Listen To The Rhythm Of The Falling Rain...

R City feat. Adam Levine - Locked Away

We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage & risk.

- Thomas Moore -

It is such a blessing when you find someone with whom you can be yourself completely. Often people only want you to show your good side, they are afraid of your demons. & I'm not saying that you should unleash your hell rats at free will, no, definitely not; you are hugely responsible for your own bloody emotional trauma & baggage (which are the main factors as to how you react & behave in situations), yet as a mere human I myself know how difficult it can be to get out of this sink-hole.

It's like you realize what you are doing, but the awareness, the watcher, is a tiny figure at the back of your mind; he/she cannot reel in the beasts that are galloping out at full speed.

I have found that often times people do not need their problems fixed. Sometimes the healing happens just in the form of listening. & man it can sometimes be bloody hard to just listen!

First of all it is important to have the mindset that the behaviour of others does not reflect who we truly are. If one chooses to use harsh words on you, or accuse you of things you have never done, it is merely a reflection of their state of mind, not your character. Not to say that you should go on receiving verbal abuse from everyone, hahahahah...I guess it depends on the individual. As an empath I've always struggled with this. Very quickly I can locate the point of trauma & reason for that particular behaviour. But this 'gift' very quickly becomes a curse when I use this reason as an excuse for the other's behaviour, & go on accepting what they offer me.

But hang on, recently I've come to realize that this is not always a curse. In fact, I've realized that this is what is known as 'compassion'. Only thing is that sometimes I become too attached to the process & the outcome. I do not have to be a martyr of sorts to benefit another. Just because I can see something, does not mean I have to do anything about it. It is not always my business to heal others at my own expense.

Sometimes, yes, but not all the time. I am only responsible for myself.

To be able to listen without judgement, whilst maintaining a neutral mindset, takes a lot of self-knowledge & awareness. That Bruce Lee quote comes to mind: 'be like water, my friend'. No matter how you karate chop or beat it with a stick, water remains as it is - it is not injured, nor broken, nor torn apart.

& sometimes just by listening, you are practising compassion. At least have some compassion for the speaker who was courageous enough to bare his/her heart to you; at the risk of sounding stupid, at the risk of being judged; he/she put their trust & faith in you. The least you can do is listen.

Even if that listening has to be in the form of shouting or harsh words, if you have enough compassion; that listening can be healing enough. To just allow the other to get rid of all his/her internal garbage, before we plant new & beautiful things. & to not be biased about this person after they have revealed their stories.

I feel honoured when people approach me with their stories, & when they allow me the space to tell mine. It is a very precious, sacred space, even if it exists for just a few moments in time.

To have somebody acknowledge & see the good & bad in you, yet still love & accept you just the same - what else could a girl ask for? It's never about money or materialistic items, it's all about the things that cannot be bought.

A very beautiful parable that I learnt in Rishikesh from our dear teacher Gurumukh-ji:

As we were travelling up the mountain in the van, I noticed the electrical cables in the distance. & I started to think - what amount of effort was needed to build those wires to connect each mountain so that there can be light everywhere! Similarly, we are all mountains, solitary beings. Just like how the electrical wires were put in place to connect the mountains, we need effort to connect to one another. & through this connection, no one is left in darkness.

& what about compassion? (Geez, sorry peeps, his stories are so oshem that I can't help retelling them every chance I get, hahahahahah!)

Say you & your friends are walking a dark pathway & you are holding a torch light. Your friend who walks in front of you cannot see where he/she is going, simply because their shadow is blocking the path. Similarly, your friend who is behind you cannot see either, because your shadow is now blocking their path! So you all have to walk together, so that the path is lit up in front of all of you. Therefore friendship is all about walking together, the person who is more advanced waits for the other who is behind, so that we can all move forward in unison. This is what friendship & compassion is all about. 

Hey, kind of like that phrase from Lilo & Stitch - 'ohana means family, & family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten'. Bahahahahah!


Tomorrow: the next step - sharing.

Hahah...hahahah...hahahahahahahahah!!!

Freshly back from Rishikesh! Woohoo! It was truly a different experience. People say you either love or hate India - there are no in-betweens; & I knew I would love her even before I stepped foot into the country!

