Let Us Start At The Beginning...

It's been 12 days. & what an emotional roller coaster it has been.

I've been going through the stages of grief:

Shock

Denial

Anger & Guilt

Despair & Depression

Acceptance

Although these phases still come & go in no particular order every now & then, I'm somewhat glad to say that I am slowly but surely moving towards acceptance.

It's funny how love sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I will never get tired of telling the story of how Karas & I met.

A friend was meeting up with an investment officer (or something to that effect) & asked me to meet him at one of the food stalls at the Ipoh Stadium to help go through the documents, because he can't read English very well. After a while, it started to rain. This tiny cat (not exactly a kitten, I estimate he would have been at least two months old by then) walked up & sat beside me. Naturally, I said hello to him, & without so much as an invitation, he jumped right onto my lap! I was kind of freaked out because his fur was dull, & there was crust on his ears which had also started spreading to his forehead. & I was wearing a pair of dark pink shorty shorts, so he was in direct contact with my skin! *horror face*

I quickly put him back down on the ground, but he immediately jumped back up, & gave me this indignant, fed up look like, 'Human! This is my birthright, & the sooner you come to terms with it, the happier we will all be.'

Meh. I let him stay there for a few more minutes. After which I put him back down again, & the same thing happened!

The stall owner said that no one owns the cat & I should take him back home with me. At that period of time, I was temporarily housing a young cat from the stables which had just been neutered. Her siblings had been adopted by a colleague, so I thought that this new cat could be a companion for her.

This was when he first arrived home. Look at that IDGAF expression. Hmmm.

When it came time to go, all the stalls had already closed for the day, & it was still raining heavily. Since I could not source a box from the area, I went to my car, grabbed my raincoat, bundled him up & carried him to the car. He did not flinch, & although was slightly nervous about the car ride, sat quietly on my lap all the way home.

It was while we were stopped at one of the traffic lights that I decided to name him Crusty Raincat.

At home, I immediately called the vet to have him neutered, but he had to have shots for his crusty-ness first. For the most part, he stayed in one of the book shelves in the living room, but would emerge when he saw me. The day he came back from neutering, he kept running after me even though the anesthetic hadn't worn off, so he kept bumping into walls & things! I had to sit with him in the living room while he zoned out on the raincoat!

I can't quite remember what happened after that but I think I took both cats back to the stables. A few days later however, the stable cat got ill so had to come home with me again. She did not make it. A day after she died, Karas got sick too. I braced myself for the worst, but he pulled through.

From then on, I did not allow him to go outside, I wanted him to be a strictly indoor cat. I couldn't risk him being out there by himself. But sure enough, he started to get curious about the outdoors, & I gave him the freedom to venture in & out as he pleased. Surprisingly, he was not afraid of my two dogs, even though the smaller one was jealous & would always try to block the door so that Karas could not get into the house!

Karas would even walk with me to my uncle's house down the road, & even there he was not afraid of our dog! In fact, they didn't mind sharing the porch - the dog would be on the inside while Karas would be on the outside, closer to the gate. He was not allowed into my uncle's house, but one day, while everyone was out, he snuck in & stole some chicken bones meant for the dog, leaving a trail of leftovers from the kitchen to the living room! The uncle was not impressed. Heheh.

'Dogs, thou shalt respect me!'

One day another cat showed up, a full grown adult cat. After a while, Karas & Tibbs were good friends, but soon after, Tibbs started getting jealous, not allowing Karas on the bed, & marking his territory everywhere.

When we moved to KL, I had them stay in a big cage, because again I was afraid of what would happen to them if I didn't. A few weeks after, Tibbs died. Not sure what happened to him, I just found him dead in the enclosure.

I decided to let Karas roam free again. I realized that it didn't really matter how much I try to keep him or anyone/thing else safe, if things were meant to be, it will be (seems ironic typing this, with all that has been going on recently). For the first few days, he stuck to me like glue. I knew he was afraid. Slowly he adjusted to life at the stables, but he never made any more friends. It seemed like as though he didn't want to open his heart to any other cat after losing two of his close friends.

He would still follow me around, though. If I hid behind a door or wall & pretend to spy on him, he would meow & come running & look for me until he found me. Yes, we are weird like that!

At that time, I had a room at the stables, so we spent afternoon lunch breaks together. He never liked showing much affection in public, I guess mostly because the other cats would start congregating around me & he didn't like that very much. He had a huge personal space bubble that he demanded the other cats respect.

Fell asleep while talking on the phone. Hahahahah..!

I remember the time I went to Australia for two months. When I came back, my father & stepmother took me to the stables & Karas followed me everywhere, although he still tried to put on a front & sat a few feet away from me every time I sat down. He didn't want me to leave though; when I walked out to the main gate, he followed me up to the guardhouse, meowing loudly.

Soon after, my room had to be given to an out-of-town colleague, & our time together was cut down immensely. A few months later, I stopped working at the stables, yet went to visit daily. I sorely regret this now. At that time I thought it was the best for him. There were vehicles, people, dogs and whatnot in my neighbourhood, & if I went outstation there would be no one to feed him. That & my landlord owns a dog, & his wife is terrified of cats.

On sentry duty while I treadmill-ed horses.

Karas would always be eksyen, but I knew he missed me as much as I missed him. I hope he understood why we could not be together, although nowadays I have started questioning my decisions. I feel like he only ever wanted to be with me. He did not mingle with cats, but he would give me sandpaper kisses. That cat trusted me with his life. Literally.

