So much to write, so little time! The trouble with being a writer is, there are times when the creative juices are running wild like an unbridled mustang, but there are other times when that damn mustang just won't go forward because he spotted an extra blade of grass on the trail! Horse people, you know what I mean! :P
The minute I feel passionate about a topic, I just have to get it out of my system, otherwise it simply escapes me. & I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing that my writing is so dependent on my passion towards something. If I am even the slightest bit indifferent about it, I find it very difficult to write about it.
So there were quite a few which escaped me today. But I thought I'd take some time to write about one which I have been feeling very strongly about the past few days.
Although I attended a 10 day Vipassana course earlier this year, I never fully appreciated the practical aspect of the technique. I acknowledged that it is a very high form of meditation, & the most direct, straightforward way to enlightenment, or rather, towards the realization of the impermanence of everything. But it was always too difficult for me. I would either fall asleep in my room or allow my mind to wander off in the meditation hall. 'Bad meditator! *slap on the wrist!*' Bahahahahah!
Only during these past few weeks have I come to fully realize just how much of information that was passed onto me during those 10 days had subconsciouly sunk into me.
Not sure if I've mentioned it before or not, but there was a time in my life where I forgot myself - I allowed the actions of others to control my thoughts & feelings. I allowed myself to be beaten down to the ground, to the extent that even after months of cutting off ties with that person, I couldn't really take a compliment while believing it deep in my heart, much less look at myself in the mirror for more than a few seconds.
Many of you would have read/heard this story many times. I don't mean to dwell upon this period of time. My point is to let others who are going through tough times know that there is a way out & that they are not alone in their struggle.
But that's besides the topic.
To realize that the very nature of life is based on the fact that everything is impermanent - every second, each cell in your body is changing without you even realizing it - & you want to get back one particular moment that happened x months ago??? Is that pure madness or what?
Whether I like it or not, impermanence is being shoved in my face, sometimes violently. The last time I was this shaken, I completely lost it. There were moments when I did not want to live anymore. Some people turn to external substances to escape from reality. Me, I turned to alcohol to avoid going numb. Somehow, to have some sort of feeling within me, even if it was negative, was much more preferable than not feeling anything.
It was a difficult time. Yet I learned so much from it.
& so it is now.
As Osho said, 'You create your problems.' Even that which we consider to be a problem at that time, is actually not a problem; it is an experience which is teaching & benefiting us.
To many, the yogi is a crazy little fella - he does whatever the hell he feels like doing, however he feels like doing it. The even crazier thing about the bugger is, he sometimes willingly puts himself in situations which test his inner state.
Not that I'm that type of yogi yet, hahahahahah but I am happy to say that I have built up enough awareness to pull myself out of my own shithole. Although I speak about things in a light manner, things are not always all fun & games. There are times when I question, curse & get upset. The only difference between now & then is that I can get out of that shithole much faster.
You only have one life - so many beautiful things around you; so many miracles happening without you needing to do anything; so many things you have, that someone else would kill for; so many blessings which someone else has never even imagined of even wishing for; & you want to get upset & stay in your shithole because of something someone said/did to you? Because of something which was beyond your control happened? You going to give up on enjoying all these other things just because of one shitty thing that happened? :P :P :P
When I think back on my past self, sometimes I tear up, but mostly I laugh. :P
What use is there in being upset about something that I have no control over? No matter how much I want things to go according to my liking, sometimes it will never happen! & the ironic thing is, who knows what the hell will happen in the future? Just because I don't get what I want now, doesn't mean I won't get it in the future! & even if I don't get it in the future, what can I do about it now? Hahahahah!
All there is, is Now.
No use lamenting for the past, whether it be things that could have done differently, or situations where a stroke of bad luck changed everything.
But there is a catch to this though. Sometimes people hide behind philosophies (Ooops, guilty as charged, bahahahah!).
To recognize the truth of impermanence does not remove one's obligation from fully living his/her truth. It does not mean that one can just relax 110%. Even though people often liken surrendering to the universe with being a baby in the womb; if we want to get really literal about the whole thing, just bear in mind that that the cells in that baby's body had to keep working in order for him to grow. He had to have the soul of a fighter to want to continue living, even though he was fully protected, fully provided for. Get the idea? Even a jellyfish is fully surrendered to the motions of the ocean, yet there is, to the best of its capability, that desire to live to its fullest potential as a jellyfish! Hahahahahah dafuq, I just came up with that! :P
So one cannot just 'lepas tangan' (a Malay slang for relieving oneself of responsibility), especially when it concerns things that truly matter to you. You still do your best at every moment. You still put in time & effort, because you enjoy it, because you just have to, regardless of what the future has in store.
My latest source of information who I really resonate with is Sadhguru, & I really appreciate what he says in this clip:
There is no such thing as sacrifice, not when you know what your priorities are. It would be masochistic to think, 'Woe is me, I had to sacrifice this because I wanted that'.
& simply because I myself have always wonderehed about the other end of the spectrum:
Meeting with the Baul people last month really helped deepen my understanding of being present & enjoying each & every moment. These people live veeery simple lives. They sing when they want to sing, even at the dinner table & halfway through their meal, if they feel like getting up & singing, by Jove they goddamn will! To them, there is nothing more important than doing what your heart tells you to. Everything is in God's hands, just enjoy the moment - Hari Bol! Hahahahahah!
This is what Tantra Yoga is about - appreciating & enjoying everything at every moment. Even the 'bad'. Being in love with everything. Now I truly understand what Rumi meant when he wrote:
Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free.
You have to build up the awareness, that consciousness in you that realizes that all this is your own choosing. Even the parts which you think you did not choose, enjoy them! Enjoy the full spectrum of what this Earthly life has to offer you! Enjoy your laughter! Enjoy your sorrows! When you get angry, make sure you get well & angry, when you laugh, make you laugh hard - who knows when any of these moments will come again???
In the next minute, your life as you know it may end - are you still going to hold on to the past?
Or, would you rather celebrate your life? Do your best in the things that really matter to you, even if the results are not immediately visible?
There is a song which Guruji wrote, which more or less revolves around the words 'The bliss is in the journey'. It's a very lovely song, I used to sing along, though I'm not sure of the proper pronunciation of the words. Hahahahah! Tembak aje lah! When that song was played during our last musical gathering, even Maa teared up. Indeed, it is sometimes very difficult to accept the fact that everything changes; we always want to cling on to the good times.
It's been exactly a week since I've been back in KL, & I've only today started taking active action on beginning my Tantric journey (Don't get nasty thoughts, you bastards! Hahahahah!) - sorting things to sell or give away so that I can first of all make more space for new things (Or even, nothing! I still hope to go minimalist one day!), & secondly so that I can create my own little sacred space. If I can't stay in India, India will damn well stay with me!
At the moment I'm practising Tantra by loving myself. You always hear relationship & motivational speakers saying, 'Date yourself!', well that is the basis of all yoga, especially Tantra. Every movement, every thought, every action or inaction, is done in complete love & devotion. & who is more deserving of your love than you?
Bring on the candles & flowers! I hope to make it big enough in life to one day afford candles that don't emit harmful shiz though! :P :P :P
Random search on YouTube brought me to this, which is the song of the moment:
Kundalini Mantra - Adi Shakti
Going to read my Tantra book now. Goodnight peoples. <3 <3 <3