Theme song for this week: James Bay - Let It Go.
I surrender. I give up. You win. Burn away all that I am, so that you may build me anew. No more avoiding, no more procrastinating, no more bargaining. For I grow weary of these things that come & go, the things that bind me to the superficiality of life. Everything is impermanent, I acknowledge that. Everything is in perfect order, I acknowledge that. But acknowledging is not the same as accepting & experiencing.
The truth is, I am afraid. My ego mind is fighting to stay alive. It scares me tremendously. It is not easy to remove a layer which has been falsely protecting me all my life. & the deeper the root, the tougher it is to remove. Oftentimes, my hands tremble. My chest feels helplessly tight, yet at the same time there is expansion; tiny, tiny cracks of expansion.
All these years, I acknowledged my attachments towards the ones I hold dear to me. But this is the first time I see clearly that it is nothing to do with them but everything to do with me. I fear abandonment. I fear being not good enough. I fear the unknown.
The Not Knowing Is The Hardest Part
The unknown is both beautiful & scary at the same time.
Everything happened as they said it would, right down to the T:
The Phases Of The Twin Flame Relationship
Twin Flame Separation Cycle
I know. I'm supposed to be a yogi. I'm not supposed to believe in these things. But the accuracy of it all is too much to ignore.
This is the first time I am really looking at my inner child in the eyeballs. It is not pretty. I long for the peaceful solitude I once had with myself, yet I crave the distraction that social interaction & 'busy-ness' provide. Though it has only been a few days, the introvert in me is tired of all this interaction. When I am alone however, more often than not I fear the silence. Last night I lay awake for hours just observing my breath & the space in my chest.
I fear the silence in which my mind goes into overdrive. 'What if I end up alone?' 'What could I have done in a different way?' 'Why is all this happening?' 'Am I not good enough?'
My ego does not want to let go & trust in the Universe. It is throwing a tantrum, playing the victim but at the same time refusing to let go of its perceived identity as 'director' of this show. 'NO! It must happen according to how I want it to be, because this is MY life, MY rules! How dare the Universe do this to me!' 'NO! We both put in so much effort, why is it not going the way we planned it to be??? This is so unfair!' 'I myself, & no one else, am in control of my own life! Not even God, not even the Universe!' 'Why me???'
I was once asked, 'The difference is I don't need nobody to be complete. & you do. Is this a woman thing?'
I could not answer. I could not explain how I knew I was complete in myself, yet I needed that intimate connection. Until I came across this yesterday:
I Don't Need You To Complete Me But I Still Need You
Maybe it is a woman thing, this wanting to share with that one special person. Somehow every experience, every new discovery is not the same when not shared. I've never connected on that level with anyone else, someone who is willing, or even able to understand what the hell I'm talking about, & doesn't judge me.
Another thing is as clear as day; the deepest root of my fear of abandonment - the Mother Wound. I never knew that it affected me that much. I used to take it lightly. Only now do I realize how badly that wound has scarred me. I know that again, it has nothing to do with my mother, & everything to do with me.
Why It's Crucial For Women To Heal The Mother Wound
Sometimes I curse this gift of awareness, yet at other times I feel extremely blessed. I refuse to fall into the same old patterns I am used to. I refuse to distract myself with another potential suitor only to repeat the same bullshit pattern that I'm so familiar with. Once again, the unknown is scary. Yet it is better to venture into the unknown than sell myself short.
Yes, take everything & burn it in the bloody bonfire. I refuse to depend on anyone or anything. I refuse to revert to external substances to blur the truth. I refuse to use a bandage or crutch. By hook or by crook, I will get through this.
No, I have not given up on us. I have never. Even though sometimes my fear got the better of me & I uttered harsh words in the spur of the moment. I had to remove myself because I was giving more bullshit than love. & it became a vicious cycle. I don't want to hurt him, me, us. What we have is so beautiful. Although it seems impossible now, I look forward to the day we will be happy, whether we end up together or with other people. When we can be BFFs again.
Music definitely helps heal the soul though. I just found another version of Let It Go which features one of my all-time favourite performers, Ed Sheeran:
James Bay & Ed Sheeran - Let It Go