We Fight To Hold On, & We Fight To Let Go.

Theme song for this week: James Bay - Let It Go.

Dear Universe,

I surrender. I give up. You win. Burn away all that I am, so that you may build me anew. No more avoiding, no more procrastinating, no more bargaining. For I grow weary of these things that come & go, the things that bind me to the superficiality of life. Everything is impermanent, I acknowledge that. Everything is in perfect order, I acknowledge that. But acknowledging is not the same as accepting & experiencing.

The truth is, I am afraid. My ego mind is fighting to stay alive. It scares me tremendously. It is not easy to remove a layer which has been falsely protecting me all my life. & the deeper the root, the tougher it is to remove. Oftentimes, my hands tremble. My chest feels helplessly tight, yet at the same time there is expansion; tiny, tiny cracks of expansion.

All these years, I acknowledged my attachments towards the ones I hold dear to me. But this is the first time I see clearly that it is nothing to do with them but everything to do with me. I fear abandonment. I fear being not good enough. I fear the unknown.
The Not Knowing Is The Hardest Part

The unknown is both beautiful & scary at the same time.

Everything happened as they said it would, right down to the T:
The Phases Of The Twin Flame Relationship
Twin Flame Separation Cycle

I know. I'm supposed to be a yogi. I'm not supposed to believe in these things. But the accuracy of it all is too much to ignore.

This is the first time I am really looking at my inner child in the eyeballs. It is not pretty. I long for the peaceful solitude I once had with myself, yet I crave the distraction that social interaction & 'busy-ness' provide. Though it has only been a few days, the introvert in me is tired of all this interaction. When I am alone however, more often than not I fear the silence. Last night I lay awake for hours just observing my breath & the space in my chest.

I fear the silence in which my mind goes into overdrive. 'What if I end up alone?' 'What could I have done in a different way?' 'Why is all this happening?' 'Am I not good enough?'

My ego does not want to let go & trust in the Universe. It is throwing a tantrum, playing the victim but at the same time refusing to let go of its perceived identity as 'director' of this show. 'NO! It must happen according to how I want it to be, because this is MY life, MY rules! How dare the Universe do this to me!' 'NO! We both put in so much effort, why is it not going the way we planned it to be??? This is so unfair!' 'I myself, & no one else, am in control of my own life! Not even God, not even the Universe!' 'Why me???'

I was once asked, 'The difference is I don't need nobody to be complete. & you do. Is this a woman thing?'

I could not answer. I could not explain how I knew I was complete in myself, yet I needed that intimate connection. Until I came across this yesterday:
I Don't Need You To Complete Me But I Still Need You

Maybe it is a woman thing, this wanting to share with that one special person. Somehow every experience, every new discovery is not the same when not shared. I've never connected on that level with anyone else, someone who is willing, or even able to understand what the hell I'm talking about, & doesn't judge me.

Another thing is as clear as day; the deepest root of my fear of abandonment - the Mother Wound. I never knew that it affected me that much. I used to take it lightly. Only now do I realize how badly that wound has scarred me. I know that again, it has nothing to do with my mother, & everything to do with me.
Why It's Crucial For Women To Heal The Mother Wound

Sometimes I curse this gift of awareness, yet at other times I feel extremely blessed. I refuse to fall into the same old patterns I am used to. I refuse to distract myself with another potential suitor only to repeat the same bullshit pattern that I'm so familiar with. Once again, the unknown is scary. Yet it is better to venture into the unknown than sell myself short.

Yes, take everything & burn it in the bloody bonfire. I refuse to depend on anyone or anything. I refuse to revert to external substances to blur the truth. I refuse to use a bandage or crutch. By hook or by crook, I will get through this.

No, I have not given up on us. I have never. Even though sometimes my fear got the better of me & I uttered harsh words in the spur of the moment. I had to remove myself because I was giving more bullshit than love. & it became a vicious cycle. I don't want to hurt him, me, us. What we have is so beautiful. Although it seems impossible now, I look forward to the day we will be happy, whether we end up together or with other people. When we can be BFFs again.