But maybe half of him also wanted freedom. Freedom to be a cat, & explore the world, move around as he wanted to. I wanted that for him too. I didn't want to coop him up in my room. I think because in the beginning I tried to keep him inside, he became rebellious & always wanted this freedom to come & go as he pleased. In the stables, he would often be up a tree or on the rooftops. In Ipoh, he used to stalk birds in the playground opposite my house, & play with the neighbourhood stray cats.

'Land ho, Capt'n!'

I learned a lot about love & friendship from this cat. I miss carrying & cuddling him. You know how that special being fits in your arms, & how nobody/nothing else will fit the same? Yep.

He was so soft & silky, even when we laid him to rest. Even though 'just' a stray, his underbelly was gold in colour, not the usual grey, black or white. & he had slightly longer hairs on the tips of his ears, like a lynx! People always mocked us when I said, 'Karas is the most handsome cat'. To them, he was just another local cat with no papers, no special markings, nothing out of the ordinary.

The series of events that we went through is amazing, & again I feel sad because we did not spend much time together towards the end. It really makes me question many things. Life is so short & unpredictable. Everyone can say these words, but how many really appreciate & live by them?

We were supposed to live together one day. We were supposed to spend the rest of his life together. But obviously it was not meant to be.

Disturbing him in his sleep.

Did I do my best for him? I would like to think so, yet at the same time many what ifs & could haves keep popping up in my mind. In the weeks preceding his death, I had random visions of him getting into an accident. I interpreted that as a sign that he should stay at the stables & not come with me. Obviously I was wrong. The night before that fateful day, a cow started mooing from the empty lot beside the house. It was slightly past midnight, & I even psychically scolded the cow for getting separated from the herd & told it to quickly get back with them. It was the first time in my life I'd ever heard a cow mooing that way, & in the middle of the night too. I'm not exactly a light sleeper, but it was loud enough to wake me up, even though my windows were closed. Maybe it was trying to warn me of impending trouble. Maybe. So many maybes.

My family always had at least one animal or another in the house throughout my childhood. Even if we did not want anymore animals, somehow or other a stray would find its way to our house & eventually be adopted! However, this cat in particular taught me so much. I don't know how. He just did. More about that next time though.

After his passing, I've questioned a lot about myself & life. Why bother trying, when at the end of the day, we still have to succumb to the Universe? If everything is already written, why should I even bother? If people learn in their own time, in their own way, why should I even bother spreading philosophy, yoga, animal welfare, etc?

I wrote this a few days ago:

t's been one week since Karas left. It's still sinking in.

I haven't really been in the right frame of mind to be as efficient as I could be. Most of the time, I wonder what my purpose is. What is the meaning of this life, if everything doesn't matter, if we're all going to die & if at the end of the day, everything is in the hands of the Universe...why should I even try??? I've been pondering this the past week. I find no joy nor motivation in the things that I was passionate about.

Only this afternoon did I remember this parable I came to know of a while ago: imagine you're planning a holiday to Hawaii. In the back of your mind, you know that after the holiday ends, you'll return home, right? Knowing that in the end, you'll still return home, back to where you are right now, does this stop you from planning the trip, or even cancelling altogether? No! Because it's not *about* the end point. It's about the experience itself. You do it to enrich your life, & to broaden your horizons.

I guess I just need more time to process everything. The dream still lives. It's just taking a while longer to come to fruition.

I had dreams to start up something in Karas' name & memory. Yet it is proving to be more difficult than I thought it to be. I know he would want me to be happy, & to live life to the fullest, now that I don't have to worry about him. I know he would want me to spread the goodness & not become a sour puss. Yet it is difficult to adjust. So much attachment & expectation, sheesh.

At the moment I feel the desperate need to some take time off for myself. In just a few weeks, the Universe took away a being which I considered a big part of me. I just want to get the hell out of here & just disappear. But we'll leave that for a more philosophical post. Right now I'm just going through the motions.

Sometimes he comes & sits by me, especially when I am having a hard day.

This is my current favourite prose, not sure if it is by Rabindranath Tagore or Swami Vivekananda:

I often ask myself at what point can a man & a beast that cannot talk recognize each other. 

From early paradise, at the dawn of creation, runs the path where their hearts meet. 

Although their connection has long been forgotten, traces of their continuing association has not been erased. 

&, suddenly, in a wordless harmony, 

a dim memory awakens & the beast looks looks on the face of the man with tender trust

& the man casts his eyes upon the beast with an amused tenderness. 

It is as if two friends, both wearing masks, meet 

& vaguely recognize each other through their disguise. 

(Please note that most of my poses are written in advance & scheduled to be posted)

We Come Alone, & We Go Alone.

On the morning of 11th March, I received a phone call from one of the stable guys saying that Karas was lying down unable to get up. It looked like he had a broken leg.

I went there immediately & the racecourse vets advised me to get him to a private clinic immediately as his limbs were cold. It was 9am & the nearest vet I arrived at only opens at 10am. I called the number on the shutters & to my disgust the vet refused to come in, did not offer any alternatives or recommend any other nearby clinic. He just listened to my shaky voice in silence, & even let a few seconds pass in silence after I explained my situation & said 'I don't know what to do'. To add injury to insult, at one point he even said he only opens at 10am, & even then, he has other appointments to see to. I don't think I've ever been so outraged & disgusted by such behaviour. But, more on this next time.

Subsequently, I called the racecourse vet again for a recommendation. He recommended UPM Vet Faculty. As I arrived & explained my situation, a vet assistant came out to have a look at Karas. He was mildly hyperventilating, & to my discredit I did not know that could be a sign of shock. The assistant did not deem our situation an emergency, so we took a number like everyone else. When the vet saw Karas, she too did not say anything about his rapid breathing or cold limbs. She did not seem to think that the situation was critical, just a broken bone to be repaired. I asked her if there could be any possible internal damage, she replied that by palpitation, she does not think so. So we waited, AGAIN, to go for an x-ray, then to see the vet again, which she then proceeded to go ask the surgeon if their schedule allowed Karas to be operated on during the next few days. Nope, full schedule. She gave us a list of private practices.