The writing bug has crept up on me again & there's so much to write about yet I don't know where to start, bahahahahah! I've learnt so much!

This has been my very first time spending such a long time in close proximity with others. Being the only child, I've always preferred spending time alone - I need a heckuva lot of Alone Time & personal space, lest I get grumpy & basically turn into Medusa...heheh.

One of the things that I have really experienced is that sometimes it doesn't take much to be alone. In the sense that, we can do whatever the hell we want to do, when we want to, how we choose to. It is only when we add other humans into the equation that the true depth of our spirituality & state of mind is revealed.

'The world is not as it is, it is as we see it.' Therefore, everything serves as a mirror to ourselves. Being alone, it is easy to shrink back into our shells at the slightest feeling of discomfort. But in a social setting, ego, expectation, attachment, etc etc come into play, & again back to the 'mirror concept', these interactions are a test of our true state of mind.

Sure, being alone also has its fair share of struggles - sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to sit alone in silence, enjoying our own company. We do not have the courage to face our inner demons. & it is at these times that we seek out the company of others, to fill the gaps of this seemingly ungodly silence.

Am I making any sense? I realized from a few weeks ago that I was having trouble writing & expressing myself. But now I realize that it is simply because I'm slowly coming to understand the great Tao of life. It is, but it isn't. It cannot be said. Everything has its opposite, yet everything is the same. How to make one understand? Hahahahahah! At the same time, I feel the need to express & share my experiences, & it is hard to write a piece when there are conflicting thoughts in your mind! :P

We can try to make some sense out of this Tao business by saying that situations matter. In this case, if one gets too disturbed by her loneliness, she can choose to escape through social interactions. But then one can say that she has failed to look her inner demons in their eyes. On the other hand, if she starts getting bothered by social interactions, she can choose to withdraw, in which case she is not accepting of herself, seeing as the world is as we see it. What a joke! Hahahahahah!

Obviously I myself am in limbo with this whole social interaction concept. But I don't intend to make any sense out of it. One of my favourite parables I learnt last month is this one:

One night, a man got so drunk that he could not walk. So his friends carried him back to his house, where his mother emerged from the front door to welcome him home.

'You fools! This is not my house! & who is this woman? She's not my mother! I want to go home!'

No amount of coaxing could get the drunkard to see that he really was home!

An old man walking by heard the commotion, & told the drunkard, 'Hey, I know where your house is! Hop onto my bullock cart & I'll take you there!'

The drunkard agreed & jumped onto the cart.

The old man drove the cart around the village, taking 'the scenic route', so to say; & finally stopped at the very same house he first saw the drunkard at, with the very same woman standing at the front door.

'Ah!!! I'm home! That first house was not my house, nor was that lady my mother; but this! This is really my house & my mother! Thank you kind sir!

Similarly, we are all searching for something that is already within us. But we go around searching, searching, searching. Our minds can not & don't want to understand that it is really as simple as just being. To the 'evolved' mind, everything that is worth having has to be achieved through struggle & hardship. That is true to a certain extent. So what to do when the mind refuses to stop working overtime? Then it is the teacher's job to bring the student round the village, until either she gets tired from the journey & realizes that she was already home, or until they reach the same point again & she then realizes ah yes, this is home.

I've been into crystals, metaphysics, religious or spiritual teachings, & a whole lot more. & I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be interested in all these. But at the end of the day, what does it matter? What are we actually trying to obtain from all these?

There are many roads that lead up the same mountain. For me, I've found that the internal matters so much more than the external. I have no control over the external, only the internal. Even crystals or religious figurines/items don't really have power over us unless we choose to give them that power. These external objects merely provide us with a physical item on which we can focus our intentions on. Heck, I've used this method too, still do! Sometimes I am attracted to things for the energy that it symbolizes, but mostly because I just appreciate the artistic qualities of that item. Bahahahah!

But once we recognize our true powers, none of these matter. Our powers of focus on intention & manifestation happen regardless of whether we possess a certain item, pray to a certain god, or perform any ritual.

So how to say that being sociable or unsociable tests the spirit more? Hahahahah!

Strange how this post turned out. Meh. Namaste, I've been round the village a few times, social creature or not, I'm home! Bahahahahahah! :P

Acceptance Is Key.