Music definitely helps heal the soul though. I just found another version of Let It Go which features one of my all-time favourite performers, Ed Sheeran:
James Bay & Ed Sheeran - Let It Go

Yours truly,
Ee Lee.

To Think That You Know What Is Best For Another Person Is To Be Out Of Your Business.

I always try to make it a priority not to force my opinions & ideas of life onto others. I realize I've always struggled with this, especially those who I hold dear to my heart. :(

I really don't mean to. For me it is really tough to forgo the urge to 'help'. I only understood this a few years ago, that 'help' can do more damage than good. & that in reality, by forcing my 'help' onto others, it only back-fires & creates shit for me & the other person.

First of all, it takes away my peace when I constantly worry & ponder about another person's issues. I used to have the 'your problem is my problem' mentality. Which didn't do anybody any good. I would not be able to function well in other areas of my life because I was bogged down by, ironically, someone else's problems. I did not know where to draw the line between compassion & idiot compassion.

Secondly, it is not my job to 'help' or 'heal' others. I stopped looking at myself as a 'healer in disguise'. Thinking of oneself as a healer creates ego & anyway, who the hell am I to dictate or assume someone's journey in life? I cannot fully know their whole story, from birth to the present, no matter how close I am to them, & no matter how much they reveal about themselves to me. Because at the end of the day, there are some things in life which even the other person does not know about themselves. So how to express something that even we don't know? Heck, even I myself don't fully know all my childhood traumas, past hurts, weaknesses, etc, so how the hell am I supposed to know what is good for another???

With this in mind, we must also apply the concept of not judging any event, because 'something good may come out of something bad, & something bad may come out of something good'. We have no way of telling the final outcome of things.

Once there were two mortal enemies. One day, one of them tripped & fell down, & the other immediately came & gave him a hard kick on the bum. Everyone started scolding the man for this action, 'You monster, why would you kick a man when he's down!?!' However, when the first man stood up, he came & shook the other man's hand, saying, 'Thank you! I have been suffering from chronic back ache for years now, & somehow after you kicked me, the pain is now gone! Thank you!'

So you see, dear readers, how to say what is good & what is bad? Even for myself, I never in a million years would have guessed I would one day be teaching yoga. & many series of 'unfortunate' events led me to where I am right now. So, I don't expect to fully understand the journey of others.

From as far as I can remember, I could always read others. Sure enough, sometimes I misread them, & this is when I come from a place of insecurity & fear. Yes, I will be the first to gladly admit that I am not perfect. I have many weaknesses that may not be apparent to others. Which is also another reason I don't identify with the 'healer' label anymore. Everyone in this world needs healing. We are all here to help each other, maybe some a bit more than others, but it is help, nonetheless. To label oneself as a 'healer' only creates ego, whether we are aware of it or not. 'Yes, I helped this person become who they are today,' 'If it were not for me, they would have not have gotten this far.' & all that kind of self-talk. It does happen, even in minuscule proportions. I, too, have my own set of 'stuff' to heal. So yes, many a times my own weaknesses have come in between me & another person. To really understand & see a situation as it is, is to have the ability to put aside one's self-importance. Instead of taking it personally & jumping to conclusions, when we put aside our selfishness, then we can look clearly at the other person. & I am not always in this position. Most times I have my own bullshit to work through too.

 But how far do we take this idea? Do we just completely leave the other person to their own devices? When do we step in to help?

This is a very grey area. We cannot say for certain that help should be given at so-&-so time, & not given at another time. Sometimes we help, but then we are considered as interfering, & not allowing the other the freedom to do as they please. The other feels controlled & pressured to behave a certain way, they feel like they have no freedom to think for themselves & make their own decisions. At other times, we leave them to do as they please, & after all is said & done, if the outcome is not as desired, they turn around & say, 'Why the hell didn't you say something in the first place???'. :(

These two are the unfortunate by-products of the decision either to intervene or not.