Off the list, I chose the St. Angel Animal Medical Centre in Puchong.

Again, the long travel time & because the UPM vet did not seem to think it an emergency, I took a number like everyone else. Dr Lya was our vet. She categorized Karas as being critical, which gave me quite a shock. Before this, nobody else thought to stablize his current condition first before addressing the issue of his broken leg. She recommended him to be warded immediately, at best they have to do another x-ray & blood test to see if his insides are good before they can even begin to think about a bone operation. I was still confident in Karas getting well. In hindsight, maybe I was a bit too optimistic.

Since it was nearing lunch time, I left him there in the oxygen chamber. It saddens me to think that the last of his sounds I heard were those in pain. I don't think the helper who transferred him from his box to the chamber was very gentle. & it kills me to think that I left him in the clinic alone, although I know that it was the best thing to do & there was no way he could be comfortable anywhere else with me.

Later in the evening, Dr Lya called to inform me that they had done an x-ray & that there were no internal injuries. Earlier she worried that his breathing was due to a torn diaphragm. This really brightened my spirits, but she said that they could not do a blood test because he was dehydrated & his veins had collapsed, so they gave him under the skin fluids & will try again later in the evening.

Around 45 minutes later, she called again & said that Karas had gone into respiratory arrest & they failed to resuscitate him. I went back in to collect him, & brought him back to the stables to be buried under a frangipani tree behind the stables. I like the thought of him becoming a beautiful tree soon. When I told my cousin about the reasoning behind my choice of location, she asked me if I would have eaten mangoes off a tree which Karas was buried under. It may sound sick but I would be more than happy to eat them. It's like everything would have come full circle & Karas would really be a part of me. In any case, how would anyone know that the fruits bought from supermarkets were not unintentionally fertilized with dead animal bodies?

It started to rain but thankfully it was just a heavy drizzle. I am grateful to those who helped me dig.

Everything was so sudden. & I am filled with regret that I did not push my case onto the vets. I know I did the best I could at that time, & that it is only with hindsight that one can learn what should have been done, what should have not been done, what could have been done differently, etc. So many what-ifs & all that. The monkey mind.

I don't know, yet I know why all this is happening. But why did Karas have to go through so much pain & suffering? Why? Why now??? Since I stopped working at the stables, we only hang out for half an hour or an hour max every day. I didn't want to bring him home because of my housemates & Dogg & cars & all that. I thought he would be safer there, & with other cats. I promised him that we would be together again soon. I know although he always put on airs & acted macho, he missed cuddling & taking naps with me. He craved that closeness, yet he did not like to be near me when the other stable cats were around me as well. I had plans to have an animal sanctuary in the future, & of course for Karas to be there too. He would have loved it. Maybe he would have loved any place, as long as we were together. Although he was physically a cat, he was very loyal & most times not very cat-like.

I regret many things. & I would do anything to get him back. He was always a fighter, even when he got feline influenza the first few weeks he stayed with me in Ipoh. All my other cats who caught it at that time did not make it, but he survived. He even survived the traumatic move to KL when my other cat Tibbs did not. I guess that's what hardened him so much that he could not or did not want to form friendships with the other cats in the KL stable. Losing your close companions all the time numbs you.

He had a huge bubble of personal space which he highly valued, yet he would sometimes, when there are no other cats around, & the environment is right, we would sit together. Most days, he would give me sandpaper kisses as I petted him. Before this, I never knew that cats would lick humans. & I am deeply honoured he trusted & valued me enough to consider me more 'lick-able' than his fellow felines. More on his weird un-catlike shenanigans in another post.

I find it disgusting that people would hurt animals. & it is even more disgusting that people are not passionate & dedicated about their jobs, especially people who work in the healthcare industry. I am really appalled at how the first vet handled my call. He was not interested to help Karas. Me, I am a firm believer that people cross paths for a reason, & anyone who crosses paths with me who needs help, I give it best I can. Maybe I was meant to cross paths with a 'bad vet' to finally open my eyes to the evils of the world. & I am also disappointed that the UPM vet did not know how to differentiate between urgent & important treatment.

I am disappointed in myself too, for all the reasons I stated above & much more. I'm sad that our last few hours together were filled with anxiety, travelling around, uncomfortable-ness for him, & I was not there during Karas' last hours. I hope he will forgive me for that & everything else. I'm glad though that he is not in pain anymore, & that he will not have to suffer the pains of bone surgery, rehabilitation, & lifelong disability. That is my only consolation.

Never one to smile for the camera.

I know that he would not want me to be sad, & to celebrate his life & the four beautiful years we had together. But it is hard. I know I always talk about self-acceptance, loving yourself, & all that Yoga Sutra stuff but the real test comes when something happens in real life.

Not only is it a mirror on my own inner state, it also shows me who my real friends are, & who really actually gives a shit. Nobody really gave a shit about Karas, & who really gives a shit about me either?

Deep down I understand that 'we come alone, & we go alone', & that at the end of the day, nobody is responsible for me, & I am not responsible for anyone else. But it is a hard truth to swallow.

