Not Knowing Is The Most Beautiful & Frightening Thing.

Yasss, I know, dear friends; I went AWOL for the past two weeks!

Well, a girl's got to take some time off for herself once in a while, right? ;)

This week's theme song is: Badlapur - Jeena Jeena. For the past week since I've been back, I've actually been listening to four much more upbeat songs, but only today been obsessed with this one since being introduced to it by a friend.

Some of you may already know that while I was AWOL, I was back in my 'hometown' of India. Actually, a few minutes ago I had already started writing about my experience there, but I decided fuck that shit, Imma write about what I feel right here right now, & save the travel stories for later.

I can't really put a finger on what I've been going through lately. Wait, actually, I can.

It's the ups & downs of 'not knowing'.

Just after leaving Rishikesh for Pune, I posted this in my social media:

After ten months, here I am again!

Although my beloved Rishikesh is not the same, & the Ganga is much more ferocious than when I first met her, I am learning a lot about myself this trip.

Sometimes you need to remove yourself from your usual environment to check in with yourself as to where you are in life. What is important to you? Who are the people who matter? Are you living the life you want? Are you living *at all*?

One question I always thought I knew the answer to is, 'What do you want to be?' I'm very glad to report that nowadays I'm very sure that I don't know what I want to be. It was a soft voice, but has grown loud & strong. 'I don't know.' It is one of the most beautiful statements in life.

I never would have imagined I would have this life. So how should I know what I want to be, what I should be? All I know is that the Universe has my back, & I'm excited to see what the future holds!

Hair drier, skin two tones darker, feet dirtier, sweaty & sticky in the monsoon weather; yet these are among the happiest days of my life. Words cannot even begin to express how I feel.

Ganga Maaya Ki Jai!

Most of the time, I'm gobsmacked at how my life has turned out. & it continues to stun me what the Universe has planned for me.

However, this 'not knowing' isn't always easy! The ego always wants that false sense of security, of being in control, of knowing not only the final destination but also the route, the possible detours, the weather forecast, ETA, yadda yadda yadda.

Then, 'not knowing' starts becoming a frightening thing.

'What am I going to do?'

'What about my plans?'

'How?'

'Where?'

'When?'

'Who?'

What do I want in life? This question has been making its rounds in my mind more & more since I've been back. Again, sometimes it is easy to say, 'I don't know'. But lately, it's been tough surrendering to the Universe.

This fear is all too familiar. Yet it is a unique & new experience in its own right. Throughout the day it goes from one end of the spectrum to the other. One minute my tears are tears of happiness & gratitude, the next they are of fear & sadness.

I don't know.

I am just observing these things, coming & going. Observing the emotions, observing my clinging to them, observing my letting go of them...

I don't always know what I want in life.

But I do know what I want from life.

I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to be around people who are roaring mad & have a zest for life. I want to experience life in its entirety. I want to be me, & not have to be apologetic nor ashamed about it.

It would be nice to have someone special to share the journey with. But it is equally wonderful to have the freedom of not being answerable to anyone.

Feck, I don't know. I don't know a shit about anything. Yet I know a few things. That must count for something, right?

Show Me How Badly You Want It.

Today's theme is a blast from the past: 3 Doors Down - If I Could Be Like That.

Do you ever feel like you're running out of time?

That sense of urgency that there is so much more from life you want to experience, & you may not be able to do it all in this life?

Well, I posed this question to my Facebook friends a few weeks ago. & these are their replies:
Yes, all the time.
Every day.
Don't think about it, it will scare the daylights out of you.
Yes.
I don't understand the concept of time. (Bloody good one, if you ask me! Hahahahah!)
Ya...always every day every hour every minute every second.
Yes...but in difficult times it ticks real slow.
Only when I fish at a pay pond. (LMAO best one!)

So it seems that the general consensus is that yes, most of us are experiencing this sense of urgency. But how many of us are really living the life we want to? How many of us are actually doing something about that bucket list?

How often I hear people say they hate their day jobs, yet they've been at it for yonks, not taking any initiative to make a career change. Some people hate their jobs but at least they are actively pursuing the things they love in their free time, that is very commendable, because it is easy to fall into the whole 9 - 5 routine & create all sorts of excuses as to why they don't have the time/energy.