I know I have spoken in the past about knowing how to communicate with a person so that they will come to know the truth. Gurumukh-ji likened this to trying to tell somebody to turn behind to look at a signboard behind them: 'You are sitting opposite that person, so you can see what is behind them, but they cannot. If you tell them to turn around, but they don't want to, you can either choose to leave them be, or if you have compassion for them, try different ways to get them to turn around.' Similarly, sometimes we see parts of others which they themselves may not see, no matter how vulgarly apparent these parts are to the rest of the world. So what to do then? 

When you see that this signboard behind the other person is something so important & necessary, yet they refuse to look...what to do then?

This is where our topic for today has come full-circle, dear readers. We have to let go. We have to let go & trust that everything will work out in the end. & I know. Boy, do I know how hard it is to watch someone you truly care about go through what you think is unnecessary suffering. I know how hard it is to feel helpless, & to wish that we could just grab hold of their gotdang head & turn it around for them so that they will see that bloody signboard.

But this is impossible. No matter how good your intentions are, people only see what they want to see. & anyways, maybe there is something else which they are supposed to see, & it just isn't time for them to look at the signboard, no matter how important it is.

We can have the best intentions for others, but at the end of the day, we need to let go of these intentions. We need to learn to have faith in the universe, to trust it to do its thang. & yes, it will be unpleasant. It will be heart-wrenching. But remember to also take your time to centre yourself. Use what is shown to you to reflect on yourself, & how your interpretation of these events reveal your own state of being.

The thing I've learned is, you can only help others when you are strong. Sometimes, if you are strong enough in yourself, you can positively affect those around you without even saying a word. So focus on yourself. Build yourself up. An empty jug cannot fill cups.

Nor can small boobies.

Yes, I have a perverted mind. I need help. Is there a signboard somewhere I am not aware of? Bahahahah!

Is All Yoga Therapeutic?

Recently, the Yoga Alliance came up with a new policy regarding the use of the term 'yoga therapy' (Read about this here).

I'm not sure if this came as a shock or not to me. On one hand, I understand the need for people to know exactly what 'therapy' means & entails. On the other hand, how does one really distinguish between therapeutic & non-therapeutic yoga?

Random rant: As I am writing this, I have come to realize that I hope in the future, all medicine/healings will be looked at holistically, & that yoga will not be regarded as an alternative or complementary form of healing.

Coincidentally, yesterday someone shared a story by Eric Nelson, instructor at NeuroKinetic Therapy, which I deeply resonated with:

I recently treated a patient who had been experiencing headaches for the past few months. She had multiple tests including imaging of her brain, and everything was negative for pathology. While there are many possible causes of headaches, based on her history, I decided to look at her from a movement perspective. Her neck range of motion was significantly limited and while neck flexion was limited and painful, neck extension was limited and non-painful.

My NeuroKinetic Therapy® testing was interesting. I usually find inhibited deep neck flexors in these types of cases, but this time it was the opposite, her suboccipital muscles (neck extensors) were the inhibited muscles. Gentle treatment was performed to the deep neck flexors and upon NKT retesting, the suboccipital muscles were now functioning.

In addition to looking at her neck, I assessed her core and noted that her breathing pattern was inefficient as she had a tendency to hold her breath. To address this issue, we worked on diaphragmatic breathing as well as stabilizing in the 3-month neurodevelopmental pattern.

By the end of the session she reported only a slight improvement with her headache but noted that she felt more centered and relaxed. On the follow up visit a week later she reported that she did not have one headache since her last visit!

Amazing, right! This is my take on the whole phenomenon:

How important it is to look at a condition holistically as opposed to just focusing on the main complaint. With this in mind, imagine how important posture & the breath is! For the most part, I don't agree with the new Yoga Alliance policy on using the word 'therapy' in your job/school/workshop/etc description. Yes, the yoga market is saturated with self-proclaimed teachers & 'experts', that is why the people need 'protection'; but the very purpose of yoga asana is healing. So how to say what is yoga therapy & what is not?