Elephant Journal - Own Your Shit.

Doing the work isn’t easy.

It’s easy to pretend that everything is bright & shiny & perfect, that we don’t need anything from anyone because life is grand just as it is…but as for me, I cannot live another day without embracing my “stuff,” without owning my shit, because doing so would be inauthentic & I just can’t breathe another breath living a lie.

Want some more cold hard facts? Until we own every little piece of ourselves, until we fully see ourselves & own who we are, what made us that way & want to fight to rise above & be our best selves, we will never be happy. We will never have a healthy relationship - with ourselves or with anyone else. Period. Harsh truths.

- Kelly Howard -

I always wonder if I'm being a hypocrite & just being a masochist by wallowing or not always taking fully active action to changing/improving who I am or what my perceptions are in life. Sometimes, I just want to enjoy feeling sad, or depressed, or upset. I don't want to tell myself it's not okey to feel all these so-called 'negative' emotions. I am still learning to fully embrace the fact that it is okey to succumb to these feelings every once in a while.

A few years back, I was a very repressed person - although, of course, I did not realize this at that time, & even then I was considered too emotional & dramatic by those who were close to me. I could not say what I wanted to say, because people either did not know how to react, or would try to fix things by giving advice or suggestions on how to improve things.

Now for you all you men out there reading this, you have to understand one very important thing about the female psyche - when we come to you with our problems, sometimes we are not searching for solutions. We are not expecting you to always be Mr. Fix-it & provide the answers to all our misery & sufferings. Sometimes we just want to let it all out. We already have the answers & solutions, we just need to express ourselves to people who we can trust, & who will show empathy towards our situations. It may sound strange, but that's the way we work!

So yes, I do believe in expression over repression. Before Teacher Training, I was such a repressed person. Every unfairness that happened towards me was kept hidden within high walls, every sadness buried deep within. & all this was holding me back from becoming who I truly was. Every day was just like any other day, although at that time it seemed like they were different. I was just like a zombie trudging through the dull monotony of life.

Repressed emotions are basically stagnated energy. We need to allow those emotions to flow freely out of us (in the most positive way) in order to make room for healing to take place. I don't deny that there are people out there who are always positive thinkers. At the same time, dear reader, please don't deny the fact that there are people out there who are not always positive thinkers. I feel that to deny a person's right to express his/her emotions, or to invalidate a person's feelings, is like saying that that person does not have the right to feel that way. That they are wrong to feel that way, & instead should feel a different way.

Now all well & good if a person is a chronic complainer or Negative Nancy. Sometimes I myself do get a bit carried away with my wallowing that I need a good kick up the ass to get my pruny ass out of the wallowing hole.

Society has taught us to maintain a stiff upper lip, a poker face, put on a mask in front of everyone else. To act like everything is fine, in fact more than just fine, everything is awesome, not a thing wrong in the world. But by denying & ignoring the things that are not-so-awesome, we are also giving energy to them. Maybe not so much that they manifest immediately in obvious ways, maybe just enough energy to keep what could be extinguished alive.

Does this make any sense?

Childhood traumas, past emotional baggages, all these are buried deep within the recesses of our minds, whether we like it or not. & it takes a heck lot of work to heal these. To deny ourselves the need to air out these issues is to deny ourselves of healing. It does take a bloody big shitload of bravery & strength to haul out these deep-seated issues & bring them to the surface. At times it even hurts just thinking about it, & we can't even begin to acknowledge the fact that our current response patterns are based on these issues. Instead of talking about it with someone trustworthy, we keep them buried, supposedly 'safely' hidden from everyone else.

Another thing about exposing emotional baggage & traumas is that we fear bring judged. People can be extremely judgemental creatures. & we fear that:
a) by revealing our deepest fears we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable
OR
b) by revealing that we were once so vulnerable, this person would look down on us or take advantage of our past vulnerability in the future.

Indeed, it is another thing to place trust in someone to not use your past against you. It is such a gift to have someone you can talk to without fear of being judged.

So yes, please do not be afraid of entertaining your 'negative' feelings every once in a while. It is healthy. Please do not be fooled by the constant flow of positive posts on social media. Everyone has their issues. Social media not only distorts people's views on body image, but also on mentality & emotional well-being.