I guess it's sometimes a matter of priorities as well. For example, maybe you really need that day job to pay the bills (fucking hell, real talk right there). One can bitch & moan about how money is the root of all evil, today's society is materialistic, the monetary system is a biatch, yadda yadda yadda; yet the truth is: we need money. So if your day job pays helluva good, & you're willing to put up with it to fund your dreams, then by all means, go for it!

The burning question is: how badly do you want it?

Yes, I think this is the question.

The more deeply we feel about something, the more passionate we are, the more likely we will be to take action. It's this feeling that cannot be explained, a big fire raging within that you just have to go get it, no matter what.

Whatever it is, go get it.

No more excuses.

No more waiting for the right time. There is no such thing as the 'right' time. The right time is now.

No more waiting for the right person. (*rolls eyeballs) You are the right person for yourself & you are your own life partner.

No more procrastinating. No more excuses. Take the first step towards what you want in life. The first step is always the hardest, they say. But it is well worth it.

You never know when will be your last day. Live more. Love fully. Take risks & be silly one too many times (just don't jump in front of a train or play in traffic). Laugh. Forgive. Love.

Now is the time to stop giving a rat's ass about what others think. All that matters is what you think about you. This life is for the living. Your life is for your living, not anyone else's.

Do you. Live the life you love; love the life you live.

Every moment, cut the past & the future. Your past does not define you, don't allow it to hold you back from enjoying the present moment. The future is yet to come, take steps towards it but again don't let worry distract you from the now.

Now. Now is all that matters. What are you going to do today? & by the way, when was the last time you did something new?

You got this. Go live your life!

Shampoo & Relationship Revelations.

Today's eargasm: Armaan Malik - Bol Do Na Zara. I came across this song by chance when SoundCloud automatically started playing it after an Osho talk I was listening to (listen to this chap's beautiful version here). Although I don't understand the language, the music & vibe itself was so beautiful. Love it!

This morning I was having a shower, again mentally condemning the latest shampoo I am using. Since switching to this shampoo, my scalp gets oily very fast. & I've been counting the days to when I can get a new bottle of shampoo.

But today, something clicked within me. There was a voice inside which asked, 'Why you condemn the shampoo woh? Just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean it is not working for someone else!'

Bloody hell! Can you say, revelation???

Why are we always quick to condemn something when it doesn't benefit us or doesn't live up to our expectations? Instead of saying, 'This brand of shampoo is fucking useless', I could have said, 'This brand of shampoo doesn't suit me.' Right?

Similarly, in our relationships with others, if the other behaves in a way that we don't like, we are quick to pass negative judgement. Especially in our intimate relationships. & yes dear readers, when I talk about relationships, it doesn't only apply to romantic relationships but also family & friends.

Think about it - when was the last time someone close to you behaved in a way which was against your belief system? Or to hit harder - how did you feel when your romantic interest rejected you?

Just because a relationship doesn't work anymore, doesn't mean that it was shit in the first place. On the contrary, I've come to learn that yes, people outgrow each other. & that isn't a bad thing. In fact, one of my favourite phrases is 'life begins after divorce'. Yep, I'm not exactly the best person to seek common relationship advice from! Bahahahah!

But it is the truth though; why to stay in a situation where both are unhappy - I look at you & I feel shitty inside, so I give you shit; you look at me & you are not happy & you give me shit...try to imagine that in its literal sense, with shit all around the room. Who needs a fan when you can throw your own shit around! :P :P :P

The only constant in life is change. This includes people & relationships too. To be able to let go of people & things with love - aha, now that's the challenge! Especially in romantic relationships; heck, even it's a very big challenge for me, sometimes I get very worked up about past grievances, but what to do? It is just another aspect of myself which needs work.

But do you see the irony though? We don't vibe with that person anymore, then we start condemning & finding fault with that person, the one who we previously held so dear to our hearts. Is love such a wavering thing? Is it so dependent on the other?

