I really don't mean to. For me it is really tough to forgo the urge to 'help'. I only understood this a few years ago, that 'help' can do more damage than good. & that in reality, by forcing my 'help' onto others, it only back-fires & creates shit for me & the other person.
First of all, it takes away my peace when I constantly worry & ponder about another person's issues. I used to have the 'your problem is my problem' mentality. Which didn't do anybody any good. I would not be able to function well in other areas of my life because I was bogged down by, ironically, someone else's problems. I did not know where to draw the line between compassion & idiot compassion.
Secondly, it is not my job to 'help' or 'heal' others. I stopped looking at myself as a 'healer in disguise'. Thinking of oneself as a healer creates ego & anyway, who the hell am I to dictate or assume someone's journey in life? I cannot fully know their whole story, from birth to the present, no matter how close I am to them, & no matter how much they reveal about themselves to me. Because at the end of the day, there are some things in life which even the other person does not know about themselves. So how to express something that even we don't know? Heck, even I myself don't fully know all my childhood traumas, past hurts, weaknesses, etc, so how the hell am I supposed to know what is good for another???
With this in mind, we must also apply the concept of not judging any event, because 'something good may come out of something bad, & something bad may come out of something good'. We have no way of telling the final outcome of things.
Once there were two mortal enemies. One day, one of them tripped & fell down, & the other immediately came & gave him a hard kick on the bum. Everyone started scolding the man for this action, 'You monster, why would you kick a man when he's down!?!' However, when the first man stood up, he came & shook the other man's hand, saying, 'Thank you! I have been suffering from chronic back ache for years now, & somehow after you kicked me, the pain is now gone! Thank you!'
So you see, dear readers, how to say what is good & what is bad? Even for myself, I never in a million years would have guessed I would one day be teaching yoga. & many series of 'unfortunate' events led me to where I am right now. So, I don't expect to fully understand the journey of others.
From as far as I can remember, I could always read others. Sure enough, sometimes I misread them, & this is when I come from a place of insecurity & fear. Yes, I will be the first to gladly admit that I am not perfect. I have many weaknesses that may not be apparent to others. Which is also another reason I don't identify with the 'healer' label anymore. Everyone in this world needs healing. We are all here to help each other, maybe some a bit more than others, but it is help, nonetheless. To label oneself as a 'healer' only creates ego, whether we are aware of it or not. 'Yes, I helped this person become who they are today,' 'If it were not for me, they would have not have gotten this far.' & all that kind of self-talk. It does happen, even in minuscule proportions. I, too, have my own set of 'stuff' to heal. So yes, many a times my own weaknesses have come in between me & another person. To really understand & see a situation as it is, is to have the ability to put aside one's self-importance. Instead of taking it personally & jumping to conclusions, when we put aside our selfishness, then we can look clearly at the other person. & I am not always in this position. Most times I have my own bullshit to work through too.
But how far do we take this idea? Do we just completely leave the other person to their own devices? When do we step in to help?
This is a very grey area. We cannot say for certain that help should be given at so-&-so time, & not given at another time. Sometimes we help, but then we are considered as interfering, & not allowing the other the freedom to do as they please. The other feels controlled & pressured to behave a certain way, they feel like they have no freedom to think for themselves & make their own decisions. At other times, we leave them to do as they please, & after all is said & done, if the outcome is not as desired, they turn around & say, 'Why the hell didn't you say something in the first place???'. :(
These two are the unfortunate by-products of the decision either to intervene or not.
I know I have spoken in the past about knowing how to communicate with a person so that they will come to know the truth. Gurumukh-ji likened this to trying to tell somebody to turn behind to look at a signboard behind them: 'You are sitting opposite that person, so you can see what is behind them, but they cannot. If you tell them to turn around, but they don't want to, you can either choose to leave them be, or if you have compassion for them, try different ways to get them to turn around.' Similarly, sometimes we see parts of others which they themselves may not see, no matter how vulgarly apparent these parts are to the rest of the world. So what to do then?
When you see that this signboard behind the other person is something so important & necessary, yet they refuse to look...what to do then?
This is where our topic for today has come full-circle, dear readers. We have to let go. We have to let go & trust that everything will work out in the end. & I know. Boy, do I know how hard it is to watch someone you truly care about go through what you think is unnecessary suffering. I know how hard it is to feel helpless, & to wish that we could just grab hold of their gotdang head & turn it around for them so that they will see that bloody signboard.
But this is impossible. No matter how good your intentions are, people only see what they want to see. & anyways, maybe there is something else which they are supposed to see, & it just isn't time for them to look at the signboard, no matter how important it is.
We can have the best intentions for others, but at the end of the day, we need to let go of these intentions. We need to learn to have faith in the universe, to trust it to do its thang. & yes, it will be unpleasant. It will be heart-wrenching. But remember to also take your time to centre yourself. Use what is shown to you to reflect on yourself, & how your interpretation of these events reveal your own state of being.
The thing I've learned is, you can only help others when you are strong. Sometimes, if you are strong enough in yourself, you can positively affect those around you without even saying a word. So focus on yourself. Build yourself up. An empty jug cannot fill cups.
Nor can small boobies.
Yes, I have a perverted mind. I need help. Is there a signboard somewhere I am not aware of? Bahahahah!