Again, I'm not saying that all the positive-thinker social media warriors out there are phonies. Not at all. I'm just saying that there are people who are not that way all the time, & it is okey.

Accept yourself as you are. You are not alone. There are probably a million other people out there feeling just as fucked up as you are. & it will get better. There is no shame in falling down. Always get up. Wallow, enjoy it, & when you've had enough, get your ass out of there.

You have a human body, which comes with human emotions. Allow yourself the experience of the full range of emotions which being human entails.

The most solid advice for a writer is this, I think: Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, & when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, & when you laugh, laugh like hell. & when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.

- William Saroyan -

Suddenly reminded about something that I learned during one of our Patanjali discussions:
If two people cannot get truly & utterly angry at each other, they cannot truly & utterly express love to each other either. If you have to suppress certain feelings towards your partner or your parent or your friend, how can you possibly fully express your affection towards them? Something is fake, something is lacking between the two. Then, you are still wearing a mask. & it would be such a shame to be wearing a mask in front of the person closest to you.

Acceptance is always key. Starting today, practice acceptance towards yourself. Talk to yourself like you would your best friend. The only thing that's certain is that only you & you yourself are going to have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. So what better time than now to start accepting & loving the good & bad parts of yourself?

Namaste. Love & gratitude for all. <3 <3 <3

Lead With Your Heart.

A leader is best when people barely know he exists;
when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say:
We did it ourselves.

- Lao Tzu -




I never wanted to become a leader. Ever.

Full Yoga Immersion. Woohoo!

Full yoga immersion today. Fuh. Do die me. In a good way. Hahahahah! I really should stop using that phrase. Even as a Malaysian, certain Manglish phrases still tickle me silly. Bahahahah!

Well, the day started with an 8am yoga class that I had to teach. Sometimes I enjoy teaching complete beginner classes. It feeds the alignment-addict in me. Heh. One of the core principles I hold close to my heart is that we should practice asana in a way that allows for a life-long practice. We are not doing asana to be in competition with the person on the mat next to us. Neither are we doing it to be able to perform circus-like contortions & tricks. Not that there is anything wrong with people who enjoy vigorous vinyasa & doing multiple inversions etc. I like how Jason Crandell put it:

Different people require different degrees of physicality to feel grounded and content. And, even more, people’s needs change. Be mindful of where you are on this spectrum and find a practice and teacher that works for you.

So it wouldn't really be fair of me to say that every yogi who posts fancy asana photos on Instagram are just doing it for the sake of vanity, competitiveness, etc. Some people just have more energy to burn, period. What I am trying to highlight however, is that because of the lavish praise & attention that these yogis gets, other yogis start to push their bodies past their limit just to get to that level of physicality. Which is totally besides the point of yoga asana.

Back to the topic. After teaching, attended a Dynamic Flow class at Fitness First, The Curve. All these different class names intrigue me. But I was never in the financial position, or rather, it was never a priority for me to pay to try out various classes, especially at gyms; unless I'm really sure I like a particular teacher's style. But yeah, I got in for free because members can bring a friend during the weekends. Woohoo, score! Thanks, Michelle! :P :P :P

It wasn't as dynamic as I thought it would be, in my mind I imagined a really sweaty, hard, Ashtanga-style class. But it was basically just a regular hatha vinyasa class with more than a few challenging poses. It is always interesting to be the student when you have to do a balancing pose for ten counts. Bahahahahahah! One of the reasons I enjoy being a student is that it really gets thrown in your face that there is so much more out there to learn, regardless of how long you have been teaching.

In the evening there was Iyengar Yoga. In the beginning I never really appreciated this particular style of yoga. It seemed too simple, & lacked the intensity of constant movement that I liked. But over time, I realized that Iyengar Yoga is so meticulous about alignment, which is again what I always give utmost importance to. & another thing that I overlooked is that it doesn't always take non-stop movement to cultivate strength & flexibility. Sometimes, just holding the pose for a longer period of time can be just as intense a workout as a vinyasa. Also, holding the poses allows enough time for our muscles to really lengthen out, as opposed to only holding a pose for a few breaths. Thirdly! Because we are required to hold the poses for so long, it gives the teacher enough time to go around the room adjusting everybody, making sure we are all doing it to the best of our capabilities.