I understand that due to the modernization of yoga, there are people out there who do not take into account the very fundamentals of yoga. In some ways, it has been bastardized so much so that it has become just like any other physical exercise - to just get the body moving, to sweat, to have that 'runner's high', etc.

It is very important to combine both the traditional & modern aspects of yoga. Yes, traditional yogis probably did not know anything about alignment. But is it important & necessary? Of course! What differentiates yoga from other physical exercise? I would say, yoga, done properly, is designed to rid the body of unnecessary dis-ease & to build awareness first on the physical body, then expand this awareness towards other areas of life.

In saying this, all yoga would be therapeutic!

But no, nowadays you see yogis injuring themselves left right & center. Heck, there are even yoga competitions being held! What the hell is a yoga competition anyway??? Might as well call it a contortionist competition instead! It is such a ridiculous exploitation of the word 'yoga'.

I agree 100% with this article written by American Yoga School founder James Brown: The Colossal Failure Of Modern Yoga.

There is so much bullshit going on in the name of yoga, with every Tom Dick & Harry wishing to milk this cash cow in one way or another. & this not only affects the public, but also decent teachers who know their shit. It is very, very hard to undo the side effects & misinterpretation of yoga in students.

Back to the Yoga Alliance policies. I never fully understood how a 200-hour graduate could be deemed qualified enough to conduct a 200-hour teacher training course. There are no rules & regulations as to who is eligible to conduct 200-hour courses. For me, that in itself raises a big question mark as to whether the Yoga Alliance really is interested in the public's welfare. & of course, since conducting teacher training courses are much, much more lucrative than teaching regular classes, why wouldn't people want to start courses? & thus a never-ending self-destructive cycle has begun.

To me, all yoga is therapeutic, if you understand the basic fundamentals of the practice:

1. Your posture affects your breath.
2. Your breath affects your physiological, emotional & mental well-being.
3, Your breath is your teacher.

There is no such thing as 'by the third year of your yoga journey, you must be able to put one leg behind your head'. You may not even need to progress beyond a simple vinyasa sequence for years, unless you want to.

What I'm trying to say is that, yoga is just a tool to get one into optimal state of physical well-being. If you were having a stomach ache, is your mind at peace? Will you be open to listening or contemplating the philosophies of the universe? No! Your mind will only be on the toilet, hahahahah! That being said, different intensities of yoga practices exist to accommodate the different levels of physicalities amongst people. Someone may be naturally more energetic than another, & without expelling this excess energy, he/she may not be able to sit quietly! But aha! Even in the process of 'sweating it all out', one must not lose sight of the main purpose of their yoga practice - to work within one's limitations & not push the body too much.

Yoga is also designed to bring awareness to the physical body, we are learning to cultivate & build our awareness. & what tools do we always have with us? Our physical body & breath! When awareness on the physical body starts building up, then we will naturally expand this awareness to other areas of life too. Then our actions are filled with awareness. & as Osho said, 'awareness is the seed of godliness in you'.

Only when there is awareness, can we start living consciously. Or else, it will be like we are just walking around with a veil over our faces, not knowing what we are doing, just groping about hoping to find our way through. & only through this awareness can we begin to make better choices & decisions in life. Wouldn't you say that yoga is so therapeutic?

Anime Can Be Philosophical Too!

Over the past week, Feveret Human & I have been binge-watching anime, Attack On Titan to be precise. It's my favourite anime to date, even bypassing One Punch Man!

Sure, One Punch Man has its deep moments & awesome random shenanigans, but Attack on Titan pierces much deeper into things - it reminds me how powerful art & media can be. What I really like about Attack on Titan is the internal conversations the characters have with themselves. It opens up a whole different perspective that one might not have considered before.