Well, I have dug deep & found that condemnation first takes root because my ego has been hurt. Ego always thinks 'me me me'. When the other doesn't prioritize us, the ego becomes indignant & fights to maintain its false sense of security, either by creating arguments with the other in an attempt to get them to behave the way we want them to, or by condemning. Make sense?

When people don't fit into our idea we have of them, in our minds we automatically label these people as 'wrongdoers'. But how you know you're not the wrongdoer in someone else's eyes? Anyho, what is wrong & what is right? & who are we all to judge each other?

Just love each other. Love is friendship set on fire. But don't allow that fire to burn the whole bloody house down. Because when 'love' comes into the picture, usually possession starts to take place too. & we try to tame the free, wild being that we fell in love with. Dafuq? Bahahahahah!

To love someone is to allow them the freedom to be completely themselves, whether it suits you or not, whether it hurts your goddamn ego or not. Your ego is your own problem, don't give shit to someone else just because you can't control your own ego! ;)

Close your eyes - remove your preconceptions, your ideas & expectations of each other; & see with your heart.

(Does anyone know who the artist of this beautiful piece is? Please let me know if you do, so I can credit it to him/her.)

Have a great weekend, errbodeh! :*

Another eargasmic song which has been in my playlist these past few weeks: Mumford & Sons, Baaba Maal - There Will Be A Time. Enjoy! <3

An Introvert's Perfect Idea of Galavanting.

Hold up! So it turns out the introvert in me is still strong!

Well, last Saturday I sibuk babi (busy body) went & invited myself to accompany a friend during his marathon training session (because that's what all the cool people do on Saturday nights, impose their presence onto others' personal space, bahahahah!). So my job was basically to sit around most of the time. Naise! :D

I'd forgotten how nice it is to be outdoors, especially at night. & when I say 'outdoors', I don't mean outdoors as in when you go al fresco dining! The last time I'd enjoyed being outdoors without a care in the world was...2 years ago in King's Park, Perth. Man, I have much love for the Aussies; they know how to enjoy the outdoors! I spent the whole of my day off lying on the grass in the sun, listening to music; bahahahahah!

Well this place I recently went to was basically a small running track around a football field. & there were not many people too. Save for the noise from a distant cheerleading session, & a group of guys playing football, the whole scene was relatively quiet. & left to my own devices for the next few hours, with nowhere to go, no commitments, no nothing; homaigot, can you say Introvert Heaven???

One of the greatest joys in life is one we sometimes take for granted - the freedom to move around freely. Well, for those of you who do not relate with this statement, there are women in some parts of the world who have to adhere to strict rules of conduct - from what they wear up to who they socialize with & where they go. Basically they do not really have much say in their life choices.

& here I was, wearing & doing what I want, without a care in the world except randomly wondering if I had missed something by not going to university (answer: nope!). Safety is definitely a concern for me most of the time, so I really loved that for once I did not have to worry about taking care of my stuff, whether there's anyone stalking me, & all that kind of shit.

Although it's been bloody stinking hot in KL the past week, it was quite cool once I had settled down in our spot. Every once in a while there would be a very gentle breeze, the kind which youare  only really aware of when you're on holiday by the beach or something, else the busyness of life gets in the way & drags your attention somewhere else.

The breeze brought life to the things around - namely the plant vines & the huge flags above me. Reminded me of the movie Hector & The Search For Happiness, particularly the scene around 1:00:23. Dear reader, you will have to watch it to understand what I am talking about!

I guess you could say it's like getting high without drugs. Every movement, every sound, every sensation gets multiplied. I was literally just watching; the people & how they move, the sky & how pitch black it was, the brightness of the stars drowned out by the floodlights.

Earlier in the day I had compiled a new playlist, so add eargasm on top of everything else & *boom* - Samadhi (bliss).

*Thank you, Baul guruji, for teaching me how to really enjoy the music*

(Image source: Pinterest)

This comic toootally describes me, bahahahahah...I think sometimes introverts make people worried because we look pissed off, unhappy, sad, etc when the truth is, we're perfectly happy just being quiet. Heck, if I get comfortable enough with you, it can sometimes be tough to even talk. Trust me, it's not a bad thing, in fact it's a very good thing.