Another thing I really love about Iyengar Yoga is the usage of props, especially the wall ropes. Today we did a few variations of Shirsasana & Adho Mukha Svanasana with them. It is certainly scary the first few times to place your trust in these ropes. It definitely worried me the first time the teacher said to 'go inside the rope, align it on your hips, bring your legs up straight on the wall, then soles of the feet touch each other in butterfly & slowly lower your torso down'! Again, I was like, 'Nooooooo! Dafuq!!! Do die me???'...bahahahahah! But it really is easier than it sounds. Those ropes will hold you in place, they will not fail you! I've discovered that inversions are definitely a challenge for me, especially when it comes to placing trust on external non-animated assistance! This was quite a surprising discovery, because I never had trouble being assisted by humans in inversions during teacher training.

But yeah, looking forward to more yoga immersions. Different styles have their own strengths to be added on to my internal yoga database.

Iyengar Yoga provides me with the knowledge of safety & proper alignment in the poses, at the same time I have someone to correct me in my poses. It is vital to sometimes have another pair of eyes watching you, no matter how far along in your practice you are.

Ashtanga Yoga gets the pitta side of me running a bit more, getting me out of my usual sloth-ish-ness. Bahahahahahah

& Yin Yoga balances out the Yang in me. So important as a woman to balance out the Yin & Yang. Physical exercise does influence our energetic bodies, so if one is constantly practising Yang-style yoga practices like the ones I've been doing, I think it is very important to incorporate a bit of Yin Yoga as well.

That's all for today. I must say though, I am really enjoying being a student once again. Being a teacher is an honour, but at the same time sometimes it is a burden. As a student, I get to totally relax & just totally go within myself, I never realized this but I am so much more playful & relaxed when in class as a student as opposed to when I am in class as a teacher. Even in the tough poses, I break into spontaneous giggles; somehow yoga asana, unlike everything else in my life, was never always a serious matter. Even the challenging parts brought up laughter, when the other students would be clenching their jaws concentrating on doing the pose. As a teacher, I have to put on a mask to ensure my students do their best. Meh. Maybe I just have to get used to it. Heheh.

I bought a button badge the other day which says, 'In teaching others, we teach ourselves'. I agree. In class, not only the student is learning, the teacher is also learning from the student. It is indeed an honour to be the vessel in which to spread the joy of yoga.

Namaste. Love & gratitude for all, always. <3

Going To The River To Pray.

Ella Henderson - Ghost.

So filled with gratitude.

I had been holding back on paying the Rishikesh Teacher Training fee because I did not have enough funds. Having to quit my day job did not benefit me in financial terms either.

It's now barely three weeks till departure date, so I had to force myself to bring out all my monies & make the necessary calculations. I had been making a separate fund with my yoga earnings since my very first paid class, with the knowledge that it would be put to use in my future yoga studies, whatever they may be.

With the Ringgit at an all-time low, it worried me even more that I would not be able to reach the required course fee of USD1200. Thank goodness though, it was announced a few weeks back that the fee had gone down from USD1400 to USD1200. It may not seem like a lot to some, but it is to me.

Honestly, some people don't know how it is to live in a country where the minimum wage is low & the cost of living is high. A lot of small sacrifices had to be made, including rotting at home for most of the time & having to postpone doing other things that I wanted to learn or do. It is true, money is not everything, but everything is money. I even had to stop sending money back home. Luckily, those back home are self-sufficient & are able to cope with or without my help.

So, back to the topic. Collecting all the monies I had in my room a few minutes earlier. With my very limited Mathematical skills I slowly count & add up all I have. Miraculously, it all adds up to just a few USD more than what I require. I clutch the stack of paper tight & close to my chest, & tears of gratitude just start pouring out.

It is a completely different feeling when you earn money doing your life's purpose, as opposed to earning through doing something just for the sake of money. I can't even begin to explain this strange phenomenon. I had counted my yoga earnings a few months ago & the same feeling swelled up in me. I wonder if it will always be this way. I wouldn't mind if it was.

Earlier this evening, a student of mine randomly commented that I have good karma, because I have the opportunity to attend Yoga Teacher Training in India. I'd like to believe so. My whole yoga journey so far has been a series of fortunate events.