The show basically revolves around the war between humanity & man-eating Titans. Naturally, the humans formed a large defence team to protect themselves. Through soliloquies, the viewer gets to know the contrasting emotions & experiences that the soldiers have to go through before, during & after battle. How they still need to deal with internal politics within their squads, face the brash opinions of the community, all while struggling to be true to themselves.

At the same time, there are many symbolical messages too. But I'll stop giving away so many spoilers for now! :D

I don't usually enjoy watching action flicks, & avoid them if I can. But despite its goriness, Attack on Titan did a brilliant job in conveying many important life messages.

Some parts really reminded me of the Bhagavad-Gita; the part where the battle has just started & Arjuna is having doubts about why he should go into battle. Because like most of us, he was taught to be peaceful & to not harm others. So he was torn wondering why he has to fight with & kill his fellow men. But Krishna said that everything is eternal. When you kill someone, you only destroy his physical body, you can never destroy his soul (I understand if this concept seems very extreme, dear reader, I myself was so shocked when I first read this that I avoided the Bhagavad-Gita for years!). & if the innocent & righteous did not make a stand & fight against the evils in the world, then the evil will continue their reign & continue harming others. Sometimes war is necessary to stop evil in its tracks.

Life is a big battle. Of course, don't forget that it is also a big candy shop at the same time. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want & what you truly stand for. Even if sometimes two 'wants' present themselves at the same time, you have to decide which is more important to you, or which does the greater good. & the funy thing is, sometimes these two are present in both your options, but in varying degrees. Sometimes people may not only not understand your decisions & actions, but also misinterpret them. Are you willing to risk your reputation to do what you want to do? How badly do you want to fulfil your dreams & your purpose in this lifetime?

What are you fighting for? At the end of the day, even if everybody is against you, what do you want? Even when the chips are down, & the circumstances keep pushing you back; once your mind is still - what do you want? & as long as you are not harming anyone in the process - go chase your dream. Live your life. You only have this one chance.

& be kind. You don't know what internal demons others are battling. Be kind wherever & whenever possible.

Yoga Is About The Self, Yet It Is Also About Others.

This week's topic concerns a wide range of topics which revolve around two main topics: environmental sustainability & animal welfare.

2015 was a very life-changing year. I would largely attribute it to the influence of my Feveret Human, who is much more knowledgeable than me when it comes to current issues of the world.

The very first documentary I watched was Earthlings.

Yesterday Feveret Human & I watched Cowspiracy.

Please make time to watch these two documentaries, or any other documentary that catches your fancy. I promise you, life will never be the same again. Go to YouTube & type search for Gary Yourofsky. He is an animal activist & gives pretty damn good talks on veganism & animal welfare.

Or click here: Best Speech You'll Ever Hear - Gary Yourofsky.

Now don't get me wrong. I used to eat meat too. In fact I still crave the taste of meat more often than not. Yet I choose to abstain from it after coming to terms with the truth. & I too got very annoyed & irritated when people 'forced' these truths on me. I chose to be continue being comfortable by turning a blind eye to what really goes on in & around the meat industry.

I had never watched an in-depth documentary prior to Earthlings. I am usually the kind of person who avoids gory links & videos that people share on social media. Even if the thumbnail or description is eww-wy, I completely avoid it. So I don't know what came over me, or how I found out about the documentary; I just randomly thought to watch it one night.

& man did it disturb me. I cried most of the time. & it stunned me into really accepting the fact that I was just lying to myself all this time. Throughout my life I always thought myself & my family as animal lovers. Yet all of us consumed meat. Vegetarianism was not given a thought, it was just something that other people do. & there were many people around me who loved animals, yet could not bear to watch videos/photos of animal abuse, accidents, not even wildlife documentaries where a natural predator kills its prey; let alone a documentary about the process of how animals are turned into our food. So I myself avoided these issues. Like I said earlier - I was comfortable lying to myself.