You see, sometimes words fuck everything up. The value of a moment, the depth of emotion, the profoundness of a situation - at times there can be no words to truly describe them. & in fact, words do a disservice to them.

One of my Facebook pages is named Svadhyaya Yoga, Svadhyaya meaning Self-Study. I've loved this word & concept since I first came to know about it. It is definitely important to know yourself & understand yourself first before you can even attempt to extend the same to others. & some quiet alone time definitely helps with this. Although of late, I've noticed that I've stopped questioning myself a lot. Well, I've always been an over-thinker from childhood, everything I feel very strongly about & the mind keeps going on & on. But now it's like, okey oh, whatever loh...everything is a-okey loh...bahahahahah...perhaps you could say that I'm more easygoing nowadays. So, just sit down, music comes, music goes; just enjoy; that is one of the greatest gifts in life. Heck, everything is the greatest gift if you only knew how to appreciate! It doesn't only have to be materialistic, or something which you can hold in your hand, or even keep forever. In fact, something which is fleeting can be more valuable!

Tantra is not a philosophy, Tantra is absolutely existential. And remember, when I say that Tantra is existential, I don't mean the existentialism of Sartre, Camus, Marcel, and others. That existentialism is again a philosophy, a philosophy of existence, but not the Tantra way. And the difference is vast. 

 

"The existential philosophers in the West have only stumbled upon the negative: anguish, angst, depression, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, meaninglessness, purposelessness – all the negatives. Tantra has stumbled upon all that is beautiful, joyful, blissful. Tantra says: Existence is an orgasm, an eternal orgasm going on and on and on. It is forever and forever an orgasm, an ecstasy.

 

"They must be moving in different directions. Sartre goes on thinking about existence. Tantra says: Thinking is not the door. It leads nowhere, it is a blind alley; it brings you only to a cul-de-sac. Philosophy is great – if you are just fooling around, then philosophy is great; you can make mountains out of molehills and you can enjoy the trip... 

 

"Philosophy has proved to be the most futile of efforts…but still man continues, knowing perfectly well that it never delivers anything. Why? It goes on promising, but never delivers anything. Then why does man continue with this effort? It is cheap. It does not require any involvement, it is not a commitment. You can sit in your chair and go on thinking. It is a dream. It does not require that you should change in order to see reality.

 

"That's where courage is needed, adventurous courage is needed. To know the truth, you are moving into the greatest adventure there is. You may be lost, who knows? You may never come back, who knows? Or you may come back utterly changed, and who knows whether it will be for the good or not?"

- Osho, Tantric Transformation -

Since that night, something has clicked within me. I've been creating art for the past few week, mostly abstract acrylics. To check out my work, & other shenanigans, go to my Instagram account @eeleeong.

Funny how something which seems uneventful, a seemingly small matter, can trigger such a huge change. Life never ceases to surprise me. Heck, I keep surprising myself. WTF man.

Grateful for every twist & turn in this plot. What's next? Who the hell knows.

P.S: New word introduced by ma betches - 'galavanting'. Like, dafuq! Hahahahahah! Love dem psycho betches..!

Want To Be Friends With Benefits?

Today's obsession: Rachel Platten - Better Place.

It's long holidays for us Malaysians now, & much to my introverted horror, I found myself actively seeking human companionship to fill up the days.

Holy cow! I know, right!!!

Usually, I would have no qualms about staying home alone without any plans. But somehow, this time the thought bored me & even made me slightly anxious too. Am I turning into a bloody extrovert??? *horror face*

Not that I have anything against extroverts. Either I'm becoming one of them, or I am seriously avoiding myself & my inner shit.

Meh. Anyways. It got me thinking, 'why?'

What was it that changed?

Well, for one, I've come to love connecting with people who are passionate about life, & what they are interested in. In other words, the 'juicy' people. Read more about what makes a person 'juicy' in my previous post: Anything Less Than 'Juicy' Just Will Not Do!

But that's besides today's point.

I've recently met many people who are passionate about different things. & I absofuckinglutely love watching & listening to them talk about their passions in life. Hooo, boy; I could live for those moments! The way their eyes light up, their smiles become brighter, their gestures more animated or expressive - to me, that is one of the most beautiful things in life.