Again the Universe is destroying me ego. It is really giving me such a tough lesson this year. It has been going on for one & a half months now. My ego still hangs on to the fact that I am the director of my life & that everything must go according to my plans & wishes. But lately the Universe keeps destroying things that I've worked hard for, things which I've put more than my fair share of effort into. It's like they say in Malay, 'Manusia hanya boleh merancang, Tuhan sahaja yang menentukan,' (Humans can only plan, God has the last say'.

On the other hand, I've been getting good opportunities in yoga & other areas of life which I am interested in. It's all too overwhelming though. I just want to disappear & have a change of environment for a while.

This is the last photo we took together, about two weeks ago.

Be good out there, Karas. We will meet again. I love you very much. & I miss you the most during the times of the day we used to spend together. I have many plans which will benefit many, they will all be in your name, but it is also for the other animals I have crossed paths with & will cross paths with in the future. They have been on hold for a long time now, I guess you would want me to start things off ASAFP so that it picks up faster & is of benefit to more beings.

I hope I will do you proud.

& to the rat bastard - either human, spirit, or animal - who did this to Karas, I have a very big bone to pick with you. I know it was not an accident. I know.

Yoga Teaching Methods - To Do, Or Not To Do?

Do you prefer your teacher to be on his/her mat in front of the room, doing the whole sequence of movements along with the class? Or do you prefer verbal cues, with demos where necessary?

I've always appreciated the latter better, either as a student or teacher. Why?

1. The most important of all is that I don't want my students to be zombies. I don't want to create a situation where they are completely dependent on me. I'd like my students to have an independent mindset, feel free to ask questions, discuss, experiment & not be spoon-fed. Fair enough that some people come to yoga to empty their minds & relax, but I'm sure that after a few months of practice, one would at least know the names of the basic poses like Warrior I, II, Triangle, & how to properly execute them! I feel it is such a shame when intermediate students cannot recognize the names of basic poses, and need to look at the teacher to mimic the pose.

2. To have a decent understanding of the poses. Again, I don't want to create any dependency on me. To me, I am just sharing what I know, & spreading the joy of yoga. Yoga is such a beautiful gift, & how to not share something so beautiful? I'd like my students to personally understand & appreciate it, so that it becomes a part of them too, & they can carry it with them anywhere they go. So that they can practice confidently at home, by themselves, with a video guide, or with any other teacher. Once the fundamental aspects of the poses (safety, alignment, breath) come into play, the asanas come alive, & slowly the whole experience of yoga takes on a different flavour.

3. To me, verbal cues are especially important in a Vinyasa class. If a student fully depends on visual cues, three things happen:

i) The flow of the breath is lost
ii) The flow of prana is lost
iii) Concentration & focus is also lost

I have experienced practising with a teacher who mumbled. I did not understand a word he was saying. This led me to have to keep looking at him to understand what the next pose was. In addition to the above, it also caused unnecessary strain on my body to have to keep doing this, especially since in a Vinyasa class, the next 'new' pose is usually done after Downward Dog. So I had two options - either strain my neck & to look forward, or come down onto my knees to Cat/Cow pose to look forward. Either of which results in all of the above three things happening.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the need for the teacher to demonstrate. & I think it is logical to demonstrate in class; I myself will get my students to sit in Virasana to watch me demonstrate first if an upcoming sequence is complicated or a bit long, even if it is in the middle of the Vinyasa. I'd rather they break the flow by sitting & watching first, so they have some understanding, instead of not knowing anything & getting super confused during the flow. It's sort of like the lesser of two evils.

Even if it's 'just for those few seconds', it matters. It matters very much.

4. If I am confined to my mat, how am I to be present for my students? A classroom situation is largely for teacher-student interaction. Students come to learn directly from a teacher. This is what makes it different from practising through YouTube or other forms of visual media. The downside to practising with a teacher who is not physically present is:

i) The teacher cannot tell what level of ability the students are at, whether they are physically able to execute all the poses in their sequence, nor whether their health conditions may be a contraindication to a certain pose.

ii) The teacher cannot give tailored alignment and adjustment cues to the student. A teacher who is present will be able to actively point out mistakes & rectify them before they become bad habits.
iii)

Basically to have a teacher present while you practice is like having an extra set of eyes on you. Even if you already have a steady home practice, it is good to have someone else watch you every once in a while so that you know you are doing the right thing.

So if I stay on my mat, I can't observe and adjust my students in the poses (Also bear in mind that classes are multi-level, & sometimes some students need more guidance than others). 

5. Sometimes I teach up to 4 classes per day. If I were to demo the whole sequence, that would equate to a total of four hours of practice per day. Plus, I also have to speak while moving, which in my opinion is again breaking the flow. I have a friend who demonstrated throughout her classes, & her menstrual cycle got affected. Her period stopped, & in her daily activities she became weak & fatigued.

Here is Sadhguru's opinion as to Why You Should Not Speak During Asanas.

To some, for a teacher to prioritize him/herself may seem very selfish. & I am not sorry to say that yes, it is selfish. I cannot sacrifice my own well-being to teach. No matter how big a joy yoga is, & how much I want to share it with others, I have to do so in a way that does not compromise my own well-being. Besides, the longer I am able to teach, the more people I will be able to reach out to. Make sense?

For my fellow yoga teachers who would like to start interacting more with your students in class, I highly recommend this article by Yoganonymous:

7 Tips For Yoga Teachers: To Do Or Not To Do, That Is The Question (Or How To Get Your Yoga Butt Off Your Yoga Mat).

Enjoy & namaste! :)

Awareness In Our Daily Interactions.

When you throw a stone into the ocean, you never know how deep down it goes. Same with your words, be careful with what you say, as something which may be a joke to you, may be a very serious matter for someone else. You can never tell how your words affect others. Something which seems like a small matter to you, may weight heavy on another's heart. Always be kind.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you said something as a joke, only to have the other person burst out in tears instead of laugh? Or maybe you gave a sarcastic comment meant as a joke, yet the other person reacted in anger?