& I think I am lucky in the sense that I watched Earthlings first, then Cowspiracy. Earthlings shocked me into awareness, it showed me what really goes on in the meat industry. Whereas Cowspiracy approaches the topic in a calmer & more logical way. I really liked how the main idea of Cowspiracy is about individual responsibility: 'What am I doing to contribute to this problem?', 'What can I do to make a change?' A few weeks ago Feveret Human & I watched another documentary, The Age of Stupid. It was a brilliant documentary. The only thing I did not really like about it is that it tries to address the problem with external solutions - what biotechnology, what science can do.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to our greed. It is human nature to always want more. & nature is generous, but even her generosity has its limits. So we can research & advance all we want, but if our greed & selfishness is not addressed, everything else is for naught.

It takes so much more vegetation to 'grow' meat for human consumption. Ironically a high percentage of crops are going into feeding animals rather than feeding humans. Not to mention the consumption of water & other resources.

At the same time, have you ever wondered about the by-products of the meat industry? Where does all that waste & faecal matter go to?

& what about the animals themselves? Is it enough to allow them 'natural lives' when at the end of the day we are going to kill them anyway? What kind of freedom is that? & how can one say, 'I love dogs & cats,' so they don't eat those species of animals, but then cows, pigs & chicken are 'made to be eaten'???

I am also hugely thankful to my cat Karas for helping me realize the need for me to go vegan.

Even if it was not for matters of the world (which are indeed very pressing matters & need to be dealt with immediately for the collective good), compassion & kindness were lost when I chose to eat meat. I was allowing animals to be treated badly. I was allowing animals to be denied their freedom & right to life.

I used to be outraged at news of dog or cat meat being sold in certain countries. But it did not disturb me watching hundreds of cows & chickens being farmed & butchered in the market. Funny how the human mind works, huh?

How does one decide which life matters more than the other???

I chose to cover this topic today because yoga is about self, yes - Patanjali's Yoga Sutras are all about the self. He always addresses the inner, never the outer. But you see, once the inside is pure, everything else falls into place. The principle of Ahimsa (Non-violence) is pretty much self-explanatory.

Similarly, in Matthew 7:12 of the Bible: So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.

Is my own selfishness harming others? Why am I eating meat - to satisfy my tastebuds? Why do I use products made out of animal by-products? Because it's more 'classy'?

To awaken is a painful process. But it is even worse to choose to remain asleep.

A Case of Me-Me-Me-itis.

It's been a rough week for me. Apart from writing work and teaching, a lot of other things have popped up along the way.

I guess when we go off track, sometimes the Universe gives us a little tap on the shoulder like, 'Hey you! Get yo ass back on track!' :P

So yeah, although I have been doing what I need to, it hasn't really been full speed ahead. It's just the bare minimum, sometimes even less. I have to say though, out of the seven deadly sins, sloth ranks the highest in my list - I am a professional slacker at the best of times!

I really enjoy philosophy and its components. But unfortunately that doesn't pay the bills (for now). & I believe I can contribute more than just 'falsampah' to the world; but I just need to put in a bit more effort to refine my skill sets.

I want to be around genuine people who say what they mean & mean what they say. I don't really give a shit if you're wearing the latest fashion, nor if you have the latest gadget (although a neat camera would be really cool, heheh). I don't want to be around people who only want to hang around me for the materialistic things I have to offer. I don't like being obliged into giving gifts or having to conform to certain social conditionings. If you want to hang out with me, then I would like it to be because you enjoy my company, & nothing more.

One of the highlights of my week was meeting this Swedish lady (Whom my mother met through backpacking/hitch-hiking - don't ask me who the hitch-hiker/hikee was though!) who is staying over at my grandparent's place. I really enjoyed listening to her stories about her life back in Sweden. She is in her 70s, & does painting, sculpting & makes jewellery! She & her husband have a big-ass garden where they grow all kinds of flowers & make tiny flag labels for them so it's like 'a botanical garden'; they even grow strawberries & mulberries which they harvest to make jam! & they go skinny-dipping in the ocean! Is that the life or what???

& now she's travelling solo in Malaysia, after which she will head to Thailand, then to India! WTF! I'm 30 & I've never travelled solo to another continent!

