Why is love so painful?
Love is painful because it creates the way for bliss. Love is painful because it transforms, love is mutation. Each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. The old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown. You will be moving in an uncharted ocean. You cannot use your mind with the new; with the old, the mind is skillful. The mind can function only with the old; with the new, the mind is utterly useless.
Hence, fear arises. & leaving the old, comfortable, safe world, the world of convenience, pain arises. It is the same pain that the child feels when he comes out of the womb of the mother. It is the same pain that the bird feels when he comes out of the egg. It is the same pain that the bird feels when he will try for the first time to be on the wing. The fear of the unknown, & the security of the known, the insecurity of the unknown, makes one very much frightened.
& because the transformation is going to be from the self toward a state of no-self, agony is very deep. But you cannot have ecstasy without going through agony. If the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.
Love is fire.
- Osho -
The main reason I love Osho is because he perfectly puts into words what I have either been thinking all along, or have experienced, but could not express. Ya lah, what to do, yours truly here has writer's block more often than you would think!
Yes, we all have certain expectations of how life 'should' be. & when things start moving in a different direction, more often than not we start panicking, anxiety kicks in, & whatnot.
Me myself, yes, I have a shitload of attachment issues (among many other things!). Up until a few weeks ago the pain & fear would be so much that I would actually curl up on the floor sobbing. No joke! I had no appetite most of the time, & lost 3kgs. It was the lightest I've ever been since leaving school; I wasn't even that light when I was riding horses.
This was by far the greatest breakdown I've ever had. I am grateful for being exposed to various philosophies these past two years though. Collecting knowledge is not a bad thing, as it may come in handy in the future. Just be aware what kind of knowledge you are accumulating.
This time, I could distance myself from my emotions. I understood why I felt the way I did. At the same time the emotions were very real. I felt like I needed to reach out to someone, & I did sometimes, but most of the time I knew that it was something I needed to go through alone.
It was one of the toughest yet best decisions I've ever made.
I've never really talked about this to anyone, because I don't think many would understand. On hindsight, I myself have always understood, but because I never experienced, my understanding was shallow. How to perfectly explain 'watch your emotions, but don't get identified'? How to make someone see that I 'enjoyed my sadness & fear'??? I tried last week, but they looked at me baffled. Bahahahahah!
The simplest way I can put it is it's like that scene from the movie 127 Hours, where Aron Ralston has to amputate his own arm to survive (not sharing a link because I myself never dared to watch that gory scene!). Or that scene from The Matrix when Neo learnt the truth.
I saw freedom. I saw it, & I felt it. & fuck did it scare me.
The feeling of complete aloneness. The vastness of this existence. The feeling that 'Oh shit, nothing matters; everything I thought meant the world to me, does not matter. Nothing that is happening now matters. Nothing that is going to happen matters. Everything just...is.'
The feeling of utter abandonment. For the majority of my life, I've thought that I wasn't alone. There are people there for me. That we're all in this together. Well, true to a certain extent. But at the end of the day, life is a solo trip with a one way ticket.
Feelings of abandonment also came with the burning away of false conceptions of love. That possession, control & permanence are marks of 'true love'. The idea that someone must be a certain way, has to do certain things & not other things, in order for their love to be true.
The feelings of freedom. Oh yes. This freedom is scary. Again because I've always had something or another that I've always felt responsible for, or something or another that did not allow me to find my freedom. Something or another which I had to 'sacrifice' my search for my happiness, my freedom, my Self for. & once I saw the truth of this freedom from responsibility - the truth that I am not responsible for anyone/thing else other than myself; what a liberation! But fear comes because I wondered, 'What now?'
You see, we always say, 'I will do XYZ, once I am done doing ABC.' This is legit, sometimes; but at other times it is just an excuse, a form of avoidance. Truthfully, we humans are afraid of freedom. We are afraid of taking full responsibility for ourselves, even to the extent of pointing the finger at God, destiny, fate, etc. Bahahahahah! But look deeper into it: why do we do this?
Well, the simple answer is again, to avoid responsibility. If things don't go well, we can always blame something/body else. Come on, man; responsibility is a heavy burden, no doubt about that, but we are going on being responsible about the wrong things!
Dare you be responsible for yourself, your life, your happiness, your sadness? Dare you go against social convention, the teachings you have been taught throughout your life, the general consensus of what is 'right' & what is 'wrong', to listen to your own heart, to accept yourself in your totality? Dare you let go?
Enlightenment, spirituality, yoga, tantra, it all looks easy. But, as with everything else in life, they require commitment & a heckuva lot of courage. & once one has a glimpse into that space, it doesn't mean they stay there permanently without any effort. No, effort is a constant. & I am not perfect either, I am still working on myself, so please forgive me if I commit any blunders. But I really understand the quote 'I love the person I am, because I fought hard to become her'.
To my dear readers who are going through difficult times right now - have courage, dear friend. Much better things are close ahead, no matter how distant they may seem.
One of my theme songs of the week is Needtobreathe - Happiness.
One life - how you going to live it?
This life ain't going to come again. Heck, this moment is never going to come again, no matter how well we try to recreate it. & the moments are passing even as I am typing this, & you are reading. Live the life you love!