Friends with benefits - it ain't always limited to benefits in the sexual sense. You nasty peoples, you! Hahahahah! Get out of your caveman/woman thinking & share your passions for life once in a while, for God's sake!

In the past year, I made it a point to compliment people. As a noob yoga teacher, I was always worried what others would think about me. & of course, I got my fair share of critics too. It was a very difficult thing to learn to do, accept criticism, which could be pretty damn harsh at times. & more often than not, people will not hesitate to voice out their disapproval or dissatisfaction.

& although I acknowledge that it is these critics who helped me improve myself, those who made an effort to actually approach me with good feedback were the ones who positively encouraged me along my way.

Think about it. Just say for example in a restaurant, how often do customers complain about the food, & how often do they send their compliments to the chef? Usually, if the food is good, they'd probably just comment on it amongst themselves, nod in agreement, & that's that.

Somehow, we don't find it necessary to give praise, but seldom hesitate to condemn others.

I have found that people find it hard to give & receive compliments. Heck, I myself got a surprise just yesterday when my dinner victim partner of the day suddenly said that my dress looked nice on me, plus a bunch of other sweet things. On hindsight, I noticed that I couldn't just say, 'thank you'. Instead I went on autopilot & went on & on about how it's a new dress & sales & blah blah blah. Like, dafuq, why would I even do that!

Similarly, most of the time, the same goes for the other party when I tell them the things I find positive about them. They either try to downplay these qualities or outright reject them.

I kind of understand now, why men dislike women whining about how they look, when to the men, they look perfectly great!

It can be annoying when someone refuses to or can't acknowledge their own beauty, be it physical or internal. I guess, in a way it makes me feel like the other person is doubting my sense of judgement. Like, if I say, 'you're awesome', & they give a whole bunch of reasons why they aren't, somewhere deep within me says, 'why don't you trust my judgement on what is awesome & what is not awesome?'

One of my favourite quotes by Hafiz:

This quote toootally encompasses how I feel sometimes. It's like, dude, you're so awesome, how do I make you see yourself through my eyes, so you can see & appreciate your own awesomeness?

The one thing that hasn't changed about me is that I still enjoy listening more than talking. I don't mind mostly nodding frantically, laughing to the other's jokes or just chipping into the conversation every once in a while. However, after talking for some time, the other sometimes apologizes for being overly enthusiastic about their interests. Homaigot, WHYYY.

These are the rules for us being friends with benefits:

1. Please don't apologize for talking at length about your passions. Although I may not share the same interests as you, I thoroughly enjoy learning a little about them & why they make you happy. If it matters to you, it matters to me too.

2. Please don't play small when I point out a positive quality in you. It is this quality that inspires & motivates me to better myself in that same aspect. Again, just being completely immersed in whatever makes you happy is more than enough to make me feel excited too. Maybe not necessarily in exactly the same way though; for example if you love tennis & are training hard to improve your game, you are inspiring me to step up my yoga game. Main theme: fitness. Get it? The energy behind your passion is thoroughly contagious; & this is one virus I wouldn't mind catching, bahahahahah!

3. After you've gotten yours, return the favour! ;) (Sorry, just couldn't resist, bahahahahah!)

Also, remember to spread the love! We all need a little bit of encouragement every once in a while. It could even be a random compliment to a stranger. But what I mean is, see the beauty in another, but also make an effort to tell them about it. I know, it sounds bloody scary! What if the other thinks you're a freak or some shiz...hahahah...but trust me, the risk of being vulnerable is worth it. A tiny gesture can sometimes make a person's day.

The world has enough haters. She needs more lovers of all sorts. Spread the happy loving vibes, & let's be friends with benefits! ;)

Presence > Presents.

Be present.

What does being present mean to you?

Does it mean focusing on what is in front of you, at any given moment?

But what if your heart is not in it?

Example. If your partner leaves the country for a few months, does your missing them & making an effort to create time for them via technology mean you are not living in the present moment? What then? Is it worth repressing these feelings to conform to your idea of 'being present'? Is being present only limited to the physical world?

I've always been one to express, even to a fault. But I still believe that it will always be a matter of priorities.