So yeah, these past few days the Universe has been nudging me to put pedal to the metal. It wasn't always a pleasant experience - so many things happened to show me what I do not want in my life. Yet this meeting with this one person reminded me of what I do want in life - about the possibilities that the world & life itself has to offer.

At the same time, the people who I need have been coming into my life. When I was contemplating doing Yoga Teacher Training, among a hundred other questions, I asked myself, 'What would I want to do with this knowledge?' & the answer was, 'To help people.' Somehow over time I got sucked into the whole 'commercialized' aspect of yoga. I was too caught up with the glamourized version of yoga - looking good in poses, taking yoga selfies, being able to do this/that pose, the latest yoga fashion, etc.

Slowly but surely people have started coming to me with various physical issues. & I am glad to report that sometimes I don't even know about their issues until after they are cured & they come up to me & say things like, 'I used to have bad menstrual pain but after attending your classes, it's disappeared.' It really does make my day (or even week!) when I get such feedback from my students. It makes me understand why I need to learn more & deepen my knowledge. I am thankful for all my students. They are the ones who play a big role in my satisfaction as a teacher. To be a leader, one must be ready to serve. & what I have acquired, all I have learned, goes to my students & those who need it.

I'm sorry if today's post has not been as philosophical or positive as expected. I'm just keeping it real.

Remember: the Universe (or God, or angels, or whatever you want to call it) is always sending you messages. Make sure you are open enough to receive those messages. Sometimes it may be a small tap on the shoulder. If the message is important & you don't acknowledge that tap, it becomes a smack on the back of the head. If that smack doesn't get your brains working, then I don't know, maybe a whole box of Post-It notes will be thrown in your direction!

Accept Yourself In Your Totality!

So, the human mind finds it very difficult to accept any moment in totality, or to accept the rising of one's Self in totality. There is always a duality, so...in this moment I accept the feeling of love, but when the feeling of hate arises in me, I reject it. In another moment, I accept the feeling of joy, but when the feeling of sorrow arises in me, I reject it.

- Lalla The Buddha -

Have you ever noticed this in yourself?

We always hear the masters saying, 'Do not attach to anything.' But do you understand the depth of this statement?

Once, a travelling monk reached the palace of a king who was well-known for his indulgences, yet also known to be a wise man. The monk was granted permission to stay within the palace walls for a few days. One day, the king invited the monk to accompany him to the river. As they were bathing in the river, the monk saw smoke in the distance, & in a flurry rushed out of the river to put on his clothes.

The king asked him, 'What's the matter?'

'Can't you see! Your palace is on fire! & my clothes are in there!'

At which point the king started laughing, 'My dear friend, I am a king. & my whole palace is going down in fire, everything I own is in there, even my family. Yet I am still relaxed. & you? You are worried about your few pieces of clothes!?!'

Dear friends, being unattached does not mean we have to own nothing. It does not mean that we must doom ourselves to live lives of paupers. No! You can damn well own a Ferrari, if your heart so pleases. You can damn well have a large collection of watches, if it is within your means. & you can damn well have a huge bank account, if your passion rakes in the monies.

But it does mean that you do not allow anything to own you.

The question is: How gracefully are you able to let go?

Similarly with human emotions. We become so attached to the 'positive' emotions that we become repelled by the thought of experiencing 'negative' emotions! & then, ironically, attachment also forms towards the avoidance of 'negative' emotions, bahahahahah does that make sense?

So how can we fully accept ourselves in our totality, if we choose to acknowledge one aspect of ourselves & not the other? In the first place, how can good exist if there is no bad? How can light exist without darkness? How can big exist without small? Neither ceases to exist without the other! So how can you be 'good' if there is no 'bad' within you? :P

I really love Huffington Post article on transforming anger according to Osho.