When I was first diagnosed with hyperthyroidism in 2012, I couldn't believe my ears. The way the doctors put it, was as though hyperthyroidism is a death sentence, & I would have to suffer for the rest of my life (this also shifted my perception on modern doctors & medicine). I turned to yoga in hopes of healing my physical body. Although my condition did not immediately improve, slowly but surely I came off medication.

The few months before & after I was off medication though, I was also off my yoga practice. I had just shifted to KL & had 'rusa masuk kampung' (deer entering the village) syndrome. It was mostly just home - work - home - work for me. So I did not attend any classes for about a year, & what little self practice I had, dwindled down to nothing.

The following year though, a feeling started rising within me. The feeling that the life I was leading up to that point was not enough. That something was lacking. & one day it just struck me that when I was in Ipoh, I always used to wonder what I can do to advance in my yoga practice. Even though it was so early in my yoga journey, I was already internally questioning how I can take it further; what is the next step. & by that time I had already known about Deep & his teacher training in Kajang. But it seemed impossible for me because there were no teacher trainings in Ipoh, & no way I could travel to & fro Kajang every weekend; so I put the idea at the back of my mind.

So when that feeling of inadequacy came up again, I was reminded of teacher training. But yet, the thought scared me. Me, a yoga teacher??? I had always been an extreme introvert. How to be teacher woh??? But I took the leap anyway. I could always decide whether to teach or not after the course. I did not have enough funds to pay for the fees. But my then-employer was generous enough to loan me some cash. I am eternally grateful for that. It was the first & hopefully last time ever I had to approach someone for such a big loan.

& the universe really does bring the right people together, for the right reasons. Deep is very traditional in his teacher training approach, so he allows students to come back for the teacher training course however often they feel they need to. I have attended this year's teacher training too, & glad I did because I learned a whole load of new things. As we all know, yoga workshops & training are not cheap, so I am very grateful for this opportunity to keep coming back to learn & grow.

So yes, I am again grateful for this opportunity to be going to the 'headquarters' of yoga. Although to some it may seem foolish to be paying to go for the same 200 hour teacher training course again, I see it more as a blessing because I have always wanted to go to India since I was little, but had my fears on going alone & somehow going there just on holiday never fully appealed to me. So when this opportunity arose, where a group of us would be travelling together to India & back, & to fully immerse in yoga; I jumped at the chance. I was so desperate to go that I even asked to loan money from someone I should not have. I had other personal reasons for that too, but it was wrong & unnecessary for me to do so.

So yeah. It came as quite a shock to me, to have somehow acquired enough to go. Time & time again, the signs are being shown to me that this is my path. I cannot deny it, even if I want to. Sometimes it really saddens me that not everyone will be able to share this happiness of mine.

Although I will be back to zero again when I return in October, I'm sure that everything will work out somehow or another.

You see, life is never a series of coincidences & good luck all the time. Sure enough, I didn't expect to make the required course fee, but at the same time, like I said earlier, there were other sacrifices I had to make to accumulate this amount. The universe don't owe you a rat's ass. It will give you only so much, so don't take anything for granted. If you want it, you still have to put in some degree of effort. Everything is a matter of prioritizing. Is your dream worth not eating out for a few weeks? Is your dream more important than a new dress? The little things do add up. Prioritize your finances, energy & time; & the universe will play its part when the time comes. Appreciation for the gifts the universe gives you can never only come in the form of emotions & verbalizations - these are never enough. Your actions need to be in line with your gratitude.

So just because I seem to be cashing in on karma points, doesn't mean life is all hunky dory for me. If success were easy, everyone would be doing it. There are always things that go on backstage that aren't always visible to the audience. Prioritize. Prioritize & find balance between putting in effort & allowing the universe to guide you. This year I've learned that balance is so important.

For now I'm grateful. Just truly grateful.

It feels like this is going to be a rebirth of sorts. I had the honour of 'being there' when Gobuyan went to Hawaii, & witnessing his transformation as he learned & grew with each new experience that every day brought. & I know that things will be the same for me too. We are both similar in the sense that, in our stubbornness, by hook or by crook, we *have* to go to that one place that we have always wanted to. The only thing is, Hawaii is different from Rishikesh like how an extrovert is from an introvert. I will be going deeper into myself through direct introspection, instead of learning through sharing & mingling with others.

