Well, a girl's got to take some time off for herself once in a while, right? ;)
This week's theme song is: Badlapur - Jeena Jeena. For the past week since I've been back, I've actually been listening to four much more upbeat songs, but only today been obsessed with this one since being introduced to it by a friend.
Some of you may already know that while I was AWOL, I was back in my 'hometown' of India. Actually, a few minutes ago I had already started writing about my experience there, but I decided fuck that shit, Imma write about what I feel right here right now, & save the travel stories for later.
I can't really put a finger on what I've been going through lately. Wait, actually, I can.
It's the ups & downs of 'not knowing'.
Just after leaving Rishikesh for Pune, I posted this in my social media:
After ten months, here I am again!
Although my beloved Rishikesh is not the same, & the Ganga is much more ferocious than when I first met her, I am learning a lot about myself this trip.
Sometimes you need to remove yourself from your usual environment to check in with yourself as to where you are in life. What is important to you? Who are the people who matter? Are you living the life you want? Are you living *at all*?
One question I always thought I knew the answer to is, 'What do you want to be?' I'm very glad to report that nowadays I'm very sure that I don't know what I want to be. It was a soft voice, but has grown loud & strong. 'I don't know.' It is one of the most beautiful statements in life.
I never would have imagined I would have this life. So how should I know what I want to be, what I should be? All I know is that the Universe has my back, & I'm excited to see what the future holds!
Hair drier, skin two tones darker, feet dirtier, sweaty & sticky in the monsoon weather; yet these are among the happiest days of my life. Words cannot even begin to express how I feel.
Ganga Maaya Ki Jai!
Most of the time, I'm gobsmacked at how my life has turned out. & it continues to stun me what the Universe has planned for me.
However, this 'not knowing' isn't always easy! The ego always wants that false sense of security, of being in control, of knowing not only the final destination but also the route, the possible detours, the weather forecast, ETA, yadda yadda yadda.
Then, 'not knowing' starts becoming a frightening thing.
'What am I going to do?'
'What about my plans?'
What do I want in life? This question has been making its rounds in my mind more & more since I've been back. Again, sometimes it is easy to say, 'I don't know'. But lately, it's been tough surrendering to the Universe.
This fear is all too familiar. Yet it is a unique & new experience in its own right. Throughout the day it goes from one end of the spectrum to the other. One minute my tears are tears of happiness & gratitude, the next they are of fear & sadness.
I don't know.
I am just observing these things, coming & going. Observing the emotions, observing my clinging to them, observing my letting go of them...
I don't always know what I want in life.
But I do know what I want from life.
I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to be around people who are roaring mad & have a zest for life. I want to experience life in its entirety. I want to be me, & not have to be apologetic nor ashamed about it.
It would be nice to have someone special to share the journey with. But it is equally wonderful to have the freedom of not being answerable to anyone.
Feck, I don't know. I don't know a shit about anything. Yet I know a few things. That must count for something, right?