Yep. Human communication is a pretty tricky thing sometimes. What we say and do can oftentimes be misinterpreted by others, and vice versa. Everyone is operating at their own level of perception. In other words, everybody has special glasses on. However they view the world depends on how they see it, through their glasses. So if you put a white rose in front of them, if they have glasses with red lenses on, guess what colour that rose is going to look like to them? Exactly.

So what to do?

I think it's always better to err on the side of caution than to risk offending or hurting someone else. True, you are not responsible for how others interpret your words, but at the same time that does not relieve you of your responsibilities of being a decent human being. It does not mean you can go around calling other people derogatory names and whatnot.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

- Louis C.K -

To me, bravery comes when you accept full responsibility for your share of what you put out there. Are you a parrot? Or a voice-recording machine, mindlessly blabbing out sounds? You can't go around treating others badly under the guise of 'self-expression' & being true to yourself.

Actually, it matters more when it is your self-expression. Now this is where the work begins.

A heckuva lot of awareness is needed here, even in these seemingly unimportant parts of life. To a yogi, there is never nothing happening in every moment; if you are receptive enough, there is always something happening in every moment. The little things in life add up to become the big things in life.

Are you saying the things you say, using the words you use, to sincerely get your point across, and to have a constructive conversation? Or are you doing so with intention to hurt another?

It takes a lot of awareness to conduct your interactions pleasantly. & have you ever noticed how difficult it is to be aware of yourself when you are emotionally fucked up? When you are angry, what kind of words escape your mouth, as compared to when you are happy? Sometimes when you're angry, even an innocent bystander can be a victim to your foul mood. Have you noticed it? How your mood & subsequently the world & your interactions change? You just feel like lashing out on anyone & anything, you are so embroiled in your emotions that it is overflowing out of you.

I really like this teaching by Osho: Society Never Teaches You To Be Watchful.

Expression is definitely necessary, but you need to be conscious of how you are expressing yourself.

I especially like this paragraph:

But there is no need to express on somebody else because the ‘somebody else’ is just irrelevant. Next time you feel angry go and run around the house seven times, and after it sit under a tree and watch where the anger has gone. You have not repressed it, you have not controlled it, you have not thrown it on somebody else – because if you throw it on somebody else a chain is created, because the other is as foolish as you, as unconscious as you. If you throw it on another, and if the other is an enlightened person, there will be no trouble; he will help you to throw and release it and go through a catharsis. But the other is as ignorant as you – if you throw anger on him he will react. He will throw more anger on you, he is repressed as much as you are. Then there comes a chain: you throw on him, he throws on you, and you both become enemies.

Don't throw it on anybody. It is the same as when you feel like vomiting: you don’t go and vomit on somebody. Anger needs a vomit. You go to the bathroom and vomit! It cleanses the whole body – if you suppress the vomit it will be dangerous, and when you have vomited you will feel fresh, you will feel unburdened, unloaded, good, healthy. Something was wrong in the food that you took and the body rejects it. Don’t go on forcing it inside.

Anger is just a mental vomit. Something is wrong that you have taken in and your whole psychic being wants to throw it out, but there is no need to throw it out on somebody.

Bahahahahah! How true! On the other end, when we are on the receiving end of anger, it takes a conscious person to end the cycle. Someone who does not understand what the other person is going through, who does not understand the 'glasses' concept, will surely take things personally & react with the same amount of anger! Then what use is this anger which is going back & forth?

When there is shit within, you can only give shit to others.

But when there is love within, you can only give out love to others.

So it isn't completely our fault if someone interacts badly with us. Here is Thich Nhat Hanh's teaching about anger in our interactions: Loosening The Knots Of Anger.

We can also support others with our mindfulness when they are in difficulty. When our child is drowning in a strong emotion, we can hold his or her hand and say, “My dear one, breathe. Breathe in and out with mommy, with daddy.” We can also invite our child to do walking meditation with us, gently taking her hand and helping her calm down, with each step. When you give your child some of your mindfulness energy, she will be able to calm down very quickly and embrace her emotions.

A note of caution though: this does not mean that you have to go on accepting bad behaviour in the name of 'compassion'. You are not obliged to be anybody's punching bag. You can help them with some of their shit, but at the end of the day it is up to them to change. Or else it's like a never-ending vomit factory...bahahahahah!

Now here's where everything comes full circle. Another part of awareness requires you to introspect on your emotions. Your feelings towards others merely reflect the quality of your own glasses. Impatience with others only means impatience with yourself. Anger towards the behaviour of others - what quality of that other person angers you? That quality that angers you is what you are not happy with in yourself.

So many levels of awareness needed, huh?

What are your interactions with the world reflecting back to you?

We Fight To Hold On, & We Fight To Let Go.

Theme song for this week: James Bay - Let It Go.

Dear Universe,

I surrender. I give up. You win. Burn away all that I am, so that you may build me anew. No more avoiding, no more procrastinating, no more bargaining. For I grow weary of these things that come & go, the things that bind me to the superficiality of life. Everything is impermanent, I acknowledge that. Everything is in perfect order, I acknowledge that. But acknowledging is not the same as accepting & experiencing.

The truth is, I am afraid. My ego mind is fighting to stay alive. It scares me tremendously. It is not easy to remove a layer which has been falsely protecting me all my life. & the deeper the root, the tougher it is to remove. Oftentimes, my hands tremble. My chest feels helplessly tight, yet at the same time there is expansion; tiny, tiny cracks of expansion.