'In controlling you repress, in transforming you express (...) Sensitivity grows with awareness. Through control you become dull & dead. That is part of the mechanism of control: if you are dull & dead, then nothing will affect you, as if the body has become a citadel; a defense. Nothing will affect you, neither insult nor love.'

When certain feelings arise within you, do not fight them. Have an internal conversation with yourself:

'I am feeling *insert emotion here*.'
'Why am I feeling this way?'
'What did/did I not do to cause this?'
'Why am I responding this way?'
What do I need to do to express this emotion, without harming others?'

You get the gist of it.

The main idea is to not ignore, repress or avoid any emotion. In fact, I would say enjoy them! Go deep to the source! & if you are aware enough, completely immerse yourself in them! When you are happy - jump for joy, laugh out loud; when you are angry, get good & angry - beat your pillow, bury your face into it & scream & shout, go for a jog; anything as long as you do not hurt another.

& when you are fully open to the very human-ness of your being, you can fully embrace & love yourself. & guess what happens when you fully accept yourself? You are able to accept & love others in their totality too.

Every Moment Is THE Moment.

Happy New Year, everybody!

As far back as I can remember, I've never been one to celebrate new year's. I can just vaguely recall one or two countdowns in crowded nightclubs & struggling in a sea of people to watch fireworks.

Sounds like quite a nightmare to all you introverts out there, huh?

When I was wayyy younger, the most I would do was watch the countdown on the telly (this was before the dawn of Internet & even computers, mind you!), & the national parade or whatever was airing the next day. Then it shifted to just doing my own thing & listening to the boom of the fireworks when the clock struck twelve.

& every time I wondered, 'Is there something wrong with me?'

I thought myself strange, because everyone makes such a big deal out of it, & just like Valentine's Day or any other major 'holiday', the general idea was that if you spend any of these days alone, you are a loser.

'But, I don't enjoy getting up close & personal with thousands of sweaty strangers!'

When I first moved to KL, I realized that I had accepted the fact that I was actually okey spending every New Year's eve in the comfort of my own room, not doing anything extraordinary. In fact, come to think of it, when I moved here it was the 30th of December & I recall the feeling of utter bliss being in my room hearing the loud booms of the fireworks outside.

I don't quite understand the hype around New Year's eve. No, actually I do; it just doesn't excite me very much. I feel that every day is a New Year's eve. Today, it's been one year since the last 1st January, right? & two days from now it will also be a year since last 3rd of January, right? So would that not also be a 'new year', technically speaking?

What I do appreciate about the hype is that many people will take some time to reflect & show appreciation towards everything in the past year, & make 'resolutions' (whether these are kept or not is another matter!) for the new one.

I believe that it is important for everybody to see the magic of new beginnings. & when I say new beginnings, I also mean second chances, fresh opportunities, new starts.

& now I get why I don't get hyped up about New Year's. It's because I find it strange to wait for a man-made date to approach before doing what one wants to do. Every moment is the moment to change, each day brings with it boundless opportunities, why wait 365 days???

Anyway. I will take this opportunity to recap how my year went! *excited-ness!*

2015 has been by far one of the most interesting years of my life so far. I finally had the guts to quit my day job to teach yoga full-time. By the grace of God, my long-time dream of travelling to India came true, & of all places, to the holy city of Rishikesh! & for a whole month! Wow!

This is easily the first time ever I've made so many wonderful new friends in one year. & I am also thankful for old friends who have supported me through the ups & downs of life - sometimes we may not even talk regularly, we may not even be up to date with the other's latest happenings, but those who have been there for me during rough times will always have a special place in my heart. I know I can come across as very dramatic sometimes, & I thank them all for bearing with me! Hahahahah!

Same goes for my family. I always feel blessed because I was/am always allowed the freedom to do whatever the hell I want to (within reasonable limits, of course!). I feel that acceptance & freedom is one of the best things a person can give, & I am thankful that when I emerged from my mother's womb, my parentals did not proclaim, 'My little engineer!'... :P

It's been a year full of great ups & downs. But all's well that ends well. Here's to 2016!