I know I can do this. But it is equal amounts scary & exciting. I wish there would be someone to share in this important phase of my growth. But maybe I'm meant to go it alone. The thought really saddens me.

I'm going to the river to pray. :''')

Priorities.

Elephant Journal - What I Learned From Not Being Loved Back.

Avril Lavigne - Knocking On Heaven's Door.

At the end of the day, words are just that - words. There is a reason why the phrase 'talk is cheap' exists. Anyone can talk. But to walk the talk, now that's something.

The great Tao of life. Love is easy, but at the same time difficult. Just like everything else - balance. Balance between letting things flow naturally, & putting in the necessary effort.

It's always through action that we can come to know of a person's intentions. Excuses are basically just pretty white lies.

Now is the time to practice being yogi. Nobody ever said it was easy. It is tough to allow others to live their life according to how they want & need to. But it's even tougher when I'm the one being sacrificed in order for them to live. The ego starts to arise, indignantly questioning, 'am I not good enough?' & many other similar questions.

It's unfair to say that effort is required in career, yet not required in relationships. Although I have respect for every individual's choices in life, I find it hard to respect people who can't be forward with what they want & don't want in life, & who hide behind philosophies, twisting & turning ideologies to their advantage.

Living your life purpose should never mean hurting others. Ahimsa.

Feelings & intentions should always be made clear. It is never good enough to not be upfront with the fact that a relationship is not a priority anymore, but instead go on behaving like nothing is wrong yet acting up so that the other party will initiate the break up. Whatever makes you feel better about yourself, I guess. If I have to be the evil one who once upon a time gave up on this awesome person who thought he was putting in his best effort for me, so be it.

& I'm sorry my recent posts have been all about this. It is hard to be yogi all the time, & I'm obviously still practising. At the back of my mind, I know all of this doesn't matter. But my superficial layer is still fighting a tough battle.

In the words of The Fray, '& all at once the crowd begins to sing...sometimes the hardest thing & the right thing are the same'.

Well, depends on what the 'right' thing is. Again, all boils down to priorities.

I have no control over the actions of others, only my own. & I'd rather back out in order for them to live a full life, than to cling on & give shit to the both of us.

Soft is strong. Just like how it isn't my responsibility to understand others, it isn't anybody's responsibility to understand me either. I've always been alone. & I can do it again. I will do it again.

Self. Self. Self.

Christina Perri - Human.

Life doesn't always go as we want it to. Things come & go. People come & go. The things we hold dear to our hearts. The things we invest our time & efforts into.

The thing I really appreciate about yoga, & the thing that has changed my life for the better, is the idea that it is really all about our Self. It's all about doing what you think/feel is best for you, not anybody else. Because if you're not happy, how are you supposed to make anybody else happy?

& nobody is going to make you happy, all of the time. The only person you can really depend on is yourself. You are directly responsible for your own actions & their consequences, not anybody else.

Dreams, hopes, promises; everything is just an illusion which can be so easily shattered. Words are always only that - words. What lies in the future, nobody knows; hell, nobody should even be giving a fuck because we yogis should be living only in the present, shouldn't we???

& another thing is, you can never control the behaviour & reality of others. Today they feel this way, so they tell you this. & you believe them. Tomorrow they feel another way, & they tell you another thing. & you believe them. & it goes on & on & on. When will the madness end? When does one draw the line between not expecting people to live up to their words, & not trusting them? Is it not foolishness to remain still while they go on changing their minds? Especially when it comes to a joint venture you both invest in?

It's like at first the both of you promised to put in 50 - 50 every day. But somehow, somewhere along the line, some days the other puts in 20, other days they put in 10, some days none, but then again some days that 50 is back in there again. It's all good to say that you should remove expectations. But at the same time, realize your worth. Realize what you deserve. If you are in a joint venture, you have to accept the fact that it is called a joint venture for a reason.

Back to the topic. Inner work is so important. Selfishness is so important. & I've been in this classroom so many times, yet I'm still being called back to repeat it. It is hard to hold back on giving to others. On hindsight, I realize it has always been one of my misgivings.

Be selfish to be selfless. Hah. Challenge accepted.