Being present in the moment, to me, means constantly asking myself, 'What do I want to do right now?', 'What does my heart say at this very moment?', AND keeping at the back of my mind the fact that whatever I choose to do now will carry with them consequences in the future.

So if you choose to concentrate on what's in front of you while your partner is out of town, don't be surprised if they return a different person, or do not return at all! :P

However, we're not going to concentrate on others, we're just going to limit the scope to ourselves. So it's not really a matter of 'oh if the other leaves, then he/she never really loved me in the first place'; you chose your actions, your partner's actions are just a by-product of those choices!

As humans there has been so much social conditioning going on, sometimes we even become blind to ourselves. Just because the guru says something, we go to great lengths trying to live according to their teaching, even when deep down we know that it is not our truth. Even if a particular teaching is the whole truth & nothing but the truth, to me it is tom-foolery to forgo my own truth which I am experiencing at my current level of consciousness.

'Should not', this can a very dangerous phrase to use. Because it implies that one is going against what one truly desires. Now I'm not saying that one should say, 'I should not rip this person's eyeballs out & fry them over a nice BBQ fire', & then feel bad for using the phrase 'should not' because they truly desire to rip that person's eyeballs out & fry them over a nice BBQ fire; but you know what I mean, don't you?

'I should not be feeling this way.'

I think this is one of the most dangerous 'should nots' around. Hahahahah..! By saying 'should not', we are not giving ourselves permission to feel a certain way. Especially when it comes to love. & then we go to great lengths trying to suppress this feeling - for what?

At the same time, like I said it is also a matter of priorities. Where is your heart more invested? At the end of the day, these are the only things that matter. Because you have no control over the actions of others, only of your own. & only you will have to live with the consequences of your actions. Even if for example in movies there's this guy who jumps off a bridge & his partner spends the rest of her life mourning his death, it's her bloody choice to mourn, she's not at all obligated by some God-force to live miserably!

Again, in choosing your priorities, do not be afraid of the consequences. You will always have to let go of something in order to gain something else. & I do believe it is sometimes possible to have your cake & eat it, but only in certain situations.

One can go on creating excuses & stirring up problems that never existed, in order to escape their true feelings. Maybe it is because of the fear of losing something else that they consider more important to them. Maybe it is the fear of the strength of that feeling itself.

The Forgotten Asana - IDGAFasana.

Today's topic has become very close to my heart as of the past few months. Feck, a whole lot of shit has gotten close to my heart these past few months. Well, that's just what happens when you emerge from the fire.

I absolutely love this video by Matthew Hussey - 2 Ways To Instantly Feel More Confident In Your Body.

Especially the concept of 'finding yourself in your category type'.

I think it's just human nature to always want the things we don't/can't have. A person with small eyes will want big doe-like eyes. Girls with small boobs (ahem) want bigger ones. Those with bigger ones want smaller ones (well, not most of the time, but still happens!).

Have you noticed that society has conditioned us to worship certain physical aspects, & condemn others? Or do you think it's an inbuilt trait that we are just born with?

I found this social experiment interesting: Doll Test.
But some of the kid's responses made me very sad.

Somewhere along the line, these kids picked up ideas on what is beautiful & what is ugly. All well & good, because without dualities, life will cease to exist. But when they identify themselves with 'ugly', now that I have a problem with.

Why can't we celebrate our own unique individualities? Why do we have to conform to some grand, ultimate idea of what beauty is?

Growing up, I've always been underweight. However, the first thing I remember disliking about my body was my thighs. I always thought they were large & flabby. Then I started wanting bigger boobs. Smaller ears. Bigger eyes. Fuller lips. Perfect toes. Even a different voice (still do, sometimes)!

Dafuq!?!

Yes, I've had my fair share of BS too, dear friends. Maybe it's just a rite of passage that we all have to go through.

Yoga really helped me reconnect & love my body. It was like, 'my body can do all these things, wow'!

& when I started teaching yoga, it was like, 'all these bodies can do all these things, wow'!

& when I started teaching yoga, I also realized that regardless of what my voice sounds like, people will still like me.

& those who don't, well; meh. Their loss.

Bahahahahah!