All these years, I acknowledged my attachments towards the ones I hold dear to me. But this is the first time I see clearly that it is nothing to do with them but everything to do with me. I fear abandonment. I fear being not good enough. I fear the unknown.
The Not Knowing Is The Hardest Part

The unknown is both beautiful & scary at the same time.

Everything happened as they said it would, right down to the T:
The Phases Of The Twin Flame Relationship
Twin Flame Separation Cycle

I know. I'm supposed to be a yogi. I'm not supposed to believe in these things. But the accuracy of it all is too much to ignore.

This is the first time I am really looking at my inner child in the eyeballs. It is not pretty. I long for the peaceful solitude I once had with myself, yet I crave the distraction that social interaction & 'busy-ness' provide. Though it has only been a few days, the introvert in me is tired of all this interaction. When I am alone however, more often than not I fear the silence. Last night I lay awake for hours just observing my breath & the space in my chest.

I fear the silence in which my mind goes into overdrive. 'What if I end up alone?' 'What could I have done in a different way?' 'Why is all this happening?' 'Am I not good enough?'

My ego does not want to let go & trust in the Universe. It is throwing a tantrum, playing the victim but at the same time refusing to let go of its perceived identity as 'director' of this show. 'NO! It must happen according to how I want it to be, because this is MY life, MY rules! How dare the Universe do this to me!' 'NO! We both put in so much effort, why is it not going the way we planned it to be??? This is so unfair!' 'I myself, & no one else, am in control of my own life! Not even God, not even the Universe!' 'Why me???'

I was once asked, 'The difference is I don't need nobody to be complete. & you do. Is this a woman thing?'

I could not answer. I could not explain how I knew I was complete in myself, yet I needed that intimate connection. Until I came across this yesterday:
I Don't Need You To Complete Me But I Still Need You

Maybe it is a woman thing, this wanting to share with that one special person. Somehow every experience, every new discovery is not the same when not shared. I've never connected on that level with anyone else, someone who is willing, or even able to understand what the hell I'm talking about, & doesn't judge me.

Another thing is as clear as day; the deepest root of my fear of abandonment - the Mother Wound. I never knew that it affected me that much. I used to take it lightly. Only now do I realize how badly that wound has scarred me. I know that again, it has nothing to do with my mother, & everything to do with me.
Why It's Crucial For Women To Heal The Mother Wound

Sometimes I curse this gift of awareness, yet at other times I feel extremely blessed. I refuse to fall into the same old patterns I am used to. I refuse to distract myself with another potential suitor only to repeat the same bullshit pattern that I'm so familiar with. Once again, the unknown is scary. Yet it is better to venture into the unknown than sell myself short.

Yes, take everything & burn it in the bloody bonfire. I refuse to depend on anyone or anything. I refuse to revert to external substances to blur the truth. I refuse to use a bandage or crutch. By hook or by crook, I will get through this.

No, I have not given up on us. I have never. Even though sometimes my fear got the better of me & I uttered harsh words in the spur of the moment. I had to remove myself because I was giving more bullshit than love. & it became a vicious cycle. I don't want to hurt him, me, us. What we have is so beautiful. Although it seems impossible now, I look forward to the day we will be happy, whether we end up together or with other people. When we can be BFFs again.

Music definitely helps heal the soul though. I just found another version of Let It Go which features one of my all-time favourite performers, Ed Sheeran:
James Bay & Ed Sheeran - Let It Go

Yours truly,
Ee Lee.

To Think That You Know What Is Best For Another Person Is To Be Out Of Your Business.

I always try to make it a priority not to force my opinions & ideas of life onto others. I realize I've always struggled with this, especially those who I hold dear to my heart. :(

I really don't mean to. For me it is really tough to forgo the urge to 'help'. I only understood this a few years ago, that 'help' can do more damage than good. & that in reality, by forcing my 'help' onto others, it only back-fires & creates shit for me & the other person.

First of all, it takes away my peace when I constantly worry & ponder about another person's issues. I used to have the 'your problem is my problem' mentality. Which didn't do anybody any good. I would not be able to function well in other areas of my life because I was bogged down by, ironically, someone else's problems. I did not know where to draw the line between compassion & idiot compassion.

Secondly, it is not my job to 'help' or 'heal' others. I stopped looking at myself as a 'healer in disguise'. Thinking of oneself as a healer creates ego & anyway, who the hell am I to dictate or assume someone's journey in life? I cannot fully know their whole story, from birth to the present, no matter how close I am to them, & no matter how much they reveal about themselves to me. Because at the end of the day, there are some things in life which even the other person does not know about themselves. So how to express something that even we don't know? Heck, even I myself don't fully know all my childhood traumas, past hurts, weaknesses, etc, so how the hell am I supposed to know what is good for another???

With this in mind, we must also apply the concept of not judging any event, because 'something good may come out of something bad, & something bad may come out of something good'. We have no way of telling the final outcome of things.

Once there were two mortal enemies. One day, one of them tripped & fell down, & the other immediately came & gave him a hard kick on the bum. Everyone started scolding the man for this action, 'You monster, why would you kick a man when he's down!?!' However, when the first man stood up, he came & shook the other man's hand, saying, 'Thank you! I have been suffering from chronic back ache for years now, & somehow after you kicked me, the pain is now gone! Thank you!'

So you see, dear readers, how to say what is good & what is bad? Even for myself, I never in a million years would have guessed I would one day be teaching yoga. & many series of 'unfortunate' events led me to where I am right now. So, I don't expect to fully understand the journey of others.

