is, & how ‘things are different’ for you. Sorry, Tantricka mode completely off today...& loving it! Bahahahahah!

Toughen up, princess.