Everybody has their own strengths & weaknesses. One can do the splits within 2.1 seconds of entering class, the other can hold a handstand forever, yet another one can flip over backwards & grab hold of their ankles...who gives a shit whose butt is big, whose legs are chubby, whose arms are flabby???

We are all better/weaker than each other, in one way or another.

Imagine how bloody boring it would be, if we all had the same strengths & weaknesses!

The contestants for Miss Korea 2013.

(http://www.getrealphilippines.com/blog/2013/04/miss-korea-2013-have-koreans-flipped-on-plastic-surgery/)

I hope we all revel in our own beauty. Like, 'yes, that person is beautiful, but fuck that shit, I'm beautiful too!'

We have to own who we are, regardless of what others think of us. Truly, what is essential is how we see ourselves. & like I was saying in my last post, Anything Less Than Juicy Just Will Not Do!: when you are happy, when you are celebrating life, everything else falls into place. Regardless of if you are what society thinks is sexy, beautiful, attractive, & whatnot. (...) A person is juicy when they are totally in their own unique individual element.

Life will always find ways to bog you down. You have to love yourself enough to know where & when to draw the line. Yes, selfishness is not a bad thing, people. In fact, it is a very good thing.

I always allowed others to determine my beauty. I always relinquished my self-worth to the hands of others. Worse still, to others who didn't have their own shit together in the first place. From the beginning of the year up to last month, my weight dropped to 46kgs. I've never been that light since I can remember; maybe during my horse-riding years, but that has been more than 10 years ago! Needless to say, I was able to fit into many old clothes. There was a mixture of responses from people - some were amazed & wanted to know my secret; a few didn't like it.

During that time, I recorded a few yoga videos with Deep for Yoga Samiti, & I only saw them for the first time earlier this week. I looked like a stick. Good for advertising, but what is the use if one is not happy on the inside?

You see, dear friends; I allowed others to determine my feelings. I allowed myself to be manipulated. I gave someone else the responsibility of taking care of me, my emotions, my well-being.

& a heckuva lot of good that did me!

Not to worry though, I've been enjoying life for around one months now & have returned to my usual weight of 50kgs, to the dismay of my old clothes. All the more reason to buy new ones??? Bahahahahahah!

Never place your life in the hands of others. Not even the ones who claim to love you the most. In fact, it is those who think they know what is best for you who have more potential of causing harm! Because in the first place how do they know what is good & what is bad for you?

You always have to decide for yourself. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you, regardless of how your decision will affect others.

Yes, I wear spectacles; so what? If your idea of spirituality is a person who has perfect eyesight, then you have a problem, mate.

Yes, I have a big sweet tooth, so what?

Yes, I have a strange accent, so what?

One of the best ways to end any conflict is with 'so what?' Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, I respect that person's opinion, & I accept myself as I am, so...so what? Why to argue? I fought to be the person I am today, & I'll be damned if

Dear friends. Dear beloveds who are reading this. Please know that the people who truly love & appreciate you will be able to see beneath the surface, to the soul which resides within you. They will never be sidelined by superficialities. & the ones try to bring you down for being different, for being you, don't belong in your life.

Be you, always.

The good thing about being your authentic self is the wrong people will exit your life, & the right people will enter.

That, & you'll live one bloody happy life.

Anything Less Than 'Juicy' Just Will Not Do!

Today's music: Karunesh - Call of the Mystic (Beautiful Relaxation Music).

Last weekend, I attended my very first (or what I thought was my very first) Tantra workshop.

Well, correction. To be fair, it wasn't marketed as a Tantra workshop, in the whole event description there was only one mention of the word Tantra (& even then that was just the teacher's bio, bahahahah!), & yours truly here got over-excited, LMAO...

What really caught my attention was the opportunity to get in touch with my inner feminine. It was a ladies-only event, & I'd never participated in a ladies-only event like this before.

So...what is my take on the whole experience?

To put it bluntly, I was sorely disappointed. Literally potong stim to the max.

What I really liked was the circle of trust that was built amongst us ladies, even if it was just for that short time. I feel that we women have been taught to compete against each other, to compete in physical appearances, work, to compete for the other sex even! Which to me is just plain BS.