From as far as I can remember, I could always read others. Sure enough, sometimes I misread them, & this is when I come from a place of insecurity & fear. Yes, I will be the first to gladly admit that I am not perfect. I have many weaknesses that may not be apparent to others. Which is also another reason I don't identify with the 'healer' label anymore. Everyone in this world needs healing. We are all here to help each other, maybe some a bit more than others, but it is help, nonetheless. To label oneself as a 'healer' only creates ego, whether we are aware of it or not. 'Yes, I helped this person become who they are today,' 'If it were not for me, they would have not have gotten this far.' & all that kind of self-talk. It does happen, even in minuscule proportions. I, too, have my own set of 'stuff' to heal. So yes, many a times my own weaknesses have come in between me & another person. To really understand & see a situation as it is, is to have the ability to put aside one's self-importance. Instead of taking it personally & jumping to conclusions, when we put aside our selfishness, then we can look clearly at the other person. & I am not always in this position. Most times I have my own bullshit to work through too.

 But how far do we take this idea? Do we just completely leave the other person to their own devices? When do we step in to help?

This is a very grey area. We cannot say for certain that help should be given at so-&-so time, & not given at another time. Sometimes we help, but then we are considered as interfering, & not allowing the other the freedom to do as they please. The other feels controlled & pressured to behave a certain way, they feel like they have no freedom to think for themselves & make their own decisions. At other times, we leave them to do as they please, & after all is said & done, if the outcome is not as desired, they turn around & say, 'Why the hell didn't you say something in the first place???'. :(

These two are the unfortunate by-products of the decision either to intervene or not.

I know I have spoken in the past about knowing how to communicate with a person so that they will come to know the truth. Gurumukh-ji likened this to trying to tell somebody to turn behind to look at a signboard behind them: 'You are sitting opposite that person, so you can see what is behind them, but they cannot. If you tell them to turn around, but they don't want to, you can either choose to leave them be, or if you have compassion for them, try different ways to get them to turn around.' Similarly, sometimes we see parts of others which they themselves may not see, no matter how vulgarly apparent these parts are to the rest of the world. So what to do then? 

When you see that this signboard behind the other person is something so important & necessary, yet they refuse to look...what to do then?

This is where our topic for today has come full-circle, dear readers. We have to let go. We have to let go & trust that everything will work out in the end. & I know. Boy, do I know how hard it is to watch someone you truly care about go through what you think is unnecessary suffering. I know how hard it is to feel helpless, & to wish that we could just grab hold of their gotdang head & turn it around for them so that they will see that bloody signboard.

But this is impossible. No matter how good your intentions are, people only see what they want to see. & anyways, maybe there is something else which they are supposed to see, & it just isn't time for them to look at the signboard, no matter how important it is.

We can have the best intentions for others, but at the end of the day, we need to let go of these intentions. We need to learn to have faith in the universe, to trust it to do its thang. & yes, it will be unpleasant. It will be heart-wrenching. But remember to also take your time to centre yourself. Use what is shown to you to reflect on yourself, & how your interpretation of these events reveal your own state of being.

The thing I've learned is, you can only help others when you are strong. Sometimes, if you are strong enough in yourself, you can positively affect those around you without even saying a word. So focus on yourself. Build yourself up. An empty jug cannot fill cups.

Nor can small boobies.

Yes, I have a perverted mind. I need help. Is there a signboard somewhere I am not aware of? Bahahahah!

Is All Yoga Therapeutic?

Recently, the Yoga Alliance came up with a new policy regarding the use of the term 'yoga therapy' (Read about this here).

I'm not sure if this came as a shock or not to me. On one hand, I understand the need for people to know exactly what 'therapy' means & entails. On the other hand, how does one really distinguish between therapeutic & non-therapeutic yoga?

Random rant: As I am writing this, I have come to realize that I hope in the future, all medicine/healings will be looked at holistically, & that yoga will not be regarded as an alternative or complementary form of healing.

Coincidentally, yesterday someone shared a story by Eric Nelson, instructor at NeuroKinetic Therapy, which I deeply resonated with:

I recently treated a patient who had been experiencing headaches for the past few months. She had multiple tests including imaging of her brain, and everything was negative for pathology. While there are many possible causes of headaches, based on her history, I decided to look at her from a movement perspective. Her neck range of motion was significantly limited and while neck flexion was limited and painful, neck extension was limited and non-painful.

My NeuroKinetic Therapy® testing was interesting. I usually find inhibited deep neck flexors in these types of cases, but this time it was the opposite, her suboccipital muscles (neck extensors) were the inhibited muscles. Gentle treatment was performed to the deep neck flexors and upon NKT retesting, the suboccipital muscles were now functioning.

In addition to looking at her neck, I assessed her core and noted that her breathing pattern was inefficient as she had a tendency to hold her breath. To address this issue, we worked on diaphragmatic breathing as well as stabilizing in the 3-month neurodevelopmental pattern.

By the end of the session she reported only a slight improvement with her headache but noted that she felt more centered and relaxed. On the follow up visit a week later she reported that she did not have one headache since her last visit!

Amazing, right! This is my take on the whole phenomenon:

How important it is to look at a condition holistically as opposed to just focusing on the main complaint. With this in mind, imagine how important posture & the breath is! For the most part, I don't agree with the new Yoga Alliance policy on using the word 'therapy' in your job/school/workshop/etc description. Yes, the yoga market is saturated with self-proclaimed teachers & 'experts', that is why the people need 'protection'; but the very purpose of yoga asana is healing. So how to say what is yoga therapy & what is not?

I understand that due to the modernization of yoga, there are people out there who do not take into account the very fundamentals of yoga. In some ways, it has been bastardized so much so that it has become just like any other physical exercise - to just get the body moving, to sweat, to have that 'runner's high', etc.

It is very important to combine both the traditional & modern aspects of yoga. Yes, traditional yogis probably did not know anything about alignment. But is it important & necessary? Of course! What differentiates yoga from other physical exercise? I would say, yoga, done properly, is designed to rid the body of unnecessary dis-ease & to build awareness first on the physical body, then expand this awareness towards other areas of life.

In saying this, all yoga would be therapeutic!

But no, nowadays you see yogis injuring themselves left right & center. Heck, there are even yoga competitions being held! What the hell is a yoga competition anyway??? Might as well call it a contortionist competition instead! It is such a ridiculous exploitation of the word 'yoga'.

I agree 100% with this article written by American Yoga School founder James Brown: The Colossal Failure Of Modern Yoga.

There is so much bullshit going on in the name of yoga, with every Tom Dick & Harry wishing to milk this cash cow in one way or another. & this not only affects the public, but also decent teachers who know their shit. It is very, very hard to undo the side effects & misinterpretation of yoga in students.

Back to the Yoga Alliance policies. I never fully understood how a 200-hour graduate could be deemed qualified enough to conduct a 200-hour teacher training course. There are no rules & regulations as to who is eligible to conduct 200-hour courses. For me, that in itself raises a big question mark as to whether the Yoga Alliance really is interested in the public's welfare. & of course, since conducting teacher training courses are much, much more lucrative than teaching regular classes, why wouldn't people want to start courses? & thus a never-ending self-destructive cycle has begun.

To me, all yoga is therapeutic, if you understand the basic fundamentals of the practice:

1. Your posture affects your breath.
2. Your breath affects your physiological, emotional & mental well-being.
3, Your breath is your teacher.

There is no such thing as 'by the third year of your yoga journey, you must be able to put one leg behind your head'. You may not even need to progress beyond a simple vinyasa sequence for years, unless you want to.

What I'm trying to say is that, yoga is just a tool to get one into optimal state of physical well-being. If you were having a stomach ache, is your mind at peace? Will you be open to listening or contemplating the philosophies of the universe? No! Your mind will only be on the toilet, hahahahah! That being said, different intensities of yoga practices exist to accommodate the different levels of physicalities amongst people. Someone may be naturally more energetic than another, & without expelling this excess energy, he/she may not be able to sit quietly! But aha! Even in the process of 'sweating it all out', one must not lose sight of the main purpose of their yoga practice - to work within one's limitations & not push the body too much.

Yoga is also designed to bring awareness to the physical body, we are learning to cultivate & build our awareness. & what tools do we always have with us? Our physical body & breath! When awareness on the physical body starts building up, then we will naturally expand this awareness to other areas of life too. Then our actions are filled with awareness. & as Osho said, 'awareness is the seed of godliness in you'.

Only when there is awareness, can we start living consciously. Or else, it will be like we are just walking around with a veil over our faces, not knowing what we are doing, just groping about hoping to find our way through. & only through this awareness can we begin to make better choices & decisions in life. Wouldn't you say that yoga is so therapeutic?

Anime Can Be Philosophical Too!

Over the past week, Feveret Human & I have been binge-watching anime, Attack On Titan to be precise. It's my favourite anime to date, even bypassing One Punch Man!

Sure, One Punch Man has its deep moments & awesome random shenanigans, but Attack on Titan pierces much deeper into things - it reminds me how powerful art & media can be. What I really like about Attack on Titan is the internal conversations the characters have with themselves. It opens up a whole different perspective that one might not have considered before.

The show basically revolves around the war between humanity & man-eating Titans. Naturally, the humans formed a large defence team to protect themselves. Through soliloquies, the viewer gets to know the contrasting emotions & experiences that the soldiers have to go through before, during & after battle. How they still need to deal with internal politics within their squads, face the brash opinions of the community, all while struggling to be true to themselves.

At the same time, there are many symbolical messages too. But I'll stop giving away so many spoilers for now! :D

I don't usually enjoy watching action flicks, & avoid them if I can. But despite its goriness, Attack on Titan did a brilliant job in conveying many important life messages.

Some parts really reminded me of the Bhagavad-Gita; the part where the battle has just started & Arjuna is having doubts about why he should go into battle. Because like most of us, he was taught to be peaceful & to not harm others. So he was torn wondering why he has to fight with & kill his fellow men. But Krishna said that everything is eternal. When you kill someone, you only destroy his physical body, you can never destroy his soul (I understand if this concept seems very extreme, dear reader, I myself was so shocked when I first read this that I avoided the Bhagavad-Gita for years!). & if the innocent & righteous did not make a stand & fight against the evils in the world, then the evil will continue their reign & continue harming others. Sometimes war is necessary to stop evil in its tracks.

Life is a big battle. Of course, don't forget that it is also a big candy shop at the same time. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want & what you truly stand for. Even if sometimes two 'wants' present themselves at the same time, you have to decide which is more important to you, or which does the greater good. & the funy thing is, sometimes these two are present in both your options, but in varying degrees. Sometimes people may not only not understand your decisions & actions, but also misinterpret them. Are you willing to risk your reputation to do what you want to do? How badly do you want to fulfil your dreams & your purpose in this lifetime?

What are you fighting for? At the end of the day, even if everybody is against you, what do you want? Even when the chips are down, & the circumstances keep pushing you back; once your mind is still - what do you want? & as long as you are not harming anyone in the process - go chase your dream. Live your life. You only have this one chance.

& be kind. You don't know what internal demons others are battling. Be kind wherever & whenever possible.