A few weeks back, I joined an online retreat by Sofia Sundari & Samiel Carolina entitled From Ice Queen To Priestess. In it, Samiel told a story of how in the olden days, women used to 'sit around the fire'. Around this fire, they shared their joys & sorrows, trials & tribulations. They supported & nurtured each other. But today, the fire has been lost.

I can attest to this, as I was never one to revel in female company. I've always felt more at home in the company of males. To me, females were just bitchy, self-centered, gossipy beings with some ulterior motive or another.

But of course that isn't always true, as I have come to learn in the recent years.

Back to the workshop.

I really appreciated the opportunity to be in the presence of divine female company, all gathered with the same intention, each holding space for the other.

What was lacking was in no way the fault of the teacher or anything else, but my my own. 'Expectation, the root of all heartache'. Got that right, Shakespeare!

After the workshop, I realized that this isn't the kind of Tantra I am interested in. I don't want to learn how to be sexy, sensual, etc. just to get a man's attention! Homaigot, this struck me like a hammer to the head later that day! I mean, male attention is definitely a plus point, but to me, what I want to learn & experience is the love affair with life (read more in my previous post I Am Tantrika, Hear Me Roar).

You see my self-inflicted predicament, dear friends?

The practice was the same, but the intention was different.

Yes, I want to dance with reckless abandon.
Yes, I want to experience the divine sisterhood.
Yes, I want to celebrate myself.

But I do not want to do all these just to get the attention of the opposite sex.

I am doing it for me.

& what I also realized is that I've been actually attending Tantra sessions for quite some time now! Like during Yoga Teacher Training in Rishikesh, when my fellow coursemates & I would join the Baul mystics almost every night to sing & play music. Make no mistake, there was no sex involved, but the intimacy that we shared during those moments of time; few words spoken, but our souls mingled in the music, in the sounds...homaigot..!

It was a real pity that I could not understand their language, else it would have been more beautiful to understand the lyrics as they were singing. But then again, sometimes words devalue the moment.

& there was no intention there other than to be happy, completely immerse yourself into the music & song, & enjoy!

Truly, a mystic is a mystic. According to him, there is no need for yoga, no need for anything. Just sing & be happy. Just. Live.

Hari Bol!

It's true. When you are happy, when you are celebrating life; everything else falls in place. Regardless if you are what society thinks is sexy, beautiful, attractive, & whatnot. To create your own bliss, with or without someone with you.

Because, well, fuck that shit, man!

Do you have the guts to be you, in your totality? Regardless of what you have been told, regardless of the consequences, regardless of what is at stake?

So yeah, I was potong stim-ed, but tickled as well.

Because every time something like this happens, one of the first things that immediately comes to mind is the phrase, 'Damn you, bastard!' LMAO!

Because it is this one person who brought all this into my life. That person is probably reading this right now, bahahahahah!

& when I say, 'Damn you, bastard,' I say it with complete love. Yes, a bit of annoyance too, but with a while lotta love.

Because this really is a big problem!!!

Once you have tasted that joy, the 'juiciness', the flavour of life; you will never settle for anything less than that. Not within yourself, not within others.

Once you have experienced that raw energy & happiness in others, nothing else will do. Not even a hot body, not money, not status. Hell, I was just a few minutes ago watching this video of this year's Mr. World contestents; they were supposed to dance & come up front when their country was called........meh. No flavour. Six pack, good bod, nice features; but no enjoyment in their energy. They all came across as fake to me. They were all doing it for fame, for recognition. (Well, what do you expect, Ee Lee, it's the Mr. World competition, like, hel-lo?)

I digress.

A person is juicy when they are totally in their own unique individual element. A quiet person can be juicy. Someone who loves to attend raves can be juicy. A computer geek can be juicy. What is it you love to do? Go do that & you'll be a helluva juicy person in my books!

However, as with any spiritual practice, there is a catch!

The challenge of a Tantrika is the total opposite of a masochist - to not get attached to this bliss. :P

But at the same time, to place yourself in anything less than a juicy, blissful situation is not worthwhile!

There is a Tantrika in all of us; are you ready to let yours come out & play? ;)